LOVE MYSELF - LOVE YOURSELF

59.

Stuff I've thought about my idol crush #2
I honestly don't really care anymore if someone says what I feel is not real.
I mean,
Don't you think I've asked myself the same question a thousand times already?
But it feels real
And no matter how intelligently I think about it or how detailed I explain it,
I don't know what this is.
It just feels that way.
I just like him even though I know this could be not real, a phase or something I will forget someday.
But I'll surely never be ashamed of my feelings towards him,
Because his existence kept my broken pieces together all the time I did not know I was broken.
Because he held them until I could take care of them by myself.
I don't know if this is love,
But I'm grateful that I got to know about someone like him.
Do you mind telling me what this is?
Because I don't know anymore,
And this has been on my mind for months.
I just can't get over his smile and over the way his eyes close because his cheeks express his happiness in such a vividly and cute way, that they can't help it but want to hide his eyes behind them.
I can't get over his hands being so delicate and his skin looking so soft.
How his hair looks so elegant and beautiful, no matter what colour it has.
Maybe it's just me that thinks every colour suits him...
The sound of his laugh makes me happy and fills me with joy and when he sings I can only feel mesmerized.
There are days where I get goosebumps when I hear him sing and I just know
That I respect him more than I had thought I would when I saw him for the first time.
The way his delicate figure moves when he dances, makes me feel like I am the smallest being in the world.
I honestly was afraid of his beauty for a long time and I still kind of am since I've always been afraid of beauty,
But even though I think about him as beautiful,
I respect him as a human in a way I will never think about him being more worth than I am.
Sure, my feelings towards someone I will probably never meet, and if I do he will probably not remember me, have hurt for a long time, but I just don't expect anything from him anymore.
I just hope he is happy.
And it doesn't matter at all if I don't play any role in his life like I do right now.
It doesn't matter if he marries and has children or if he decides to stop being a celebrity,
Even if it might hurt at the beginning.
Because even if I feel like my feelings for him are forever,
There isn't something like a pain that lasts forever.
It will fade
And I will be happy for him in the future.
My dreams with him won't exist in the future.
I know I said I would give him up a long time ago,
But I will support him as the fan I am.
So I will stop dreaming about him.
I will stop dreaming about his laugh, his smile, his voice, his face, his personality.
I want it to fade away, so I don't have any hopes if I see you in person someday.
So that I can honestly thank him for all he has done for me without even knowing what he did,
Without knowing about my existence.
This is some kind of love.
Maybe it's not the romantic kind of love it you say so,
But do you know what this feeling is called?

Someday,
Someday I will not feel like this anymore,
But I will remember him.