Things I Can't Say Out Loud

March 22nd, 2019 12:00am

"Things I can't say out loud"

And in this case, can't speak upon it because I don't want that person to get hell for It

Can't speak on it because it's embarrassing

Can't speak on it because the more it's spoken the more it hurts

Can't speak on it because the more Its thought about the more I wish I never found out

Can't speak on it because the more it's thought of the more I drown

I'm slowly dying, I mean yeah we all are. But I can physically feel my heart growing heavy and my chest getting tighter

Can't speak on it because the more I just wanna give in and die

Truth be told, I'm not enough. For anyone, anything.

I never will be and she proved that to me

I'm not worth anyone's time

People give up on me

Everyone gives up

October 31, 2018 I was asked out by my crush

I liked her, a lot like shit but not the point

She was my first girlfriend, my first kiss

I treated her like shit

I was a asshole

It was my first relationship, it was going faster then I would of preferred

The next day the entire fucking school knew, people I didn't even know (her people) started talking to me

"Go sit with her"

"Your not gonna kiss her"

"You need to say good morning"

"Why aren't you with her"

"Where's your girlfriend?"

"Why haven't you kissed her"

It was a lot

I hate sharing my business

I hate change

I hate new things

And I absolutely hate attention

I would of preferred if we would of kept it quiet, kept it between us until we were comfortable enough

till I was comfortable enough

I knew I was fucking up but I didn't know what to do

I knew I was being stupid but I didn't know how to stop without making myself look like a fool

What if she would of turned me away in front of all her friends

But I got my act together

I fixed my actions, fixed my problems, fixed my communication, ignored my insecurities

But it was to late

She cheated on me with a boy she liked before me,

I told her I'd never go though her things because privacy and I guess she took advantage of that

But the day I got curious my whole world broke

She told me it wasn't her

She told me it was her friend and the guy was her cousin

She told me her friend had her password and texted him

The truth came out once I got the kids number an my friend who goes to church with him texted him and asked

She told me she was sorry

But what exactly for?

Sorry I found out?

Or sorry she did it?

She wasn't sorry before when I was clueless

She wasn't sorry before when I told her how much I loved her

How could you put someone through that knowing yourself how broken and damaged that shit leaves you

But I took her back...

You hold on to the things that make you sad because they are also the things that make you happy

I was the one sorry tho

I held her while she cried

I fought back tears and bit my tongue to stop me from saying something reckless

"I haven't texted him back, I stoped once I saw a change in you"

It was my fault

I treated her like she

I was a asshole

I acted like she wasn't even there at times

It was my fault

She held onto me until I was good enough

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about it, the only people that know is my 4 close ass friends and only 1 knows how much it's destroying me

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't doubt myself

There isn't a day that goes by where I think she'd be better off without me

The screenshots fill my head

Word to fucking word

He talked to her like she was his

She talked to him like he was hers

Kills me

Everyone that doesn't know believes I'm good and for those who do know, think I'm over it

I can't sleep at night without being on the phone with her

I think to much

I get angry

Why couldn't I have just been fucking better?

Why couldn't I not been so stubborn?

God damn it

Shit

What if she regrets choosing me

What if she finds better

What if does it again

What if I lose myself in sight of being someone else

Curiosity killed the cat

Sincerely
Asshole