I feel bad for unleashing all of that on Tamar seeing as her marriage with Vince is getting worse.
Everything has gone to shit and I'm honestly not ready to deal with all of this. I've just been working on my dance show Hit The Floor while I am Tiana is being edited. I'm happy to be done with that filming life because I'm not too comfortable having cameras following me everyday.
I didn't lie when I spoke to my mom, I do hate myself. I can't change how I feel right now but I can work towards loving myself, sometimes being in the spotlight makes it harder. I wasn't with my mom for almost 10 years, so I've been spending the past 2 years trying to get to know her again but now things are going down the drain for her.
I can't keep pretending to be happy but I have to be strong.
Somedays I don't want to be me.
I don't want to be her.
I don't want to be Tamar Braxton's Daughter.
---
"SMILE!"
"TAMAR LOOK OVER HERE!"
"TONI! TIANA!"
"FACE ME!"
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"PRETTYMUCH!" I turn to see that PrettyMuch are walking down the carpet, sporting interesting clothing choices but eh, that's them.
"Tiana, you not gonna say hi to your new man." My mom taunts and I roll my eyes.
"Tiana is dating someone new?" Toni gives me a look.
"New year, new man." I purse my lips at my mom cause that was petty as fuck.
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I lock eyes with Zion who gives me a brief wink which no one catches, I return it with a tight smile before turning to head inside with my mom and aunt.
I spot a load of influential people in the room and I suddenly feel sick to my stomach after spotting Valentin at one of the tables.
"I don't want to be here." I confess to my mom as we take our seats.
"What do you mean?"
She gives me a look of concern as I bite my lip to prevent the tears from falling.
"I can't do this anymore, mom." I state. "I can't be famous anymore, I can't do this life anymore and I don't want to fall in love anymore."
"Tiana, what has brought this on?"
"I feel so many emotions for so many people, mom. I don't know what to love is and I don't know if I like people. Before Val i was never allowed to even have any type of interests in anyone and dad made sure of that." I scratch my forehead. "I feel so exposed and I don't want to hurt Zion by progressing with things then moving onto the next person that shows me interest."
"What's going on?" Toni says as she makes her way over to her seat.
"Nothing." I say as I wipe away the stray tear.
"No, that's not nothing Ti." My mom says as she gets up, she grabs my arm before pulling me up. I'm aware of the many eyes watching as we begin to walk away which is at a bad moment seeing as the show has just started.
"Where are you going?" Toni asks and Tamar turns back to face her.
"To help my daughter."
---
Once we left Tamar had us flown back to Atlanta, she took us to over to Miss E's place. She never spoke as she undressed me and led me to the bath that she had set up. I got inside and looked at her as she began to bathe me.
"If you need out then I will get you out." She begins to rub my back as I say nothing. "Oh God."
She chucks the flannel to the side as she cries to herself.
"Don't cry, mama." I softly say to her as I touch her arm, she's practically sobbing at this point and I feel nothing.
I just feel blank.
"God, you are so broken and I've made it worse. Having you on the show, taking you away on these trips and award shows. That was wrong of me and God, I apologise." She gets on her knees while facing me. "Baby girl, I am sorry. I need you to forgive me for being a selfish mother, for not being there in ways that you needed me too be."
"You don't have to apologise." I blandly state as she begs before me. "You did what you knew and you've been amazing. You've been an amazing mama and it's just unfortunate that you have a child like me."
"I can never forgive myself for hurting you." She continues as she kisses my hand. "Please forgive me."
"I forgive you." She cries even more and I even find myself being reduced to tears.
I look at the fading scars scattered across my body, I suddenly feel disgusted myself and I slid lower into the water. I sigh as I lose focus of my body, the body that I've grown to hate.
"How do you feel in Atlanta?" My mother finally asks and I turn to face her.
"I don't like it." I say with the shrug of the shoulders. "It's ok but everyone knows of you guys. Even though we have family close, nobody really comes to see us. I thought having my aunts and cousins back in my life would be amazing but we don't even talk. I have yet to see any of them come here or even call me."
Tamar takes in what I say before responding.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Nowhere." I reply as I begin to slowly slid my body underwater, "I don't want to go nowhere at all."
