Silence

Chapter 41

           As I arrived to school ugly and talked with Ryan and Lena I decided to go find Dylan. I finally find him at his locker and I say hi to him.

"Hey Josie what's up" he says as we both awkwardly look at another.

"How's-"
"How's" we both say at the same time and laugh and look at each other again.

"You go first" I tell him.

"How have you been Josie I wanted to talk about what happened cause there's some tension I sense. Listen I didn't expect that to happen I mean I wanted it to but I didn't expect it but Josie I-" he begins to say when he's cut off by the first bell and I had to get to class early to talk to the teacher. I tell him goodbye and walk to my math teacher and asked her about my final grade of last semester.

"Let me see Josie it looks like you got  an 82 for the semester for this class" I felt happy cause it was better than a C. I could've done way better than that but for now it would do. I sat at my desk and waited for Lucy but she didn't show. The rest of class was boring these annoying smart kids kept calling out the answers. So I just stop trying to answer any of the questions. I walked to gym with Ryan and Scott apparently Scott was trying out for the basketball team.

           As I walked into the locker room I felt weird and ugly and fat and so I put Ryan's sweatshirt on. But I didn't want people to know so I took it off and would have to have people judge me and it made insecure. I spent Winter Break eating a lot of cookies and chocolate I probably gained 10 pounds. 

I needed to exercise and go on the treadmill again and take my rage out I hope I'd get another chance to fight Nina. I did get recognized by some hot senior dudes which I didn't mind but Ryan is my boyfriend and I'd pick him other them any day.

This was going to be a hard day due to me feeling insecure and low I didn't even want to jog during Gym so I hid in the bathroom. I just read some quotes I saved on my phone to feel better about myself.

           "Josie where were you I was worried?" Ryan said when the bell rang and we were walking to our next class. I lied and told him I was in the nurse and that I wasn't feeling good and he understood and gave me a small hug.

He was such a good guy that didn't deserve a girl like me that was going to ruin his life or worse. I just felt so ugly and fat out of the blue and it made me feel terrible and I knew I wasn't going to make it through the day. I then felt like I was out of breath there was no way I was going to have a panic attack in front of everyone especially Ryan.

I ran to the nearest bathroom and locked myself inside and fell to the ground I couldn't breathe or see. I tried to take deep breaths but I couldn't so I tried to take my own advice and touch the things around me. I touched my hair, shoes, jeans, and the bathroom stall and then broke down crying.

"Josie" I hear a voice and it's Dylan why was he in the girls' bathroom?

I slowly open the door and see him and my first response was to hug him. He looked at me and hugged me back and then I see a urinal.

Shit I was in the boys' bathroom. 

"How'd you find me?" I ask and he points to my bag that was outside the stall and I nod and try to force a laugh.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asks and I shrug and we end going to the abandoned classroom the same one where we had our first kiss. He sat on the window sill looking crazy cute in the vans I brought him wearing a green t shirt with black jeans. 

"So what happened?" he asks and I take a minute and then explain why I had a panic attack.

"It's dumb but it was because I looked at myself and all I saw was ugly and fat. I'm not skinny or beautiful like all the other girls at our school. I'm me and it's not ever going to be enough and I just couldn't handle it" I tell him and put my head down.

"Josie you are beautiful you might not see it but I do" he says and when he touches my arms they start shaking.

"I'm not I'll never be" I say and begin to cry again and I feel my breath shortening.

"Hey, hey, look at me, look at me. I know the pressure are overwhelming you. You just have to focus on one thing, okay?" he says and grabs my hands.

"No, I can't, I can't I-" I say but he cuts me off.

"This is just a stage another chapter of your life trust me I know this stage but you need to channel all that grieve and imperfections and look at yourself and see that you truly are beautiful inside and outside" he says and then I squeeze his hands and cry out. He hugs me and I hold onto to him and then after 10 or 15 minutes I let go.

"Are you okay?" he asks me but I shake my head.

"No. I'm not okay. But I'll get better." I tell him and get up grab my things and have my brother pick me up early. 

          Dylan was only trying to make me feel better but I basically turned him away he deserved better than me. They all deserve better than me I couldn't be the girl they all wanted me to be that girl wasn't me.