"Shawna." She whispers laying her little girl in the crib. This is the first time I've heard her name. Mel said she gave her my last name, she isn't even half mine but she has my last name and my first name as hers. Mel's been home since last night I was about to head out with Ecstasy and then she got the okay to leave with me so I brought her home. We were going to the same place I figured it was the only logical option. "You are just like your daddy." she whispers hurting my heart a little bit. "I guess he isn't your daddy." She sighs and sits down in the rocking chair. Shawna and Ecstasy are sharing a room for the time being. He's been hunched over his crib though watching his little sister so keenly that he can't sleep. Mel is worried he's not going to sleep at all and we'll have to move him. "I'm sorry everything is going to be such a mess for you. I just screwed up." She can't help but confess to the young girl, who else is going to listen. "You won't get a real daddy in your life. I screwed everything up with the one that I want to be your daddy, because of your real daddy. He's never coming back." She stands again to look the little girl straight in the face when she tells her that she is going to live a life much different than her brothers life.
"If it makes you feel better," I whisper walking into the room behind her. "I'm not going on a date anymore." I kiss her neck softly. I hate this I feel stupid, she's just so sweet. I want to have a stable relationship and it makes me look weak hugging her like this, it makes me feel weak to kiss her like this, it makes me extremely weak knowing that her words to another human being led me to cancel my date. I couldn't in good conscience go out with that woman when I have an amazing one sitting next to me at the dinner table. She just gave birth and she's done everything in the household. She swept and washed floors, she did dishes, she put dishes away, she cooked, she fed her baby, she fed my baby, she tried to seduce me, she picked up all of our little beans clothes, and she rearranged the bedrooms. I tried to help but she told me she wanted to and that it was important to her to do those things alone. She felt bad so she tried to make up for it.
"Why not? You sounded excited." She mumbles sadly. She was trying to help me prepare for the date I had. In all reality I was meeting with some reps from a surrogacy company who are convinced they could conceive me a baby girl first try. As much as i wanted that meeting I realized that I do have a baby girl, and I won't ever look at her the same that I would've my own she still belongs to one of the greatest women I know and for that reason I will try to love her. "People think she's really nice, and she's squeaky clean too. She's never even gotten a parking ticket." I smile to myself at the fact that Mel researched the woman I was going out with.
"I'm going to try, I do not want to promise you anything other than the fact that I will try." I can't even force myself to say more. It hurts. I'm basically promising to love and care for Mark's baby without directly telling her I was going to try and love it.
"I missed you." She hums turning and throwing her arms around me. I missed her too, I missed this house, I missed all of this. Her head nuzzles so gently against my chest and soon she plants kisses wherever she can reach. "I'm glad she has a man like you in her life." My heart hurts at her words. I wish that for ten seconds we could not talk about her baby but I understand why she can't it's exciting to her. She carried around that little girl for eight months and now she's here. "You can teach her about true love." she smiles holding me closer, and closer. "You've made so many sacrifices for me and our family." She hopes for me to teach her daughter the same things. Love is the most powerful force in our family, it makes our decisions, it chooses how we live, and it decides how we look at things.
"I want a baby." I mumble staring down at the little girl who's eyes reopen at my remark. Ecstasy waddles in from the living room where we had him sleeping. He's so mesmerized by the baby that he wouldn't sleep. "Hello." I smile letting Mel, I needed an excuse. "Look at the baby." I smile lifting him up. He loves looking at the baby. He thinks it's amazing to see how immobile and little she is.
