Muted

Chapter 20

a/n- and now you find out everything about Sadie. Warning, it's actually kind of depressing. I was a having a really bad day and I guess I took it out on Sadie. So, sorry.

Riley left pissed at me. The rest of them, even though they stood up for me, followed after her. I was downright depressed, even though I was released that night. I got home and didn’t eat. My mom let it pass, thinking I was stressed over the whole situation. I also couldn’t sleep at night. That’s when I made my decision. I took out some paper and began my note:

           'To whoever finds me,

I can’t continue to go on like this. My life is terrible. I have memories of being sexually abused and physically abused. To be completely honest, my life sucks. It all started when I was younger. My mom drank and cared little for me. Sometimes, I would go to bed without dinner and others I would eat very little. All our money was spent on alcohol and cocktail dresses. I don't even know my father. Eventually, Child Protective Services took me away. The kids I lived with weren’t very kind. This is the first time I’m admitting it, but the dad in one of the families I lived in raped me. That is where my silence began from. He told me to keep quiet about it all. I was ten. I didn’t really know what it was. He came into my room one night when his wife was away and told me that in order to stay; I had to show him my love and devotion. I was unsure of what he was doing, but I kept quiet. Then, the next major event was meeting Ren. That was the reason I refused to sleep with Ren. Why would I want to experience that pain again. He was unique and not as goody-goody as everyone else was, me included. I was attracted to his looks and attitude. We eventually started dating. One night, he took me to a party. He was drunk from the second he picked me up. He didn’t stop drinking all night. He promised me a good time. I didn’t have fun at all. When we left, we went to his car. We were making out, when he wanted to go further. I tried to stop him, but I had angered him. He slapped me and raped me for the first time. He then tied my hands together with straps from his jacket. I was laying on his back seat, crying my eyes out. We drove for what seemed like hours. He threw me into a prison-like cell and locked the gate. I became silent through mistreatment, malnourishment and torture. He loved the torture part: starvation, drugs, alcohol, wounds. He would cut me until I passed out sometimes. He loved holding a knife to my throat and threatening me and everything I loved. When he let me go, I was silent and so afraid of everything, that he had nothing to worry about.

We had to move away from that hell hole, so we chose here. I planned on staying in the shadows, but that wasn’t what happened. Riley, Dan, Laine, Hannah and Monroe all befriended me. They told me their secrets. Riley was an ex-dancer with severe body dysmorphia and anorexia and a slight bit of OCD. Dan was addicted to drugs and performance enhancement drugs and discovered something about his sexuality. Elaine was sexually abused by her father and put herself into relationships that were abusive or with older men. Eventually, Hannah and I discovered her secret relationship with a teacher and their child. Hannah slept around and got pregnant at fourteen. She has an adorable little girl. Lastly, Monroe told me that he killed his father in self defense when he came home and saw his father beating his mother. He was almost killed twice for that. It turns out that Ren and Monroe were related by blood. They both have the same father. Ren never forgave Monroe for what he had done. It turned out a whole mess.

Monroe and I became romantically involved with one another. It was the first relationship that I had had since Ren. He even asked me to prom. Prom night was the second night I was kidnapped. Ren or Ian as everyone knew him as had led me downstairs and made his move. He tied me to his bed and raped me. It was horrible. He lent me to other men who made me do these horrid sexual acts and made me feel terrible about myself. He tortured me by cutting me and making me watch the news. I saw Monroe’s plea for me to be found and I lost it. One day, before he left for school, he drugged me and then mutilated my body. When I woke up, I was woozy from blood loss and in pain. I wasn’t going to let him win, so I used my strength and climbed out his window. I had escaped. I was then placed into an adolescent psychological protection program where I would be treated for my psychological problems, which were found out after I had a panic attack. While I was being treated, I was using my artistic abilities to show my emotions. I drew odd and very disturbing drawings while they examined them. I rarely gave my written opinions and had been befriended by a peppy blonde and a shy intellectual. When they left, I met Randy, who turned out to be Dan’s boyfriend. I never discovered how they met, but I approve. Randy was nice and well, he was a concerned person. He reported my picture when I drew a disemboweled Ian/Ren. When I spoke for the first time in years, I was scared. I lost it when some guy gave his opinion about rape. I said my first words and stood up for myself.

I was nervous when I spoke in front of my friends for the first time. They were surprised as well. I loved the look on Ian/ Ren’s face when I exposed him for who he really was. I loved seeing him struggle with the fact that I could speak. I was scared at first, but I was extremely happy that I had revealed him for who he really was, a fucking liar. Of course he stabbed me. I should have expected that. Monroe was an angel the whole time. He was careful with me and he knew that I was fragile. When I was released from the hospital, we pursued our relationship further. He went to the clinic with me so I could get tested for any possible STDs and pregnancy. Both were negative. When he found out, he took me to his grandmother’s beach house. We had a fun time. Nothing happened.

When we woke up in the morning, I had another panic attack. I contributed it to the fact that there was someone who loved me, unlike the childhood authoritative figures that had betrayed me. But, before my attack, he said that he never wanted to move from where we were. He was holding my body close to his and for the first time in forever, I truly felt safe. I never wanted to leave the bed, but we had to.

       When we went to the mall, he shared his music with me. He went to go get ice cream and when he came back, he was different. His height was off and his voice was deeper. I was confused. I only spent two days with the impostor. He kidnapped me and brought me to where my real Monroe was. He was tied up and beaten and bloody. I was soon next to him. One event led to the next and I had called the police. Then, just in time, as Ren was strangling me, the police showed up. I eventually lost consciousness and later found out that Monroe was shot in the chest twice and was in a coma. I was fine.

My real point of this recap of my life is to explain why I am trying to kill myself. Starting from the beginning, I am fucked up. I’m crazy. I’m depressed, anxious and insane! I was exploited by many different men for their sexual pleasures. My pleasures didn’t matter to anyone. I was uncomfortable having sex with other men because they forced me. I came to the conclusion that my body is just a device for men to deposit their sexual frustration upon. Thus, making me useless.

Also, I hurt everything that I come into contact with. I severely injured and disabled my little brother because some idiot was angry at me. He hit him with a car because of me. I also ruined my reputation and my body. Lastly, I may have killed the one I love, which is why I cannot stay here anymore. I am a tool for destruction and I must be punished for my actions.

I wanted to write my last messages to everyone. I want you all to know that I love you very much and I am terribly sorry for being so selfish. I need to put you all out of harm and my death is the only way to solve it.

Riley- I’m sorry that I have hurt you. I never meant to put your brother in danger. I really did love him. I wish he didn't get stuck in my dilemma. I want him to wake up. I also wanted to thank you for finding me a prom dress even though you returned it the first time. You have impeccable style.

Laine- Good luck with Thomas and your unborn child! I hope you guys last and have a healthy relationship and family. I'm sorry I won't be at your wedding and the birth of your child, but I want to ensure you have a future.

Hannah- I hope Torie grows up to be a successful young woman and not a detective like her mother. I'm sure everything will solve itself.

Dan- Randy’s a keeper, don’t lose him. Don’t submit yourself to drugs, you could hurt him. I’m glad I was there to help you discover your sexual identity.

Randy- You helped me find my voice, thank you.

Casey- I’m sorry I won’t be there to see you or Carlie grow up. You’re a bright young man. Don’t listen to what others say about you. Your wheelchair says nothing about your character.

Carlie- I love you, sweetie. When you’re older, they will tell you where I went.

Mom- Thanks for turning your life around. George has been a positive influence on your life. I love you.

Monroe- If you do make it out alive, remember that this was for the best. I’m sorry for leaving you early, but I had to. I will miss you forever. You were my one and only love.

I’ll miss you all, but as I said this has to be done. There is no other escape from him. Just tell Ren that he got what he wanted. He won…

I put the letter on my desk. I had noticed that some tears had escaped from my eyes and I wiped them away. I walked over to my dresser and took out my stash. I looked at the pills that I had. I grabbed my water and began popping pills that were left over from the last attempt. I took almost everything I had. Then I took out my x-acto knife. I sliced into my wrists a few times. Blood was gushing out. I began to-.