I Can't Fight This Feeling - Jeffrey Dean Morgan Fanfic 18+

Chapter 10 - Confrontation

Chapter 10 – Confrontation.

A few hours later;

Emily Sanders...

I can feel my stomach rolling and wrapping around my bowel. Am I hungry? Or am I just thirsty? I'm trying to ignore the sinking feeling of my heart – honestly, this feeling has more to do with staying in Jeffrey's house than whether or not I am thirsty or hungry. I just simply do not want to address that fact. I have to admit that I really should have just insisted on going home to my own house....my big and empty house, where I have been alone every night since my dad died and just for one night, I didn't want to have to be there alone but it was, now, a decision that I regret.

The man is asleep just down the hallway – he has never felt so far but still so close at the same time before. I don't want to want him. I keep telling myself that I just don't want him but in the deepest corner of my mind; I have a little voice whispering – 'you do want him, much more than you are prepared to admit, even to yourself!'

What hurt more than anything – is that I can't even tell my best friends of what and how I am feeling. I want to tell them, I want to confide in them; but they are his daughters; telling them would cause a rift between us and I could end up losing them as my friends. I can't lose them. I can't ever admit to them that I am into their father, and that, I have a feeling that he feels something for me too.

No, my friends are more important then ever to me – whatever I am feeling for Jeffrey; I have to bury it. Now.

Tonight, had been one of the best night outs I have had in the longest of times. I had fun with Ivan.... finally. We had always had this 'thing' this 'flirtship', as my girls called it, nothing had ever happened due to bad timing but tonight; it had clicked but was just sex and right now I am more than ok with that. I had never wanted it to be more than sex – even when we had been flirting, there wasn't anything about him that screamed long term prospect to me. The man had way too many issues and, of course, there was the addiction he was currently in rehab for – I can't, I don't have the time to deal with all of that.

It was the first night in a long time that I had stored my dad away in my mind; not to mention it was also the first night in a long time that I had been able to stop thinking about Jeffrey for a couple of hours. That hadn't happened in the past few days; well since we had our 'almost' moment. I do still want to talk to him about that but; he had made it clear that I was not a priority and that meant I had to lock my heart back up and swallow the key; that way I can't get hurt again. It is the only way to know that my heart is protected, that it is secure and safe.

"So, Ivan?" Paige asked from the bed where she was lying.

"Yeah," I couldn't help but smile – I may not want a relationship with the man, but he was a great lay.

"How was it?"

"It was good.... he was really good," my head turned on my pillow to look at her and smiled, "it's been a while since I have had sex, and I have to admit that I needed it, I needed to work off that stress and grief that I had been bottling up,"

"Honey, you know that you don't have to bottle it up around us, right?"

"I do but doing that means admitting that its real; that he has really gone and I.... I just don't.... I'm not ready to admit that he is.... gone forever, you know?"

"I hear you honey," she replied.

A part of me wants to scream that she doesn't understand, that she has no idea of the weight that is threatening to pull me under, no idea that I feel guilty all the time, that I can't even bring myself to admit that he is really dead and I hate that I am feeling that way – because, at the end of the day, these people are my friends, they are my family, I have grown up with them and spent holidays with them. I just feel so completely lost and I don't know how to fix that feeling.