I Can't Fight This Feeling - Jeffrey Dean Morgan Fanfic 18+

Chapter 12 - Can't Fight it.

Chapter 12 – Can't Fight It.

A few days later;

Emily Sanders...

Busying myself by; closing the window shutters all over the house, candles were lit only in my room, I was using a lantern to get the things done; I had put provisions up into the panic room, should I need it, my laptop was charged up and I had some music ready to listen to if it gets too difficult to drag my attention from the noises around the house. The weather report had advised everyone to basically, baton down the hatches, with plenty of supplies – so I had made a supermarket run to get plenty of water and food, and batteries. When I had gotten home, I had gone outside and moved everything that wasn't held down to the decking, and put it all in the garage. I couldn't be more prepared than I am now.

This is the first storm that I have ever been in, by myself, and I am terrified – I don't want to be here alone. When my dad was here – he'd get all the essentials; water, food, candles and novelty style fairy lights and we would go down into the basement where dad had worked relentlessly to turn it into a games room and cinema room.

However, I just couldn't do the tradition that I did with my dad; it is just too painful and a huge reminder that he isn't here anymore. So instead – I am going to get upstairs into my room, crawl into bed with the panic room door open just in case.

I have never lived alone – and this house is ridiculously large even when dad was here, let alone me being here alone. I had spent yesterday looking at much smaller homes, which meant that I would have to sell this house – but that is going to have to wait because I am just not ready; this house is the very last place in the world where I had endless memories. I feel so lost and so alone, which is utterly stupid because I have my girls and I have Jeff.

I mean I think that I have Jeff. I am still very confused about what is going on with us. I haven't seen or heard from him since that night in his kitchen. I can't help but wonder if he had confessed every detail to his ex-wife! Or, my worst nightmare – they had decided to give their marriage another shot. The thought of him with another woman – makes my heart hurt. At the end of the day; he doesn't owe me anything. We are not a couple and we hadn't even kissed, a few almost moments, but definitely not flesh on flesh contact. That last moment was the one where his ex-wife walked into the kitchen – I can't help but wonder what had been about to happen; would we have kissed? Would it have led to more than just kissing? I have gone over all the possible scenarios in my head and fuck me; I wish that woman had not walked into the kitchen at that time. I do feel shitty about the way I had treated him when I had no idea was happening with Lizzy. I mean the woman was bat-shit-crazy, but she has one thing that I don't – history!

How am I meant to compete with that? Lizzy is the girl's mom and Jeff loves his girls more than anything or anyone – what if he decides that he needs to give his marriage one last go? Just the thought of that; had my stomach twisting into a painful knot. I can't help overthinking everything – that is just who I am. I am my own worst enemy; my mind will draw up the worst scenario and convince myself; of the very worse scenario, and that is how the whole situation will work out. I guess you could say that I am a pessimist.

I just can't keep waiting for him to make up his mind; it's just not good for me – maybe I should just give up on him now; take the decision into my own hands. At least that means I'd have my dignity intact. Like my dad – I don't beg for anyone or anything – you want to walk away? Hold on for a second.... I will hold the door open for you. If I feel like someone is taking liberties with me – I walk away without saying a word. However, this time its Jeffrey and my resolve is almost translucent with him. I am in real trouble, and I have no one to talk to about it all. My diaries should have been renamed the Jeffrey Chronicles – writing about him was really my only way to release. I really do hate the fact that I don't have anyone to talk too – it's not that I don't have other friends; it's just that, I don't trust any of them enough with such a delicate secret.