kaitlynn rose // h.s

back in texas

The weeks before winter break flew by. For the first time ever, I was dreading the flight home. I've barely spoken to my father since before Thanksgiving and I know for a fact he's furious with me. I've ignored his calls and requests to come home after the semester ends, I didn't tell him about England or about Harry until after we'd already touched back down in California, and Harry reserved an airbnb for us to stay at instead of staying with him for this trip. He thinks I'm staying with him once Harry leaves, but Harry offered to keep the reservation through the whole break so I took the offer. I've really set myself up for an argument as soon as I walk in the apartment.

What made this trip seem a little better was the fact that Harry was coming with me for the first week. He was flying home about three days before Christmas, and then I wouldn't see him until school starts back up in January. Trying not to think about that part.

We landed in Texas pretty late. Harry had gotten us a rental car so my dad didn't have to pick us up. By the time we got to the house we were staying in, we immediately went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up to three missed calls from my dad, all before nine in the morning. Harry was still asleep, so I slipped on some sweats and headed into the main room. I sit down on the couch and return my dads phone call. For the most part, he seems calm and relaxed. He asks me what time I'll be over and if I want him to pick up anything for me from the store since he was there. I hang up the phone both relieved and confused. I expected a lot of anger.

I slip back into the room and see that Harry is awake now. He lifts his head to look at me briefly before dropping back onto the pillow. I crawl up the bed over to where he is and kiss his head.

"Morning," he smiles. "Where'd you go?"

"Morning, bubs. Stepped out to call my dad. Didn't wanna wake you."

"Everything okay?"

"Mhm," I nod. "I told him we'd be over in an hour or two."

We go out to get breakfast from a place down the street while in our sweats and then we get ready to go when we return to the house. As I'm getting ready, the feeling of dread and fear returns to my head. I try to push my panic down as best as I can. It's just my dad, I can do this.

Despite telling myself I was fine, my heart starts to feel like it's going to beat out of my chest. I can feel my blood pumping. As my heart races, my panic grows. I feel the familiar pain in my chest as my mind races.

As Harry is grabbing his wallet and the keys, I feel a familiar shake return to my body.

Shit.

By the time Harry sees that something is happening, I'm nearly hyperventilating as I'm crying. He rushes over to me, grabbing my face gently and forcing me to look him in the eyes.

"Guide your breaths, Kait," he soothes. "In and out."

I nod weakly, grabbing him with my shaking hands. Sobs fall from my mouth and I feel like I can't stop long enough to take a breath. I look up at the ceiling, hating that this panic attack was happening right now.

"Look at me, sweetheart," he says quietly. Once my eyes meet his again, he speaks up. "Take a deep breath for me?"

"Can't," I sob. I genuinely couldn't breathe. It feels like forever before I finally get a decent breath in and out.

"That's it," he nods. "Keep going, darling."

I grip onto him tighter as he guides my breaths. Once I'm breathing somewhat normally again, I collapse in his arms and cry quietly against his chest. He holds me tightly, rubbing my back soothingly. I fight down the rest of my panic and I can feel my body coming back down.

"It's okay, you're okay," he mumbles. "My strong girl."

My strong girl.

The words cause a lump to form in my throat. I push him away, turning away from him.

"Hey," Harry mumbles quietly and grabs my hand. "What is it? What'd I do?"

"I'm not strong, don't fucking lie to me like that," I sob, wiping my face to rid of the water from my tears. As I look over at him again, he looks heartbroken.

"Baby," he starts. He pulls me over to him again, holding me tight against him so I can't think about moving away again. "I'm not lying to you. You're strong. You're so strong. You deal with all of this shit like an absolute pro, babe. I can barely handle school somedays, and you handle it with extra pressure. You're fighting a constant battle in your head, and you're winning ninety-nine percent of the time. To be able to handle your anxiety the way that you do makes you strong. And don't you dare tell me otherwise, because I will literally stand here all day and argue with you on this. Fuck your dads first impression of me. We will be late as hell until I win this fight. You are strong. The fact that you could even think otherwise blows my mind."

"If I was strong, I wouldn't be dealing with anxiety in the first place," I whisper. "The battle in my head wouldn't exist."

"That's not true," he hums. "Having good or bad mental health isn't a choice you can make, my love. Even if you feel like it's your fault that you feel the way you do, it's not."

He holds me for a few more minutes while I calm myself down. I kiss his collar bone and mumble a thank you to him as I back up to look at him.

"M'sorry," I sniffle.

"Kait, stop apologizing to me for this kind of thing," he cups my cheeks with his hands and presses a kiss to my forehead, my nose, and then my lips. "I love you. Did you take your medication?"

I shake my head. "I forgot. Brain is going a hundred miles a minute today."

He goes over and grabs my water bottle from the nightstand while I dig through my bag for my bottle of meds. I take one of the pills and sigh as I go back over to Harry to hug him.

"I don't want to do this."

"I know," he mumbles as he wraps his arms back around me. "But you can't avoid it, either. He's your dad. I know he wants you to do certain things right now, but you're an adult and you don't have to do them. You should still talk with him, though. He's your family, and if you avoid him you're going to be avoiding your siblings too. They'll think they did something wrong when they didn't."

"We should get going," I sigh. "Thank you, Harry. I love you."

"Love you too, Kait."

I take his hand and follow him out of the house silently. I play with his fingers anxiously while he drives and stare out the window, giving him directions when needed. I miss my dad all the time and of course I want to see him, but I can't wait to get today over with.

As Harry parks in the lot of the apartment complex, a confusing mix of emotions runs through me. I'm happy to be here, angry about the conversation I was about have, and sad that I was feeling anger when I should be happy to see everybody.

I hold Harry's hand tightly as we head up to the apartment. I unlock the door and walk in slowly, Harry following close behind.

"Kaitlynn!"

I'm tackled in a hug, which causes me to fall back against Harry.

"Hey, Maddy," I laugh, wrapping my arms around her. "My god, you're tall. You're 11, how are you this tall?"

She laughs as she steps back. "Wait until you see Aiden!"

As soon as she's done with her sentence, her eyes float over to Harry, who's still standing behind me silently.

"Oh," I mumble. "Madison, this is my boyfriend Harry."

She smiles at me before stepping forward to hug him too. I smile at Harry, who looks at me with wide eyes as he hugs my sister back.

"You're the luckiest boy in the world," she tells him as she takes a step back. "My sister is the greatest."

A laugh falls from Harry's mouth as his hand finds mine again. "I really am the luckiest."

I smile and lead him further into the apartment. My dad is standing in the living room, clearly waiting for us to come in.

"Hey, dad."