Muted

Chapter 3

I ran up to my room to avoid my mom and her antics. I looked through some of the boxes until I found it: my journal. I keep the pen on the inside cover. I look at the number on the page today. 1065 days is written in red ink. I haven’t talked in 1065 days. Tomorrow will be day 1066. It is March. I haven’t talked since May of Freshman year. It’s been 1065 days. I bring out a bottle that was underneath the book. One bottle of Vicodin; ten pills left. I have a prescription for it because of the injuries I sustained my freshman year. Underneath the bottle is a cloth wrapped package. If I opened it, I would reveal the x-acto knife I used for art. I could end my life at any moment, yet I don’t. I like to know that at any point in time, I could end my life. I am in control of my death. For once, I have the control.

I pull out my baby picture. On the back it’s labeled, Sadie Dilon, 3 mos old. I smile for the second time today. The simple life. No sex crazed boys waiting at your locker or piles of homework waiting in your backpack. I pick out another picture. It is my first day of ninth grade. It was only a few short months before everything happened. I was smiling again. I remember that day. “Mom! Take a picture of me! I can’t wait to start high school!” “I’m comin’ Sadie. God, this better be worth it. I’m tired. So make it quick.” I smiled for the camera in the pink skirt and white shirt that I spent hours picking out the night before. “Sadie, smile” The camera clicked. “There, I’m going back to bed.” I looked at the picture on the camera. I grabbed my backpack and then I walked out the door.

I put the photo back into the journal. I began to unpack my boxes when I heard a scream. “Where the hell are you Sadie?” I walked down the stairs. “Why are the boxes still here? Move them! And I’m going out. I’ll be home late. Don’t wait up. Here’s some money. Get dinner for the kids. Bye.” She walked out the door leaving me with forty bucks in my hand. Carlie stumbled out. “Cookie!” I shook my head and then I picked her up. I also helped Casey get into his wheelchair. “Dinner? Me hungry.” He asked. I nodded. I have a box of mac n’ cheese somewhere. They love mac n’ cheese. I usually don’t eat a lot. My appetite has massively decreased since the incident and even though I did get sick twice, I wasn’t hungry at all. “Don’t I get something to eat? I’m freaking starving. It’s been at least six hours.” My stomach rumbled as to add emphasis to the fact that I was hungry. “Yes,” he said with a smirk.

I ran to the bathroom and threw up again. “Sadie, sick?” Casey asked. I nodded. ‘In more ways than one, Sadie.’ I made them dinner and we sat on the floor and played Monopoly while they ate. Eventually, they gave up and decided to just take whatever they wanted. I think I had ten monopoly dollars and they had like three thousand each. They rewrote the rules, but I was fine with it. They are children for heaven's sake. After they finished dinner, I tucked them back into bed and gave them a kiss on the cheek. “Sadie, why awe you quiet?” I choked my throat and he laughed. “Bad voice!” I shut the lights off and closed the door. “Night sissy, love you!”

I went back up to my fortress of solitude and pulled out my backpack. I put my journal and pencil case in with the notebooks and folders the colors of the rainbow. ‘There you go, act normal, Sadie. Don’t let anyone know that you’re not okay.’ I fell asleep reluctantly.

I woke up in the morning at what looked like 5:38. I got up and took a cold shower, which was a fruitless effort. I was still exhausted even after being surrounded in freezing cold droplets for fifteen minutes. I pulled a sweatshirt over my head and struggled to get my legs into my jeans because I felt so weak. I laid back down on the bed for a second and then got up instantly. I couldn’t fall back to sleep. I got up and decided to go over to Riley’s house. I silently snuck out of the house and made my way over to the next door neighbor’s house.

I knocked on the door. I heard a faint. “Come on in.” I turned the knob on the door and saw Monroe’s pale body just lying on the now blood soaked rug. “Stop you’re hurting me. This isn’t cool!” “Well then shut the hell up. Then I’ll stop punishing you. Can you do that?” He held up his hands and I saw my blood on them. I whimpered and tried to hide my silent tears as he held the knife to my neck and-

I heard a scream and I opened my eyes from my place on the ground. “Sadie, what happened?” I stood up, trying to pantomime that I had no idea what happened, but my hands were just flailing in a million directions. “She started taking deep breaths as she pulled out her phone. “Hello? M-m-my brotther just a-attempted su-suic-c-ide. I-I need h-help.” She said while crying. After she got off the phone, I willingly gave her a hug and a pat on the back. “He wasn’t depressed, Sadie. He was perfectly happy yesterday. He actually smiled.”

After the ambulance arrived and took Monroe away and I had written my statement for the police, I decided that one more day home from school wouldn’t kill me, so I made my way up to my room. When I got to my room I sat on the hardwood floor. I curled up into a ball and let the tears fall onto the cold floor. I’ve been numb and emotionless for so long. “Stop crying or I’ll kill you. I will!” He screamed at me. I just hugged my knees to my chest and silently sobbed. “I said quiet!” He grabbed me and-.  I cried even harder, but I slowed when I heard a noise. I saw Carlie stagger into my room. I waved her off. She gave me a hug. “Cookie?”  Carlie can only say one word. She makes sounds and claps her hands. She knows I’m not okay. She may not be able to form complete sentences, but she can really cheer someone up. She also can tell the way someone is feeling. She understands people’s emotions. She tries to say something. “Saddie O.K?” I smile and pull her to my chest. Those are the only words I’ve ever heard her say besides “cookie.”

She eventually stumbles back downstairs with my help. I sit her on the couch and put on Dora the Explorer for them. It’s their favorite show. As they sit engulfed by the television’s images I chuckle. ‘Your family is so screwed up: Casey can’t walk, Carlie has fetal alcohol syndrome, you don’t talk, your mother has drinking problems and can’t even supply TLC for her children. All she does is drink, sleep around and actually sleep. Ha, and you’re the family whore. Well, If you are a whore, then I guess you learned from the best.’

I knew my mother went to work and the babysitter called and said she was stuck in traffic and would be here soon. I wander into the kitchen and look in the fridge: only her precious alcohol and the leftover mac ‘n cheese. I closed the door and opened the pantry. The contents were quite disturbing: a bottle of oxy, a letter from Brown University for an Elaine Korcowski , a box of probably stale cookies and a half empty box of condoms. I took the bottle of oxy and went upstairs. But, I couldn’t get the fact that the previous owner was bedding women out of my head.

“Stop it! What are you doing?” He laughed and then began to lunge towards my body. “No, Get off me, pervert. No!”  I just heard him chuckle. I examined the bottle in my hand. Possible side effects may include, but are not limited to: nausea, vomiting, constipation, dry mouth, weakness, dizziness and/or drowsiness. I go to the sink and place a tablet on my tongue and take a drink straight from the faucet. I lie down on my bed and pull up the covers. I sleep in a torrent of nightmares, all involving me hurting Monroe.

A noise downstairs awakes me from my oh-so pleasant dreams. I stumble down the stairs. “Hi, I’m Elizabeth. I’m the baby sitter. Sorry, I dropped the wheelchair on its side. Did I wake you?” I nodded. “Sorry, you don’t look too well. Do you need anything?” I shook my head. “Oh, how come there’s nothing but alcohol in this house?” “Hello Sadie. Here have a drink.” “No, I don’t drink alcohol.” “Oh, come on. It’s just one drink. You’ll like it!” I take a sip of the drink. I hold back the urge to spit it out. The next thing I knew, everything was going black. He came behind me and-.  I ran to the bathroom and threw up. “Sadie, Wizzie asked if you awe okay?” Casey said. I stuck my thumb up. “Sadie nevew tawks.” Casey explained. “Oh.” Lizzie said taken back. “She looks like she has the flu.” She said feeling my forehead. You’re going upstairs. Now, can you two be very quiet and very nice until I get your sister upstairs and tucked in?” They nodded and she helped me up the stairs, her too red hair flowing behind her. “Sadie? Um, you don’t drink do you?” I shook my head. “Good. Now, let’s get you to sleep. I’m going to order pizza for you guys and if you’re up to it later, you can join us.” I gave her twenty of the forty my mom gave me yesterday. “Thanks.” She shut off the lights and left me alone. ‘She reminds you of you, doesn't she?'