Drama Llamas | Phan

27- I'm Sorry

-D.H-

My stomach dropped, I was probably paler than Phil himself right now if that was even possible. I was struggling to grasp what had just happened as I heard the front door slam. I stared blankly at the space where Phil had just been sitting a few seconds ago - and before I knew it, a few seconds turned into minutes, which became an hour much too quickly than I would've liked. My mouth was dry, a twisted taste left there from the pleads I'd used to beg Phil too stay, however it was all in vain, for Phil had left anyway. I cast my thoughts back too the moment - It had all been so relaxed, so happy after the overwhelming support Phil had gained on his recent tweets. I'd been so peaceful - so blissfully unaware of what was yet to come; and now, I was alone too my own devices once more. I honestly had forgotten about the whole Alfie threat thing.

I cursed myself for not considering his reaction. I should've known this would've happened. I should've prepared in advance so Phil wouldn't be shocked. I could've explained first and maybe Phil would still be here right now, hopefully with me forgiven for breaking our promise. No, I shouldn't be stupid. He wouldn't be here even if I'd told him myself, he just would've left earlier - realising earlier that I was a hopeless case and not worth sticking around for. I wasn't worth Phil's time. I was a terrible friend - something now proven in this situation that we'd been put in - no, that I'd put us in. This whole thing was my fault. If I'd just done what Phil had asked me too do, this whole situation would be totally different. I'd heard from Chris and the others how highly Louise had spoken of me before - and how they agreed about everything that she had said.

I disagree though. I'm not wise. I'm not thoughtful. I'm just stupid and a complete idiot. I should never of interfered in something Phil had clearly not wanted me to interfere in and now this was the results of my mistake. However, this was not the first time I'd fucked up like this. The thing was, this has happened more times than I can remember. Times I'd interfered with things Louise didn't want me too. On the Radio, if we were getting less listeners at a particular time before me, I would interfere by coming early too try and help - however in the end that would just make the DJ before me feel like they weren't good enough when in reality the producer and most of the people there preferred them over me and it was then all my fault that they were in a bad mood. There had been more times like this before as well, a countless number of situations where I had been somewhere I wasn't needed and therefore caused negative repercussions.

I'm not wise - not thoughtful at all. I never think things through - I have no filter what so ever and constantly blurt out what's on my mind and immediately regret it afterwards. The advice I give is shit and mostly just quotes I'd stolen of the TV or something and modified slightly which overall had just made it worse. This whole new problem I'd caused between Phil and I was just yet another one of my many fuck ups. It was up too me to fix it. Though, was it really best to fix it anyway? Phil is better of without me. All I do is cause problems for him and inconvenience him in ways he'll insist aren't true, but deep down will know that they are. Phil is just too kind to admit that he doesn't need me. He's too caring to understand all I'm doing is dragging him down. Phil is that type of person - which is great, don't get me wrong. He just doesn't understand that sometimes it's not worth being like that too certain people, like me. 

Even if this whole thing gets fixed and Phil comes back again, I'm certain that something along these lines will just happen again - and all because of yet another one of my fuck ups. If Phil just left me now, if things were left unfixed after this, Phil wouldn't have too go through that. He could live his life without the constant fights between the two of us because I'd done something stupid again. Same for Louise, I mean just look at what happened when should found out about... You know. Louise was heart-broken, but if she just left me she wouldn't have too go through that ever again. Why don't either of them understand that it would be for the best if they both left me? I don't understand their reasoning for staying around, I mean, all I'm doing is dragging them down. They'd be so much happier, feel so much more care-free if they just left me behind and moved on. So what was holding them back?