kaitlynn rose // h.s

ashamed

When I got to class on Wednesday, I wasn't sure if I made the right decision to come.

I've never had this problem while in college. The problem of waking up in the morning and not wanting to leave my bed because I'm scared that I'll throw up if I move. The problem of not wanting to go to class. The problem of not wanting to a see a single face all day. The feeling of laziness and the complete lack of motivation. Today was going to be hell and I was trying to go through every calming technique I'd ever learned in years of therapy. Nothing was working.

I really need to start telling Erin how I feel. I hate that all of this is sitting on my shoulders... sitting on my chest. Suffocating me.

"Hey, Kait," Harry smiles as I slide into the seat next to him.

I had English and Calculus today.

Only two classes. I can do this, right?

"Hey," I force a smile. Thankfully, Angela starts class and doesn't give Harry a chance to ask me what's wrong. It doesn't give him the chance to ask why I was later than usual today. I can see that he knows that I'm feeling off. I hate that he can read me so easily.

While Angela lectures, I find myself completely spaced out. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have come to class feeling like this. If Harry wasn't here, I might be fine. But I'm well aware that he's right next to me, his arm against mine on the table in front of us. He's right next to me and he won't stop looking at me. He's right next to me and he can tell my brain is going a million miles a minute.

You're fine. Everything is okay. You have a lot going on, and these emotions are normal.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in...

Harry grabs my hand on the table and all of his attention is on me. I jump and turn to look at him. As my eyes meet his, I see how genuinely concerned he is.

"Kaitlynn, you're shaking," he whispers. "Are you okay?"

I look down at my fingers and shock myself with how badly they're shaking. I had been so focused on trying to control my breathing that I'd lost control of my body.

Breathe in, breathe out.

"Kait," he whispers again.

Breathe in, breathe out.

As I feel tears well up in my eyes, I rip my hand from Harry's and grab my things before rushing out of the room as quietly as I can. I know that I need to get this anxiety attack under control before it turns into a panic attack.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Count your breaths.

When I hear the door open and close behind me, I break out into a run down the hall for a reason that I'm not even sure of.

"Kaitlynn!"

As I'm nearing the doors of the building, my knees give out. A small shout falls from my lips as I hit the ground and curl up, hiding my face in my knees. By the time Harry gets to me, I'm having a full blown panic attack. My entire body was shaking, tears were falling from my eyes, and my heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest. I couldn't catch my breath long enough to breathe normally.

Breathe in, breathe out.

My sobs grow louder as Harry sits on the ground in front of me, his hands grabbing at my face gently.

"Kait, look at me," he tells me, panic laced in his words. "Please look at me."

My eyes meet his and I grab onto his arms, gripping them tightly. He searches my face for a moment before looking me in the eyes again.