Things I Can't Say Out Loud

March 25th, 2019 8:56pm

Drowning

I'm drowning

Drowning in my thoughts

My flaws

My insecurities

My fuck ups

My downs

My happiness

I don't think I've felt this broken in a long ass time

I'm lost

I'm confused

I'm scared

I thought I knew what was good for me

I thought I knew what was best for me

I'm losing myself again

It's scary sometimes

I scare myself

From how badly I just want to pick up the sharpest item in the room and apply it on to my skin

From how badly I want to punch something till my hands are gushing out blood

From how badly I want to hurt something

Bashing my fists into something till I'm out of breath and gasping for air

The pain is just so unbearable to deal with at times

My heart pounds against my chest

My breathing get faster

My chest gets heavy

I just wanna scream sometimes but why?

What's it gonna help?

I cry my eyes out every night knowing the next day is gonna be just as bad or worse

All I ever do is mess up

"Everyone makes mistakes"

Everyday?

Mistakes that make me regret my existence?

Mistakes that make me wish I wasn't even here

Mistakes that make me wish I could just think before I do

Mistakes that make me wish I could be different

Mistakes that make me realize how much better it'd be if I wasn't here

Why?

Why me?

Why am I like this?

Why can't I be better?

Why do I have to experience this

I'm tired

Tired of waking up just to be put through the same shit all over again

Tired of disappointing people

Tired of letting people down

Tired of hurting people

Tired of fighting

Tired of putting in effort

Tired of trying

Tired of crying

I'm tired of it all

I just wanna end it

It's like when ever I get happy or close to being happy there's always a catch

Like "sure here's happiness, but here's also something that's gonna rip your heart out of your chest and slam it into the ground"

I'm scared of happiness

I rather live my life in the shadows

Where no one cares what the hell you do to yourself

Where no ones there to help

Where you feel as alone as your head makes you believe you are

I was getting better

I thought I had it all under control

But I didn't

Not even close

Sincerely
            Asshole