Drama Llamas | Phan

6- Depression

- D.H -

Bundling up feelings is never a good idea, because eventually, it will all spill out - and when it does, you'll feel like crap. Sometimes you'll wake up in the morning - and feel nothing - have no motivation to do anything then have some existential crisis. Sometimes life will just decide that it would be a great time to slap you round the face with a hand of reality, reminding you of invetitable death and how you have zero impact on the world around you. Though some mornings, you won't wake up with simple thoughts just as these.

Sometimes you'll wake up and remember all you're mistakes - all the flaws and faults that you have, making you desperate to just disguise the truth - hide it and let it crack - breaking down into a million shattered unfixable peices till there is no going back, till your scarred and things become much more serious than normal pessimistic thoughts or opinions. This is depression - atleast my form. Waking up in the morning with no motivation too move, no emotion and no desire to live at that moment - self deprecating thoughts filling your mind.

That is what I deal with on a regular basis. Though one cruicial rule you have to follow at all the time is nobody can know how bad it is getting. You have too keep a smile on for the people around you - you can never let them down, being even more of the unreliable failure than you already are, if that's even possible. Even in the worst moments, you cannot tell people the truth. Letting them know would make them worry and you wouldn't want to be the cause of distress and anxiety, would you? You weren't worth people caring about you.

I'm not worth people caring about me. So that's why I won't answer the door. 

Staring at my reflection in the glass, I can spot all the faults in my face - there's too many too count. There's large bags under my eyes, as if I hadn't had sleep in weeks. My hair is messy, regardless of my feeble attempt to straighten it in the morning - a curl still somehow managed to slip through. I reach forwards, feeling the familiar edge of the straightener, still plugged in, but turned off, however, as I pull it upwards, I stop myself. There was no point. I'd just be wasting electricity. It's not like anybody is seeing me right now anyway.

Well of course, apart from Louise, who'd been frantically banging on my door for the last two hours. I felt bad, but not for not answering, but because she'd had to find out and begin to get worried about me. I hated it. I caused this panic she is now experiencing, but if she'd never met up with me, she would never be going through this. Louise'd still be the positive bundle of fun she usually is. However, now she's in floods of tears, hysterically calling out my name from behind a locked door. If I wasn't here, this never would've happened.

I really don't want it too happen again. I don't want to have to face her - or anybody for that matter.

I didn't have to go onto any of my emails or online things to know that I'd probably lost my job and I would be surprised if my face hadn't been broadcasted all over the news yet because people these days can't mind their own fucking business. In the end though, I struggled to find any motivation too care. I just wanted it all to end. Everybody to just stop what they were doing for a bit, whilst I took that time to think. Though, I'm pretty sure I've done all the thinking I need. I know what my next move is and I'm positive it'll be the right one and what's best for me.

I need to go outside. I need to end my life, but I can't. Because Louise is still at the door - so I'll have to wait. Like I have been for the past twelve hours since I decided on what my next action was. I lay on my stomach, facing the ceiling in anticipation, wondering when Louise would finally leave me alone to start doing whatever I needed to do. However, as I pondered my thoughts on my uncomfortable carpet, I realised that I had much more to do till I should end it all. I guess I'll turn the last page tomorrow. I'm sure the world wouldn't mind waiting a few hours extra. Why?

I needed to write a suicide note and say goodbye.

(NOTE:

PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME TO WATCH THE VIDEO ATTACHED. IT'S ONLY UNDER A MINUTE LONG.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT IF YOU EVER FEEL THIS WAY AND HAVE ANY THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, THERE ARE MANY CHILD LINES AVAILABLE TO TALK TOO. NEVER BOTTLE ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN AND DON'T BE SCARED TO TALK TOO RELATIVES AND FRIENDS ABOUT YOU'RE EXPERIANCES. ALSO, IF YOU WANT TO SHARE YOUR STORY IN THE COMMENTS, FEEL FREE BECAUSE MAYBE IT WILL HELP SOMEBODY OUT THERE. REMEMBER: YOU ARE LOVED. "HAVE THE COURAGE TO EXIST".

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT FOR THIS STORY. HAVE A BRILLIANT DAY.)