Muted

Chapter 10

I stayed home the next day by orders of George. He didn't want me spreading the flu. I didn't mind. It was a Friday and I loved the idea of a three day weekend. Although, I had to watch Carlie until her social worker came over to make sure she was okay. Carlie was in my room playing with Barbie dolls while I watched. She had them put on a fashion show for me. I thought it was cute. She has way too many dolls though. She did wander under my bed and found my journal. She used it as a runway. I thought it was too adorable.I just couldn't shake Monroe. He left after the movie was over. He gave me a kiss on the head and left. He let me borrow his laptop to watch movies while he was at school. I watched The Hunger Games and some others I don't remember. I just laid in bed until Dan, Laine, Hannah, Riley and Monroe came over. "Listen, we're all worried about you." Monroe started. "Monroe told us about your freak out last night." Riley said. "We just want to know that you're no danger to yourself." Dan said. I rolled my eyes and laid down. "We know you can hear us. You're mute, not deaf." Laine said. Someone tore my blankets off of me. "Sadie, I'm really worried about you." Monroe said. He sat on my bed. I couldn't keep in control much longer. He needed to let go of me. I only knew of one way to get rid of him. He'd be upset, but in the end, it would save them.

They finally left me alone. George was at work and Carlie was with her social worker. I walked over to my board. I took out all my pills: vicodin, Mr. Halone's oxy that he left and the other painkillers in my medicine cabinet and poured one from each. I opened my hand and made a pill cocktail. I swallowed them all. I felt bad, but their protection was more important.

"She's not waking up. Should we do something?" "Maybe we should take her to the hospital." I sat up. The light burned my eyes. I saw Dan and Monroe. "Thank God you're up. We thought you tried to kill yourself." "Do you want to go to the mall with us?" Dan asked. I didn't answer. "Well, you're coming anyway. We'll let you shower and change." Monroe said. Once they left, I grabbed clothes and went to take a shower. I heard them talking downstairs. "So, how's your relationship?" "I feel that it's one sided. I really like her, but she's letting something get in between us. She's not telling me anything or writing for that matter." "I'm sorry, I'm not sure what's wrong." "Something happened to her. It probably wasn't good. She cries when I touch her and those scars are terrible." "Do you think she was raped?" "Yeah, I do." I sat down in the shower. I felt warmth on my back. It felt amazing. I really liked Monroe,  but I'm not sure how much time I have left until he tries to take me back. I constantly live in fear of him. He's unpredictable and just a terrible person overall. Yet, I can't help submitting my fear to his wants.

The mall was boring. I wasn't a big fan of social gatherings and I was bored. I had a coffee to wake myself up from my suicide attempt. I was still groggy. I gulped down a black coffee. Monroe was surprised by me drinking coffee. “Were you thirsty dear?” I nodded. I didn’t want him to know what I did. I was angry that it didn't work, so I scalded my throat with hot coffee. We walked to the dress shop. “Vickie, did you finish that room?” Monroe asked. “Yep, it looks great. Now, are you here to pick up the dress? “ “Yes, sorry about Riley, they were fighting and she returned the dress.” “No problem. I saved it when she returned it. Do you want to see yourself in it in the room?” I shook my head. “No, you should! I would love to see you in the dress.” Monroe said. I hit him. I was saved by a bell ringing. It was Ian Michael. “Hey, I’m here to pick up a dress for my prom date.” Vickie walked towards him.  “Hold on, let me get Sadie into her dress.” I was led to a fitting room. Vickie gave me my dress. I slipped into it. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible. I walked out. Ian Michael was looking at me. He had his phone out. “I need to text my prom date to tell her that I got her dress. I don’t get a signal though.” He lifted it higher to try and get a signal. Eventually, he gave up.

“That dress looks great on you.” He said to me. I touched my hand to my chin. “You’re welcome.” “So, who’s your prom date?”  Dan asked. “I’m just taking Alyssa. She wants to go with me as friends, so I said yes. We aren’t staying long though. She has a ten o’clock curfew.” “I’m not going." Dan said. "Why not?" "You know, I couldn't find anyone to go with." "Didn't like fifteen girls ask to go with you?" "Yeah, I didn't like any of them." "Well, okay. I have to get this to Alyssa. See you in math, Sadie." Monroe looked at me. "Okay, I don't like him." I shrugged. "His hair looked fake." Dan said. We looked at him. "Okay, just because you're gay, doesn't mean you have to act the part." Monroe said. "No, up close it looked as if it was spray painted on." I shrugged. "Maybe he hates his normal hair." Monroe said. "I love this dress on you. I don't care about the scars. I think you look great." Dan left the room. "I'll match the tie and the corsage. It will be your perfect night. I will make sure of that." Monroe assured me, but his words didn't calm my uneasiness.

After the fight, Riley and I never really made up. She still talked to me, but it was awkward, more awkward than usual. I wanted to apologize, but without a voice, it’s hard to say. I had to do whatever I could to convey my point. I walked up to her house. I knocked on her door and held up my board. I had decorated it to make it say ‘I’m sorry.’ She answered the door. She hugged me when she saw the sign. “Listen, I forgave you a long time ago. The only reason I got angry is because you’re scaring my brother. Monroe’s getting worried. He waits for your light to go off every night to fall asleep. The other night, you fell asleep with your light on and he freaked out.” I smiled. Monroe didn’t need to know about my failed suicide attempt. Especially after what I heard about. He does not need to become my crazy protector. I never asked him to look out for me. “Listen, I forgive you, but you have got to tell my step-brother, in your unique way, that you are silent and that’s what you are. He doesn’t understand that. He’s trying to understand why you are the way you are. I keep telling him that sometimes things happen and you have to move on. Maybe she was born mute. You can’t change someone. He can’t let that go. He thinks you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I told him that diagnosing you is not going to ease his mind. He’s afraid you’re going to try and kill yourself. I don’t think that that is a problem for you.” I shook my head. Of course it is a fucking problem for me. I cannot be under his control anymore. He will track me down if I run, he will ruin my family and friends and he will hurt me until I break and submit myself to his wishes. Death seems to be the only way to get him away from me. Monroe means too much to me and so do my friends. I haven’t had friends in so long and to have people who care about me is really weird. I’ve usually just been the girl who people laugh at and spread rumours about. My life is not ideal, but I can’t end it. I’m glad I failed the other day. I would be without the thing I’ve been trying to gain back since the incident. I’d be without social acceptance and people who understand where I come from. They know I’m troubled and they are as well. They all have some sort of an issue whether it be drug addiction, anorexia, depression, alcohol dependence, sexual abuse history and more. I cannot end my life. It means way too much to me, and to them.