Muted

Chapter 5

“I didn’t expect for this to happen. I was just going to basketball practice when I heard Laine on the phone. I assume she’s got a new boyfriend, but I could care less. Then, I received a message that said that coach got sick and gave us a break. So, I decided that I’d see Monroe. I miss him. I get tired of being the only boy in the group.” I stirred the sauce. “I guess Hannah and Riley had the same idea. I was right outside the room when I heard my name. They were talking about me and my past abuse with ‘roids. I screwed up then too. I never went in the room. I went straight home, grabbed my stash and I smoked. I did drugs for the first time in months.” I steadied his face. His pupils were dilated and the whites were bloodshot. He started coughing. I gave him a cup of water. He continued. “I then walked back into the hospital. They saw me and I just started talking. I was yelling and I even punched a wall.” I didn’t notice his red hand. I found a bag of frozen peas and handed it to him. I shut off the sauce and moved it to a cool burner and I drained the pasta over the sink. I pulled out four plates and plopped one in front of him. I rang the bell we have placed so I can call them for dinner when I cook. “I ran outta there very quickly. I don’t think that they will talk to me.” I rubbed his back. I felt very bad for him.

My mother walked in. “Guest?” I nodded. She must really have a bad hangover if she isn’t in the mood for criticizing me. Casey rolled in after her and Carlie ran towards me. I picked up Carlie and put her in her high chair while my mother helped Casey. I served everyone, and by serving that includes cutting up Carlie and Casey’s spaghetti and helping Dan calm down. I must have given that boy over five glasses of ice water during the duration of dinner. “Hey, are you not eating?” Dan asked. I shook my head. I wasn’t hungry at all. I am used to eating very little. “You are too heavy. I like my women skinny, remember. No eating okay? I want to feel your bones against my hand when I touch you.” My appetite is nonexistent. Even though I hadn’t eaten much since the car ride here.

Carlie, Casey and my mother went off to do their activities consisting of Barbies, monster trucks and pillows. I sat down next to Dan. He got up and took a plate. ‘Was he hungry again?’ He filled it up with spaghetti. ‘Maybe he was still on steroids.’ He plopped it in front of me and handed me a fork. “Eat.” I shook my head. “You have to eat.” He said trying to be calm. ‘Sadie, you eat those carbs and he will come after you. You’ll gain weight and be even less attractive.’  I can’t be forced to do anything. Ever since the incident, I kind of have a meltdown every time I am commanded to do something. “Not eating isn’t going to solve anything. It won’t get back at your mother or at whomever you are mad at.” I glared at him. “Why are you mute? You not only starve yourself of food but of social experience.” I just sat down with my hands crossed over my upper arms and pulled my knees to my chest.

“Why am I here? You’re fucking mute! Why the hell don’t you fucking talk? It’s so goddamn juvenile! Oh, something bad happened, I’m just gonna shut myself off from the whole frickin’ world!” I started crying again. “Cry, bitch. Fucking sob until your eyes are dry and the floor is soaked with your tears. Eat the damned food! I don’t understand why you’re being fucking difficult!” I pointed to the door. He was going to scare the kids and wake my mother. He got up and grabbed my shoulders. He shook me a few times and pushed me to the ground. I heard a door slam shut, probably the front door. I curled into a ball until Carlie jumped on me. “Saddie, no good?” She gave me her doll. I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I stood up and locked the door behind me. I made sure I wasn't injured. I didn't hit my head, but I figured bruises would form on my shoulders. “Man bad. No likey.” Casey said, rolling up to us. “Park?” He asked. “Sure, leave me alone. Get out of the house!” My mom screamed from upstairs.

Casey got Carlie and I got them out the door. “Park’s there. Lizzie took us today.” He led us through a side street which led to a quaint playground. Casey can't exactly play on the swing sets like the other kids, so I lifted him up and put him into a child swing. I pushed him as Carlie ran around and eventually landed in the sandbox. I watched her from the swings. Casey wanted to go play in the sandbox as well, so I put him back in his chair.  Casey then joined Carlie and a little girl with blonde hair. I turned to see her mom, all I saw was Hannah. This must be the adorable daughter that lives with her infertile sister. I poke her and wave. She gasps. “Sadie, what the hell are you doing here?” I motion to my siblings. “Brother and sister?” I nod. “This is my baby girl, Torie.” I wave at her. “She is mine, but my sister adopted her.” I could see the resemblance: They both had blonde hair and blue eyes. “I was dating some guy and I thought that I was invincible, so I snuck out to see him every night. He was a lot older and one day he asked me to prom. I got drunk, we had sex and now, well, I have little Torie. My mother blames him, I blame myself. Even after my baby was born, I never had a revelation and changed my ways. I am well-known at parties and guys attempt to take advantage of me all the time. I still see Derek, but he and I have really drifted apart. My sister takes better care of her than I would and she even told Torie that I’m her mother and I can’t take care of her right now, so she’s helping.” Torie comes up to Hannah and I. “Mommy, what’s wrong with Casey’s legs?” She brushes off some of the sand on Torie's pants. “Sweetheart, he can’t walk.” “That’s sad mommy.” “Yes, it is dear.” She runs off. “ She’s the only thing keeping me alive.”