basically where im at with life right now

10 2 1

by Keynikki

by Keynikki

yeah
i don't update bc i don't use Wattpad much anymore
k sorry for my angst but hey gotta update like once a year yknow?

i wanna fuckin die.

I'll be honest here, I basically gave up everything for my education, two years into high school.

My sport(I raced BMX)? I gave it up.
Chorus? I'm giving it up after this year.
Skateboarding and freestyle BMX? Gave up.
Polymer clay? Gave up.
Student government? I'm contemplating leaving.
Band and ROTC? I never joined, no matter how much I wanted to be in the classes.

My grades are mediocre as hell. Algebra II honors and English III as a sophomore, sophomore class president, 3.11 unweighted GPA(trying so hard to bring it up), online classes - my life is based around school. I gave up and I'm giving up the hobbies and the things I love because I'm so focused on school and scholarships for my PhD in biomedical engineering for when I go to college.

Call me a pussy but it really fucking sucks. All this causes is a mental breakdown because I did poorly(which is an 80 or lower for me) on homework, a quiz, test, etc. Because I'm exhausted at 730pm on the weekend because I have to do 3-5 assignments weekly on my multiple online classes, I wake up for school at 530am, with my schoolwork piling on top of everything and I can never do the things I love anymore. It just sucks. I'll get through it until I graduate university with my PhD. But till now I'm just a zombie - no social life, no football games, no keg parties in the forest at 1am. Especially hard when you have an undiagnosed mental health disorder(in my case, PTSD from past abuse), a single mom who gets no child support, and a mentally abusive brother.

I'm dead inside. All the "i wanna kill myself" and "im dead inside" jokes I make irl - shit, I'm telling the fucking truth.

But hey I might come out to my mom(AS BI, NOT GAY, BC I WANNA LIKE NOT BE LIKE "HEY IM FULLY FUCKING GAY JUST LIKE YOUR DOG SO NOW YOU RAISE TWO GAYS") on November 5th aka Delila(my gf) and mine's anniversary kek

So yeah how's life treating u guys