She holds our boy on his chest because he refuses to lay on mine. The crowd killed his spirit and I can't handle what they've done to him. He go so cold that Mel had to bring him under the blankets and she's been cuddling him ever since. Every time I get close he whispers 'sorry' and tries to move away. I feel awful and my baby needs to sleep so I'm just leaving him alone. I've been watching them both sleep all night and surfing Instagram. All of these people telling me that I might as well just cancel my tour, I go through twitter to see all of these people, significantly more than usual, telling me that I should just stop this whole music thing. I haven't seen one single post explaining that maybe what I did was for a reason, maybe it was alright that I stopped for my son, maybe it wasn't fair to him for me to play the whole show, maybe there's one person that understands that I have a baby now and I've talked about this forever. He is more important to me than anything else in this world. "Why are you awake?" Mel holds our son and gives me a soft kiss. She wakes up out of habit because she knows we're leaving early.
"I couldn't sleep." I take the tiny little boy and his eyes immediately open. I feel like the worlds worst parent for not even being able to hold my son. He doesn't want me to hold him, he thinks I'll get mad at him. "It's ok love, you can sleep baby it's too early." I hum and he only shred because he's exhausted. He doesn't want to have to sleep on me but he will if it's his only option.
"Calm down a little, you're scaring him." Mel takes the baby who melts under her touch. He can't even lay close to me without getting nervous.
"I don't mean to scare him." I love my little boy more than anything but holding him in my arms and having him be terrified is the most challenging thing I've ever done in my life. I want to kiss him and cuddle him but he's so nervous.
"Grab your bag, I'll get the seat." She walks towards the door opening it and propping it open for my crew to walk in and out of. She does it out of habit.
"Can you take the baby? I'll get everything else." I sigh making my poor boy panic. He doesn't want to hurt me, he doesn't want to make me angry, and he doesn't want to be near my when I'm upset or angry.
"Hold him a little longer, he's still your boy." She falls into my arms too trying to ease my shot nerves.
"He doesn't like me, Mel, please take him."
...
I throw myself down on our bed. I have one week in Toronto before the next show. I just need to be in my own bed for a while. It's too much for me to always travel and never be at home. I love it but I'm starting to question it. My son won't even lay next to me anymore. I put a video on my Instagram. I want people to see what's happened to him after that show. He doesn't trust that he won't do anything else to make me angry so he doesn't do anything at all. "Cuddle?" Ecstasy smiles at my dad look jumping from his mamas arms falling onto the bed the same as I did. "Ow." He giggles wiggling underneath me. His body warms mine and when we both yawn Mel gives a smile.
"Nap time?" She shuts the curtains darkening the room. "Let's all take a nap?" I don't usually get so tired but I've been up for hours out of worried.
"I have work to finish." I sigh rubbing my tired eyes. I stare at my boy who looks up at me somewhat scared but he also looks sad.
"Can't it wait? You're exhausted." She takes my hands in hers and kisses my cheek. I lean my head against her shoulder and she kisses my neck.
"Me!" Ecstasy giggles. He wants a turn, we never know with who so we try out both go see who's gone he accepts. Mel lifts him and he squirms pointing at me.
"You want cuddles?" I raise an eyebrow but he pushes my head down on his shoulder. He tries his best to do what his mama did and play with my hair but he can't really so he's just pulling my hair slobbering on my temple. It's the most relaxing thing ever. "I still have work to do." I yawn. I'll pretend to fall asleep to boost my sons ego and I'll ignore my work demands for the time being. I can get it done when I wake up but I can't give up these moments with my family.
"I think daddy's asleep." Mel whispers making Ecstasy giggle and then gasp. He doesn't want to wake me with his smiles. "Don't move or daddy won't sleep." She nods as does he. I can feel his smile, he's excited to cuddle me while we take a nap together.
...
I stare at the screen of my laptop. I don't understand what they want me to do? They seem to expect me to put Ecstasy in foster care until my tour is over. The paparazzi want to see me and Mel together so I can't leave her at home and having my baby out of her way will make things easier. Most of the people in the music industry that have kids keep them out of the spotlight, and get them a nanny. I want to keep my boy away from the spotlight but I don't want anyone else to take care of him. "Mel?" I listen to her soft footsteps. Ecstasy is on my shoulder and I can't cry to him about this.
"What's the matter?" She sits next to me hugging me softly. I simply turn the computer screen her direction. "That's not fair." She scoffs moving he computer screen. My management team pretty much decides everything that happens to me. If they want him gone then I need to find a way to get out of it.
"I know but I can't tell them no." They'll probably show up at the building any minute now." I huff and soon there's a knock on the door. Mel stands to get it very prepared to yell at the group of people probably waiting to talk to me.
"Hello I'm Dan and I work with Child protective services."
