kaitlynn rose // h.s

the conversation

I don't remember when, but I'd fallen asleep with Harry at his house. The house was so quiet compared to the noise that was taking place last night. I glance over at Harry, noticing that he's still asleep. I slip his tee over my head and move out from under the covers as quietly as I can. I grab my shorts from the floor and slip them on before slipping out of the bedroom.

When I get downstairs, I see just how messy a post-party household is. Niall is passed out on the couch, soft snores falling from his mouth. I honestly was surprised that it was only Niall; I assumed there would be a few random people passed out drunk. Without making too much noise, I head into the kitchen.

After I grab a glass of water, I look under Harry's sink for a trash bag. Thankfully they're under there and I don't have to do any further searching. I open it up and start picking up the cups and various pieces of garbage around the kitchen. Harry slumps into the kitchen after I've been cleaning for a few minutes and rolls his eyes at me.

"Kaitlynn, you really don't have to do that," he mumbles tiredly, his voice raspy from just waking up. "I usually just hire a cleaning crew."

I stop what I'm doing, looking over at him with a smirk. "You always have other people clean up all of your messes?"

"Last time I checked, I was with you all night so this mess isn't mine. It just happens to be in my house."

I feel my cheeks heat as he mentions last night. Damn. Why was it so easy for him to make me blush?

He chuckles lightly, kissing my temple as he walks past me and over to his coffee pot.

"You want some coffee?"

"I'm alright, thanks," I shake my head.

I finish cleaning up the mess that's in the kitchen and Harry wipes the counter once I have all the trash collected. I set the trash bag in the hall and wash my hands. I grab my glass of water and refill it before sitting at one of the bar stools along the kitchen island. Harry leans on the counter across from me, giving me a small smile.

"Breakfast?"

"Yeah, sure," I nod. "You can make whatever. I'm really not picky."

"One day I'll get you to ask for something specific, just you wait," he chuckles dryly. "Pancakes okay?"

As soon as I nod my head in confirmation, he wanders around his kitchen and starts grabbing the things he needs. A few sounds come from the living room and then the front door shuts.

"There goes Niall," Harry huffs. "Sometimes I worry that he thinks he lives here."

"At least you've got friends here every now and then? I'm sure that living in this big house all by yourself gets lonely sometimes."

"Hard to get lonely when they're throwing parties in my house every other week," he scoffs. "I didn't even agree to one this week. They just showed up with a shit ton of alcohol. The crowd followed."

"You wanna know how to avoid that?"

"Kaitlynn, I'm not telling them the truth."

I pout, slumping over the counter. I guess I can't understand what he's going through, so I suppose I don't have any room to tell him what to do.

From where I'm sitting, I silently watch him make us breakfast. He'd finished the batter and was pouring some of it onto the pan. The thought of the conversation we avoided last night is floating around my mind and I want to say something, but I decide that it seems like an after breakfast conversation. Part of me knew that was just me avoiding reality, but the other part of me ignored that.

"What's on your mind, Kait?"

"Well, firstly, I'm now thinking about the fact that you read me way too easily," I pout. "And it's not fair."

He stops what he's doing and looks over at me. He knew I was avoiding it too. "And what else?"

"I was thinking about the talk we had last night," I mumble quietly. "And the rest of the conversation that we avoided."

"I really don't think there's anything to talk about," he says quietly, looking back down at what he was doing.

My anxiety starts to make itself present and I take a deep breath, trying to push it down. "You don't? You don't think we should talk about what we've been doing?"

"Why does it have to be a big deal, Kaitlynn? What do you want me to say?"

I look down at my lap and fumble with the hem of his tee. There's a familiar shaky feeling spreading from my hands to my arms. Before I let him see my panic, I stand up and head for the stairs after telling him I'm going to change. When I get back to his room, I slip out of his shirt and back into my dress. I grab my bag, pulling my phone out of it to check my texts. Erin had texted saying that she was leaving around midnight last night, telling me to be safe and text her if I need anything.

When I get back down the the kitchen, I put my bag down on the ground and sit back down on the stool. Harry has a plate of three pancakes ready and he slides it over to me silently. He joins me after a minute with his own plate. The silence was making my appetite go away. I eat as much as I can before pushing the plate away from me.

"Do you want me to help with the dishes?"

"Don't worry about it," he shakes his head. He's finished eating after a few minutes and starts to clean up.

While he's standing over the sink rinsing the dishes, he shuts the water off suddenly and puts his hands on either side of the sink. His head falls forward, his shoulders slumping.

"I'm sorry, Kaitlynn."

"Why are you-"

He spins around and cuts me off. "I can't be the guy you need me to be. I can't do more than what we're doing. I can tell you're scared of getting hurt, and I guess I'm sparing you that later on. I can't do anything to prevent you from getting hurt. I can't commit enough to prevent it. I'm sorry Kaitlynn, I really am."

My head falls and I try to hold back my tears. This is stupid. I can't believe I got so wrapped up in him - in this. I knew going in that I was going to get hurt, and I let it drag on for nearly a month. We both knew that it would probably be me that would end up getting hurt. Knowing that I was going to get hurt at the end of this made me realize that this should be the end of this. That hurt.

"Can you drive me back to my dorm?"

"Kait, I-"

"No," I shake my head quickly. "Don't 'Kait' me right now. I want to go back to my dorm. I don't want to hear any of this."

He looks angry when I look back at him. "You're the one who wanted to have this conversation!"

I choke back a sob. "And I got the answer I needed! If you don't take me back, I'll just walk."

With a sigh of defeat, he grabs his wallet and keys. That's what I thought.