Muted

Chapter 16

Monroe became this poster perfect boyfriend after I was let out of the hospital and Ren in police custody. He walked with me from class to class, brought me on picnics and talked with me on the phone until I fell asleep. It was nice at first. I loved when he made a picnic basket and we ate and admired the clouds. He played the guitar to me and attempted to serenade me. He wasn’t grabby and he respected my limits. As I said, it was nice at first. He began to grow clingy and paranoid. He would get angry if I began to push him away. I never had alone time. He didn’t trust me. He thought I would kill myself. I guess he was worried that since I didn’t keep up with my medicine, he feared for my life. I understood his feelings, but he needed to relax. I had to tell him that I'm a regular girl who can take care of herself. “Monroe, I love you, but you are being too paranoid.” He held me close. “I just never want to lose you.” I pushed him away and turned away from him. “And you won’t. You need to relax. I am no danger to myself, nor will he ever come back. He tried to kill both of us, he will get jail time for that, at least. As for the charges of sexual abuse that I am pressing, I’m not sure. Anything can happen. You need to realize that I will somehow overcome what he’s done to me. I can’t promise anything now.” “That’s why I’m always around you: to help you cope with that tragic dilemma.” I sighed. “Monroe, only I can get over that obstacle. I can’t tell what will happen, but I know that he won’t be in my life anymore.” He kissed me and we heard a door. We both looked to see who it was, it was Riley, Dan, Hannah and Randy. I smiled at them. “Hey guys.” Monroe said. “We just stopped by to see how you’re doing, Sadie.” Riley said. “Well, I’m doing better.” “I’m glad. I can’t believe it was the dreamy Ian Michael!” Riley said. “Yeah, I fucking trusted him!” Hannah exclaimed. I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Monroe’s. I shrugged it off. “How do you think I feel guys?” I asked. “He tricked me twice. First, he lured me in with his appearance, the second he threatened what was close to me and I can’t forgive him for that. He injured my little brother, he tried to kill my boyfriend and he tried to keep me for his sex toy, which I am not. He is a sadistic bastard. Before he left for school on the day I escaped, he cut my whole body up as if I were an apple and he was a child splitting me open to get the seeds so he could plant them. I was bloodied and burned and almost died from blood loss. Who knows how long he would have kept me there if I hadn’t escaped? Would it have been months or years? I could have turned out like those girls on the news or in that book, Room: unable to find the will to leave my captor and with child. I couldn’t take care of a child then. Hell, I was unable to care for myself. They would have grown up like me, mute. That would be great! A child unable to talk because of their mother.” I was crying by now. “What if he never let me go the first time? He knew damn well that I wouldn’t talk. That knife to my throat was enough to scare a fourteen-year-old girl into silence, which was why he released me. People just thought I ran away. No one ever questioned what happened. Not my mother, not my teachers, not my friends. They ignored it. No one cared!” I collapsed on the floor. “What if he gave you a baby?” Someone questioned and I began to cry even harder. “Sadie, maybe you should lie down?” Riley knelt next to me. “I don’t want to lie down. I will just wallow in my sadness. No, I want to find this bastard and pound him into the fucking sand!” I stood up and went out the door. Someone grabbed my waist to hold me back. Randy and Dan stepped in front of the door. “Sadie, relax.” Dan said. “No, if my abuser gets off with a fucking warning, I am going to kill him! Why should he get away with it all? Why? Is it fair to me and to other women? No, it isn’t! This is why our justice system is fucked up! They need physical evidence, not cuts or scars or scabs. No, they need a freaking picture of the act happening!” Someone picked me up and put a hand over my mouth. I began to cry even harder. “Shhh, relax.” It was Monroe’s voice. He laid me on his bed and gave me a kiss on the head. “Relax, maybe go to sleep.” He turned the light off and left the room. I couldn’t relax. All I could remember was those rough hands and the smell of Axe and Old Spice and what happened the first time.

I guess I dozed off, because sometime later in the day, Monroe came in to check on me. “Are you feeling better?” I nodded. He rubbed my leg. He always rubbed my leg. I hated it. “Can you not rub my leg. Sorry, it tickles.” “Really?” He said with a devilish grin. He then started tickling me. I was laughing so hard. I tried to get him, but he wasn’t as ticklish as I was. When we stopped he was on top of me. He looked at me for a second and then he kissed me. It wasn’t his usual, gentle kiss. This one was intense and full of passion. I moved my hands up to his hair. I ran my fingers through his black locks. He deepened the kiss and I knew what he was going for. I didn’t stop him yet. I ran my fingers under his shirt. His hands were roaming. I stopped him. “No, we don’t know if I have an STD or even if I’m pregnant.” I almost added an ‘again’ at the end. He put his hand on my stomach. “I’m sorry.” “No, it’s not your fault. You can make up for it by driving me to the planned parenthood clinic downtown.” I said, leaving him on the bed confused.

We arrived at the clinic and I signed in. There were so many girls around us. Some had bloated stomachs, others were scared. Some were crying and others were shaking. Mothers and boyfriends were holding hands. A couple sat next to us. “Hey, I read about you in the paper.” She said to me. “I assume that’s why you’re here.” I nodded. “I’m here because my mom doesn’t trust me.” “That’s terrible.” We talked until a nurse came out and got me. She gave me paperwork to fill out. It was just simple questions like sex, birthday and previous sexual encounters. I answered the questions and the survey truthfully. The nurse then took me back to a room. She sat me in a chair and asked me a few more questions. To be honest, I really don’t remember the questions she asked me. I was just nervous. I do remember her pricking my finger to test for HIV and taking blood from my arm for both a pregnancy test and a syphilis test. Then I did another test that I don’t want to mention. I then got my HIV test results, negative, and some free condoms. Well, I guess that was an effective way of proving their point. If you don't have a baby or STD, then here’s some condoms and prevent them for now. I put my hand to my head.

We left the depressing office. “Do you want to go out to eat?” He asked. “No.” I said. “I want to go home. I really just want to go play Barbies with Carlie and then cook dinner.” He looked sad. “When my results come back, we can go out, whether they are negative or not.” He nodded.

I got home and immediately was dragged to Barbie land. Carlie was showing me her new dolls. “They’re awesome, Carlie!” I said. She put her doll down. “Words?” “What do you mean?” “Saddie talk!” She clapped and hugged me. I kissed her on her forehead. “You stay in my woom?” She asked me. “Yes, of course.” I did. I slept on the floor. She slept peacefully as I laid awake on the floor. I stared at the teddy bear light covering on the ceiling. I couldn’t shake the feeling of his hands on my skin and his tongue in my mouth. I got up and went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth for ten minutes. I still could taste the alcohol. I kept brushing. I spit. My mouth felt raw and swollen. I then began to scrub my hands like Lady Macbeth. I was trying to forget it all. I awoke the next morning with my mom standing over me. “Sadie, are you okay? Did you sleep here?” I got up. “I felt nauseous last night and thought I was going to get sick, I guess I fell asleep.” My mom sighed and stepped over me to do her makeup.