Things I Can't Say Out Loud

July 28, 2018 11:17pm

Since I got back from my dads I've been focusing on rearranging myself.

I was a mess. Full on mess.

I didn't care about anyone's feelings but my own. I was punching walls till my fist were bleeding, arguing with my mum and my nan. Running out the back door with my skateboard to get away from everyone. Getting into typical arguments and fights at school over girls.

Well a girl

I was depressed and taking it out on everyone

Deep down inside I was only hurting myself more. If there is anything I hate more then the potato siting in the White House is seeing people hurt.

At the time I didn't comprehend what I was doing and how badly I was treating everyone.

When my mum sent me to my dads for a month with his family (gosh I hate his family)

My friends stayed on the phone with me every single night until morning (we were/still are night owls)

Some nights when I didn't answer I spent the night crying

I was away from everything I loved. My animals, my friends, my family. And it hurt because I only got to hear their voices and how much my nephews miss me and how my little brother started taking care of all of the turtles for me not their faces

I had time to think

One night in the middle of the month. I walked outside and looked up at the stars and watched the tint of clouds move and feel the breeze hit my skin

I took a deep breath and talked

"If there's anyone listening, I need your help. I don't want to hurt people. In fact I want to do the complete opposite. I want to help people in ways they couldn't help me. But I can't. I can't help anyone without helping myself first. I've realized that, but without the medication and talking to people while they write everything I say and do down as if I'm a tourist attraction. I want to help myself but I need to know someone has faith in me. I need to get that feeling I can do this. I don't want to be that dick that tears down everyone else's lives because mine isn't perfect. I want to help people...seriously this time"

When I finish I had tears welled in my eyes.

After that day, no matter how much it ripped me apart on the inside. I sat in the living room with my dad and his kids (18 and 15) and talked and laughed with them because i knew it'd make my dad feel better.

Since I came back from my dads I've been helping around the house. Taking care of my sisters kids and my little brother. Making sure they ate and had everything they needed all day, going with my mom to work at night with my brother to help her since she's been getting sick.

I came back July 15th and since then I haven't argued once with anyone and spend time out my room more.

It's only been two weeks but I've never been like this and it's a huge fucking step up.

I'm not saying my mind set has been the best because it's equally the same.

But since Ive been dealing with it for 4 years I've been able to adapt to it.

But I've had those nights when I sit in the garage and cry because I don't want my family to see me.

I've put a cap on the bottle and sealed it so I won't be hurting anyone anymore. If I do hurt anyone, it'd be myself and I'm fine with it

I just have to put a brave face on for everyone and finally focus on school since my GPA dropped magnificently.

Sincerely
             Asshole