Haz and Mel

Chapter 10: Explanations

‘It’s not easy, you know…’ Harry started. ‘Everyone always thinks being a singer or an actor is awesome. You get a lot of money, everybody knows you, you get to have a glamorous life. Everyone wants it.’ He sighed. I sat on his bed and he was walking in the room. I considered telling him he should sit down, but I figured it wasn’t easy for him to tell this so maybe it was his way to handle the nerves he had about it. ‘I started just like everyone else, thinking it was the best job in the world. And it is… It is the best job. But you need to have character for it. You need to be confident enough with yourself to handle the fame. And I never was that kind of person. I am still not.’ This surprised me in a way. He seems like the ideal celebrity, at least for paparazzi and media. Not so much for fans.

‘You seem like that kind of person, Harry. I don’t know if you know but you come off as really confident and strong about all this.’ I said to him and he nodded with every word I said and when I finished he answered immediately.

‘And that’s why people underestimate my acting skills, Mel. The reason I look confident, is the explanation why I’m not.’ He said.

‘I don’t get it…’ And it was true. I felt a bit stupid. He wasn’t even fully started yet, and I couldn’t follow anymore already.

He chuckled nervously, looking at me while raising an eyebrow. ‘I’m trying to explain this to you. I’m not done yet!’ He smiled. I nodded understandingly and raised my hand to tell him to keep going. So he went on. ‘When we were breaking through all over the world, it was mind blowing. Everybody started having opinions about me, about the boys. And somehow the boys were able to handle it perfectly fine. But I was struggling.’ He paused for a second, to find the right words. ‘You have no idea… How much hate I read about myself, Mel. Hate from people who I never even spoke too. Hate from magazines about things I did. Hate from stupid bloggers or hosts from TV shows. And maybe people don’t classify everything as ‘hate’ but I do… From the moment people assume things about me that are not true, it’s hate for me. And I can’t handle that. I can’t cope with it.’ His voice was on the edge of breaking and I couldn’t help but look worriedly at him. I was worried about him. This was not something I expected him to feel. And it hurt me, knowing he was hurting. He didn’t stop anymore. He just kept talking and I listened. ‘And it wasn’t really a certain moment I decided to act differently. I just rolled into it, I think. I started acting like what they were expecting from me. I gave them what they wanted. I posed for pictures, I was friendly to hosts and people on radios. I just wanted them to talk nice about me in their shows and magazines. So I started concentrating on that, more than on my actual job and the boys… And the fans.’

Everything he said, started to sound like logic. I took in every word and tried to process it. I was changing the image I already had from him. ‘Somewhere along the line I started to have contact with different other celebrities. They would take me to parties and places where there was a lot of media or paparazzi. I started to feel satisfied with the feeling of being photographed. It was even more satisfying to me than making a song or spending an evening with the lads. I was starting to achieve everything I wanted in life: not caring about what people said about me, except for the media. Because that’s where I fooled myself. I didn’t want anyone to talk bad about me, but now the fans, the boys, management and complete strangers like you had this horrible image of me. And I didn’t even realize any of it… until you came along.’ The tone in his voice changed when he mentioned me. He made it sound like a good thing. He made it sound like the moment everything started to change again. ‘I was furious when I heard they decided to give me a fake girlfriend. I liked my life. I liked the partying. I liked being able to stand alone in the picture. And now I needed to share it with you. I know it’s stupid, but I was actually afraid you would be one of those girls who would try to steal the attention from me.’ He chuckled at his own words. ‘Turns out you’re the opposite.’ He added when his eyes met mine. ‘I forgot… You know. I forgot something really important and you showed it to me on our first date. I forgot about the fans. I forgot about those little girls who watch us or wait for us to have an autograph. And when I signed her little paper I realized I haven’t placed any autograph or taken a picture with fans for such a long time. It was like they weren’t there at all, and you showed me they were.’ His voice sounded thankful and his eyes said the same while he was looking at me. I remembered that day and I remembered how his voice softened when he talked to the girls. I remembered how much I loved that side of Harry Styles. ‘It’s like I said earlier. You remind me of myself when I was new to this. And somehow I grew very protective over you. I just … I don’t want you to go through the same thing as me. You’re too pure, too good for that. And that feeling grew only stronger when you told me you didn’t want to get paid. Mel, that just blew me away.’ He still seemed like he couldn’t believe that fact. ‘And I have to admit, that that’s the reason why I started, kind of, liking you. That’s why I started dreading the paparazzi, something I haven’t had in a really long time. And that’s it. You changed that. When I heard the asshole saying that stuff to you, on the red carpet of the party. It felt like they personally harassed me in some way. And I don’t know why I feel that way over you. I just do.’ Finally he sat himself down on the bed, just in front of me.