Sometimes, or actually quite often, I feel like I want to be someone. Someone important Like one of all those persons I respect Someone that can be remembered Do you know that song called "History Maker"? "Can you hear my heartbeat, tired to feel like it's never enough. I close my eyes and tell myself that my dreams will come true. There'll be no more darkness if you believe in yourself, you are unstoppable.(...) Don't stop us now. The moment I dreamed. We were born to make history. We'll make it happen, we'll turn it around. Yes, we were born to make history." So basically, I wish I could be someone talented. I wish I could be someone that could make history (ik it sounds funny😂) I wish I could be someone that could be memorable or at least someone whose name more people (than the normal amounts of persons) would remember And I know it's kind of childish But the thought that only my family and some persons at my school will know about my absence, makes me question my existence The thought that those singers I like won't even know I existed That they won't even know my name, my face, not even my country They won't even know how much they changed my life That is what I am afraid of And also why I wish I could be someone whose name more people would know But I know that my existence is as important as all the other's And I know that I'm as worth as all the others' But I still have this fear and this feeling that I will die and nothing besides my death will change So I want to be someone that could inspire others I want to be someone whose name some people would remember Or someone where you say "I know her and I think she's great." Because all this time All this time the only thing someone has told me is that they wish they had my grades And that's not great Because I'm 24/7 anxious and that means that for every compliment and every critique I get I will be completely out of control trying to be what others expect me to be So when they tell me "I wish I had your grades" My fear gets bigger and I am constantly thinking about what will happen if I don't get a good grade the next time And I don't want to be like that I don't want to be dependent of what others say Because they won't care about what I say either, right? They won't see any difference from my absence And I'm so tired I'm tired in a way sleep doesn't help Not anymore Because my tiredness is a soul tiredness And it can only be okay again if I stop doing what I've done to my mind until now I want to feel like my soul and my mind are free I want to be able to sleep again I want to be free from my demons So I'm opening myself to you I'm telling you my story and telling you things about myself I don't tell the persons that surround me, Because I know that the persons that surround me have already made themselves an image of me An image that isn't real Because it's the image I made them think I am The mask I created to be away from them And I know that they'll think things about me that aren't true if I told them So I'm literally caught in a lie whose truth only you and I know (and my best friend erzalover12) And I hate how persons nowadays are Because we've become such a toxic society Bullying, mobbing, mental illnesses, traumas, critique, fear, anxiety, prejudice, complexes, judgings, self-hate, body-shaming, competition and so much more have grown in just one decade I hate this society
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I hate how I was at school and my classmate told me "Omg you thought you were on a bad school before? Have you heard what she told me? She said there were persons with depressions who cut themselves and other persons and more." And I honestly think it's one of the most stupid things I've ever heard in my life
Do persons nowadays even now what a depression is? Do they think persons who cut themselves are bad or dangerous? It's so stupid And I hate how another classmate told others how they had to diet so they wouldn't get an eating disorder, Even though I'm quite sure she has never experienced one and/or hasn't met anyone with one I hate how they judge and do like they know what they are talking about Because I would have loved to scream at them and have told them how stupid they are Have they forgotten that persons with mental illnesses or disorders are the same as other persons? Or have they never known that? I wish I could have a spoken in front of them all and could have I explained what the hell was wrong with them Because they don't have the right to talk like that And no one has I hate the fact that that classmate that talked about persons with depressions told me that, because in my old school my most classmates smoked and took drugs even though they were between 12 and 14. So of course it freaks me out that she talked about persons with depressions like they were more dangerous than people who take drugs. >>:( (Nothing against people who take drugs, I know you have your reasons...) I wish people would think about what they are going to say and about other people's feelings So I hate this society, Because it has come to the point were I'm afraid that my or other people's future children will have to live were I'm living right now: In a sick society, were you are afraid about everything you do, About what you think About what you eat About what others say About how you look like And about your mental health, because now it looks like you should also be ashamed about your mental state And that's so stupid that I have no words to express it. Like body-shaming wasn't enough, now we also have to be ashamed if THEY have made us this mentaly ill (or me at least)! So yeah, I'm triggered And that's one of the other reasons why I'm writing this Because I want to let you know, To let you realize, That you are perfectly fine, That you are beautiful That you are worth it like everybody else in this world And that you are capable of doing everything you truly want to do Because you have what it needs like everybody else So if you want to inspire people, Go do that If you want to be a dancer or a singer, Go show them what you've got If you want them to shut their mouths, Go show them that you are better than what they told you that you were If you want to look better, Go give the best of yourself
But most importantly and before you do all those things: Love Yourself Or at least try your best at it Because I truly believe that if you love yourself and appreciate your own efforts Then nobody will be able to stop you. So first of all: Go being unstoppable.
