Paul Withers' Gay Diary

July 23 2018

Another day of trying to interact with Drake. I didn't see him much for the past few days and I think its for the pageant he's gonna compete in. Those good looks and charm do need to be shared with tons of people and he has the confidence and charisma to do these things too since he's a theater arts student.He's gonna do well. 

I think we're gonna watch him compete after lunch so that's gonna be a BLAST....NOT. I actually think he might win idk for some reason.

Ok so I got really depressed when I was watching him for some reason. I think its because I was thinking stupid shiz while I was watching him...things like "Wow he's so attractive, I could never deserve him at all" or "At this rate, idk when I'll have a lovelife...look how more attractive these people are...I'll never get on their level"...I KNOW ITS STUPID, to whoever is reading this, PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT ME.

I walked out to go outside and have some fresh air cause that's how much I was falling into some "I'm insecure" moments and depressing flashbacks again.  ACTUALLY...FUN FACT: 

I have a broken family. My dad left us when I was ten, since then everything was a bumpy ride and I didn't really know how to handle it since I was so young at the time. Back then I was a friggin WARFREAK...like I would even throw chairs at people and have like crazy tantrums. It was my crazy dark past. But things had changed, my dad got nicer and he still loves us. He comes to our apartment every Saturday for some "family bonding time". Everything's good on the family aspect in my life.

I still need to figure myself out though...there are times where I get depressed just because I get really insecure moments when I space out (I hope you know what I mean), but I still try my best to smile...I always believe that everything comes to a happy ending, so I guess that 'ups' my hopes of staying positive :). A lot of people get mad at me for being insecure but, I just can't help it...you know? Its like, every time I see someone, my mindset is that he/she is better than me. I know, I'm stupid AGAIN, but really there are times when you just can't help but to feel that way cause we're all human...right? No? I won't hear your answer anyway so its useless haha.

Anyways so it was almost dismissal and I was still wondering if he ever read that letter that I gave him on his birthday, It's been days after it happened but I still think about it. Idk man Drake is different, I never liked someone that made me so confused and mad and depressed HAHA. Oh yeah, also, just when i arrived to school this morning...Yeezy and Gucci found ANOTHER way to make me feel worse...at first they were like looking at each other like they were hesitant to say what they wanted to say to me,and I don't like that kind of stuff cause I like it straight to the point and just friggin say it! So they finally had the guts to say it:

Yeezy: So Paul, don't be mad ok? We're gonna tell you something.                                                    

Gucci: Remember when our squad was going home together?                                                                  

Me: Yeah why?                                                                                                                                                              

Gucci: Well, Drake and his best friend were behind us right? 

Me: Mhmmm go on...

Yeezy: We kind of overheard their conversation.

Me: Really? What did they say?

OKAY PAUSE...me being the "hopeless romantic" was hoping that they overheard Drake and his best friend talking about me. SPOILER ALERT!! It wasn't about me SIS. OKAY CONTINUE

Yeezy: They were talking about me.

Gucci: Drake was asking his best friend who the girl in the aesthetic clothes was. 

Yeezy: Which was me.

Gucci: Then Drake's best friend said Yeezy's name.

Yeezy: I hope you're not mad or anything.

Conversation over...tbh I wasn't mad at all, Yeezy's one of the prettiest girls in school and its hard to not notice her. BUT SIS I was mad cause they just told me this now and not right after they overheard the conversation that day, but I can't blame them cause I'm hard to approach when it comes to things like that. Anyways they said that this morning and things about drake start piling up in my mind and I don't know how to stop it. SOMEONE HELP. This is what I hate about myself, whenever I get a crush, I get REALLY attached to them even though they don't know me...so it hurts a lot when the time comes that i get rejected. I'm really proud of myself too...Drake was my very first heterosexual crush. So I already know that I don't have a chance at all, not even 0.00001 percent. 

Wow, I said a lot today...It was a boring read for you I guess but I have a story that'll knock your socks off to whoever has the time to read my bullshiz. HAHA see ya diary<3