Jimin
28 July YEAR 22
I was stuck in the practice studio again. It was late and the train stopped running. To be honest, I had waited for it to stop so I could practice alone and obsess over my imperfections. I was restless. I was scared. But it was something I wanted to do, and so I stayed in that room overnight.
Overtime, my fear in my heart began to evaporate. Only the fun air of dancing persisted. For the longest time, I believed that the weak, small, powerfless me I imagined was real. When I danced I could only think of my own weight or the length of my body or my speed or my strength. However, the me who danced wasn’t small nor weak. My stuttering movements became more fluid and I improved. I grew the way fingernails do. Slowly. I realized that I was actually an expressive person. I felt this way when I danced, like I was saying everything I couldn’t. When I started to dance I, for the first time, started to like myself.
Jimin
16 May YEAR 22
Hoseok hyung lived in a rooftop apartment at the end of a narrow alley. It was very high. When I visited the one room apartment he’d brag about how it was the highest room in the city. He bragged that he could see everything, every place, from his rooftop room. From the window we could see the trains and the train tracks and the containers. Namjoon hyung lived in one of those. If I moved my gaze down a little I could see the school we all used to attend.
After locating the school, I drew my gaze to the opposite side of the city. A line of apartments rested at the bottom of the mountain. There was my - no - my parent’s house. They were looking for me. When I ran away from the hospital without a word they were contacted. I didn’t have the confidence to face them. I couldn’t go home yet. That didn’t mean I wanted to return to the hospital, but I had nowhere to go and no money. Hyung had told me to follow him, and he lead me here - hyung’s house.
I looked back to the apartment buildings. I had to return eventually. I had to tell my parents I wasn’t going back to the hospital. I inhaled sharply and then slowly exhaled. It felt like the mere thought could trigger another seizure. I didn’t trust myself anywhere other than at the hospital. I could be rushed there again. I was so afraid. I couldn’t stand it.
Jimin
15 May YEAR 22
Hoseok hyung stood next to me when I opened my eyes. An all too familiar ceiling looked down at me with a familiar darkness. I tried to sit up, but he put his finger up to his lips. Everyone was sleeping. The room was quiet. Hyung offered me a new shirt, and jerked his head toward the exit of the hospital.
“We all came together.” He said that Namjoon hyung was keeping guard while Yoongi hyung was buying time talking with the nurses. Jungkook and Taehyung would meet us at the elevator. Hyung reached out a hand when he saw my confused expression. I was still in a daze.
I’d dreamed of the day I’d leave the hospital sometimes. I wanted to leave and see my friends so I could spend time with them and laugh and talk the way we did before, but now I didn’t know. Was it actually a good idea to leave? My parents hid me here and buried my existence. People whispered that I had a mental illness. I didn’t know if Hoseok hyung viewed me the same way. Maybe he thought I was strange. Maybe I made him uncomfortable.
“Come on. We’re running out of time.” The clock’s second hand sound seemed unconventionally fast because of hyung’s words. The sound of footsteps, like an auditory hallucination, came closer to the hospital room. Hyung and I looked toward the door and then at each other. He never let his hand leave me.
Taehyung
11 August YEAR 22
When I turned around, I discovered small letters written below the ‘X’ that spelled out short sentences. One said “It isn’t my fault.” It was her. I hadn’t seen her myself and I didn’t know her handwriting, but I knew. It seemed like a last goodbye, saying that it wasn’t my fault she left, saying that this didn’t happen because I was a bad person, saying that I shouldn’t blame or torment myself, saying that I should be brave.
