Bitter Sweet; Janiel Fanfiction

Ch. 20 (Last chapter)

I wake up to the sun shining in my face. The feeling of Daniel holding onto me is haunting me. Knowing that he isn't, and never will again.

I turn over in my bed to see Daniel laying besides me, smiling. I blink a few times and he is gone, like he was never there. My mind is playing tricks on me, again. I sigh greatly and pull myself out of the blankets. I sit at the edge of my bed, bent over with my elbows on my knees.

I turn to my nightstand, picking up a picture of him. His face has a smile ear to ear, looking down at me. My eyes are closed from laughing, my winter hat falling off of my head. Snow is falling around us, with my grandmas husky laying at our feet. Both of our cheeks are rosy and we are bundled up in winter coats. But, we are holding on to each other like we never wanted to let go. Now I realize, that I actually didn't.

"Vacation..." I mumble before setting the photo back down. I put my hands over my face and rub my eyes a little. I drag my hands along my face before setting them beside me.

I look around my room, memories of him wash over me. It's like we were just dancing, singing, having tickle fights, and cuddling yesterday. But it's been months. Four months to be exact.

You know how people say people can change you? Daniel has changed me for the best. He taught me how to find happiness in the small things in life. He told me not to cut myself up for doing something stupid, literally.

I quit smoking and drinking. Andrew and I don't fight anymore. I understand his side on our disagreements and I don't think I'm always right. My dad is around a lot more too. It seems like I'm happy, finally.

But, there is always going to be that piece of me that will always be with Daniel. He was that special thing that I thought wouldn't be torn away from me. It's kinda ironic because he saved me mentally and physically.

He put my life before his, knowing he'd die and that I'd live. And he was okay with that and somehow, I am too. Just knowing that someone loved and cared for me enough to save me, is one of the best and worst feelings in the world.

If I didn't pick a fight, stomp off, and get into trouble he'd still be by my side. If I wasn't being stupid he'd still be here. But I can't beat myself up about it, I can't do it anymore.

Yes Daniel has let me understand a lot more about life. That there is actually an outside world other than drugs, smoking, alcohol, sex, and partying, but he has also led me into that world. He took me on his little journey though his short life and I was left behind. He was my first boyfriend but hopefully not my last.

Waking up every morning with a pit of loneliness in my heart isn't right. Walking around high school, the hallways haunting me. His voice still lingers around everywhere I go. His face is just about everywhere I look. But now, right now, will be a new chapter in my life.

This morning, I woke up a little differently than I normally do. I accepted that life does actually go on. I still love him, I will always miss him, but I have accepted I'm better off not crying over his loss. So, I'm closing this chapter of hurt and loneliness because I deserve happiness. And the only way of getting that is letting go of his death and accepting that he is actually gone. Holding onto something will never make me stronger. Letting go will.

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Hey so I'm ending it here :)))

Fun fact: I wrote this way before the actual ending of the book. Like in May lmAo