kaitlynn rose // h.s

the fight

I ended up falling asleep at Harry's house after working on my paper on his couch until two in the morning. When I woke up, I was in his bed by myself. I check my phone, seeing that it was nearly eleven. I sit up and slowly make my way out of the room, on a mission to see if Harry was even here.

He's in the kitchen making breakfast. When he hears me walk in, he looks up at me with a smile.

"Morning, Kait. Sleep well?"

"I guess," I slide onto the barstool and watch him as he pours waffle mix into a waffle maker. "Been kinda stressed so I was a bit restless. Finals are approaching so quickly that I'm slightly panicked."

"The college life," he chuckles. "Staying up until two in the morning for homework and then not being able to sleep."

I nod, too tired to keep a conversation going. I also started thinking about the idea of Harry being my boyfriend again, so it was better to stay silent. I pull out my phone and scroll through Instagram to fill the void of conversation.

We don't really talk while we eat, either. It's an odd feeling.

"Hey, are you okay?" Harry mumbles as he starts to clean up the dishes. "You're not usually this quiet. Well, you are. But not around me."

"Just tired," I mutter, looking through my phone again. "M'fine."

"Ah, yes. The words 'I'm fine' coming out of your mouth isn't a red flag at all."

I look up at him, raising an eyebrow at him. "What?"

"I'm not stupid, Kaitlynn. What's going on?"

"You're just gonna be mad. I don't wanna have this conversation."

"Now I really need to know what's going on. Why on Earth would I be mad at you?"

I sigh and let my head fall into my hands against Harry's kitchen counter.

"What's going on is that you've been acting like my fucking boyfriend for weeks but you're not actually my boyfriend. And every time I'm with you, I'm thinking about it. Every time I'm with you I get all sad because it always falls back to this. To this feeling and to this conversation. And apparently it always comes up when you're doing dishes."

He dries his hands and turns to look at me. He leans against the counter, his bottom lip tugged between his teeth. "I haven't been acting like your boyfriend. I don't even know what that means. I've never acted like a boyfriend. I haven't even been a boyfriend since I was like fifteen. We're not dating, Kait. I don't understand."

I groan and tug on my hair lightly. "I know. I know we're not dating. That was established a very long time ago. But with every day that passes, it really feels like we are. With everything we do, it feels like dating. It feels like you want to pretend that it's not happening so you can avoid even the idea of a label like that."

"I'm sorry I've lead you to feel that way," he mumbles. "But I don't feel the same. I care about you and you know that, but I can't give you anything like a relationship. I can't give you that commitment. It's just not who I am."

"What the fuck does that even mean? It's not 'who you are?' Harry, you've practically already committed to me. What do you think is going on here? Are you ignoring the fact that we're literally together all the time? Even if your friends aren't aware, this is still happening."

He looks at me and stays silent. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, ignoring the shaking of my hands. As I open my eyes, I see that his head is now bowed like he's ashamed.

"Listen," I whisper, feeling defeated. "I know you care about me. And I know that you know how much I care about you. We've had this conversation far too many times for me to still not understand why you're doing this. For you to not understand what you've been doing with me. I don't understand why you can't admit to yourself that this is what you want. I don't understand why you can't admit to yourself... admit to me... that what we're doing is dating."

"Because we're not dating," he mumbles angrily. "I can't admit something that isn't true."

I shake my head in disbelief. I could feel tears start to escape my eyes as I look at him in wonder. His face falls when he notices my tears. He walks over to me, reaching up to wipe my tears with his thumb gently.

"Harry," I sob. I fight back my anxiety as best as I can as I look at him. "I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending that every minute I spend with you isn't hard. I can't keep pretending that I don't have feelings for you. I can't keep pretending that I'm not falling for you more with every day that goes by. I can't keep pretending that being just friends with you and sleeping with you is okay for me. I just can't do it anymore."

"Kaitlynn, no," he mumbles, stepping forward to grab my arm as I back up. "Don't say that. I can't lose you."

"Fuck you! You can't say things like that! You can't say that you don't want to date me and then tell me that you can't lose me! Harry, this isn't normal. None of this has ever, ever been normal. If you don't want to lose me, then tell me that I can have you. All of you."

"I can't do that," he whispers, hurt laced in his words. "I can't do that and you know that."

"The only thing I know is that I can't do this with you anymore. I can't keep looking you in the eye and knowing that I can't have you."