LOVE MYSELF - LOVE YOURSELF

17.

As I said before, I think the recovery we are looking for,
is in our minds.
You know, I did not noticed how brutal I was being towards myself,
Toward my mind and body,
Until I recognized that I hoped for the well-being for others, but I did not cared at all for myself
I told myself how ugly I was no matter what I was doing,
I gave myself the fault for everything,
I let everyone bully my mind by making me inappropriate comments and I did not do anything to defend myself at all,
I stressed about everything and let everyone's opinion define me,
I was literally ashamed of EVERYTHING about myself,
Bad thoughts kept repeating and coming around.
And you can guess that I was not okay.
Even if that's what I told everyone.
I literally became a living wrack without even knowing what I was doing with my life.
Sleepless and with my body feeling like it had nothing of what it actually needed,
The only thing I did was to go to school.
And I guess it was the perfect distraction,
But also a deadly weapon.
I think most of the people I told I was stressed did not believe me or thought I was overreacting, because they believed there was nothing someone like me would actually be stressed about.
But of course they wouldn't know if I never told them
And that's not their problem,
Because I actually should have tried to take care of myself.
So you can already imagine that my daily life was mostly filled with negative thoughts, stress and the constant feeling of going mad without knowing what the hell I was even doing.
Some may say that I could have asked someone for help or something like that,
But there is not something like that were I am (except of my best friend who lives quite far away) and it also was unthinkable for me to look for help,
Because I was quite sure I had it all under control.
So I started trying to make little changes.
I'm not sure how to describe it, but it feels like giving yourself a pat on the shoulder.
Kinda comforting yourself.
So whenever I was about to think "Man you look like a mess. You could have done that better. It's your fault. You are such a failure and you know it." I thought "Everything is going to be okay. You may have not done everything perfect, but you did this and this good. You are making progress. You can't expect yourself to be perfect or to not make any mistakes. Today was a good day, you just have to see the bright side of it and I bet tomorrow is going to be great if you give it the chance to be. Because tomorrow is a whole new day and when the sun rises up again, we will try again. So keep going and don't give up!"
Do you understand what I mean?
It is like motivating yourself
And it has actually worked til now
Because whenever I feel down or feel like I can't bare it anymore, I comfort myself.
I guess sometimes we expect someone to tell us that everything is going to be okay,
But it actually should be ourselves.
I don't want to expect answers to appear out of nothing.
I have always been quite an independent person
And I think it's better to be someone that can save themselves than being someone who expects to be saved.
I love helping others, but I don't like being someone who needs help.
Kinda sad, right?
But I'm currently learning that it's okay to ask for help,
Because we are not alone no matter if we think we are.
There is always someone who cares about you.
Maybe you haven't noticed him or her yet
Or you actually think they don't care
But I'd like to have hope,
To be positive and optimistic for as long as I can
Because it's way better than how I was before
So I hope being a better version of myself in the future
A version of myself with a brighter smile and a bigger heart
And I hope you can do same too