Paul Withers' Gay Diary

Sad Flashbacks

Ok so remember my promise that I'll give you a story that'll knock your socks off? 

WELL SISTER KEEPS HER PROMISES...

OKAY so there's another reason why I liked Drake and its not just because of what I said in my recent 'writings'. 

It's because of the person I loved the most and the person who means the whole world to me...my past boyfriend. Its a long story, so that's why I wanted it to put it on one whole chapter on my diary. So I met him in an online, "find friends" app and I was a shy person at the time so I'm usually really really nervous when I try to talk to some stranger from the other side of the world. I saw his photo and he looked sooooooo cuuute, so I tried to say hi and I didn't really expect that he would reply but I was SHOOK that he did! He was Korean so I didn't really know if he would understand me but it turns out he did, and we had such a nice conversation :). I even asked him if I should call him "hyung" since he was older, and in Korean culture, if you're a guy and you have a male friend that's older than you, you should call him "hyung" as a sign of respect. So when I asked him if I should call him that, all he said was "Aww sure...so cute:)". 

I was like WAAH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? NOBODY USUALLY SAYS I'M CUTE CAUSE I LOOK LIKE AN ACTUAL GOBLIN...so I was really flustered and was blushing...UwU. He was the nicest online friend I had in the whole world, and that says a lot cause I have a lot of online friends. Me and him would talk to each other everyday and it would always make my day feel so special and happy. Even though we had different time zones, we still managed to take time and talk. Most of the time I would even stay up til' 2 or 3 am just to talk to him for hours cause I always cherish those sweet long talks..even the super short talks are very meaningful to me. We've been talking for 2 months then the next thing you know, we were in a relationship!

After that happened every moment with him felt sweeter and sweeter. Its like every time we talk I'm like sitting on the clouds with him and talking to each other. He's humble, sweet, intelligent and protective<3. I was always there for him at times when he needed me a lot and he did the same thing to me. It was actually the best experience I ever had to be honest...I love him so much that I would die for him. I'M SERIOUS SIS like its really hard to just explain it in words how much he means to me cause no one can compare to him. He's like a big brother/boyfriend/BFF for life...but as always, things like this don't always end up happy for me. 4 months into our relationship, he started telling me about how sad he was and how much he was depressed. Of course I couldn't do anything but to cheer him up with words or call him and give him advice and make him happy as much as I can, but obviously it didn't have much effect cause we were far from each other. He's a Korean studying in France, and I'm in the other side of the friggin world. His depression came to a point wherein he would even do suicide attempts...yeah he did a lot of attempts. Sometimes I think if only I had enough money to at least go there and make a bigger difference for him, I would always stay by his side and be his pillow when he needs to rest. I'd offer him to lean on me when he wants to sleep, I'd be his crying shoulder whenever he felt sad, but I couldn't do that. No matter how hard I would try I can't go to the other side of the earth just to see him. March 2018...he sent me a photo of him in the hospital saying that he tried to attempt suicide again...at this rate I was crying and suffering cause I felt like such a dick that I couldn't be there for him, physically, when he sent the photo my heart stopped and everything was dark around me, I offered to call him but it was choppy and we couldn't understand each other. I felt like my hold world was breaking apart, so I tried my best to sway him with my words,sentences and paragraphs... but words, sentences, paragraphs, can only do so much. A day later I thought I could still send him a "good morning hyung! Hope you're doing fine:)" but I was too late...his big brother called me through his account that he's gone and he couldn't make it. That day was full of sobbing and sadness and grief. 

"We loved each other so much." I said to his brother while crying on the phone. 

"He said that you were the best thing he never knew he needed" 

I smiled for a bit cause even if he was at the brink of death when he said it, he still managed to reference a NE-YO song<3. 

"He promised you a jacket right?" his brother asked.

Yeah...I remember the time that we told each other's addresses so that he could send me an aesthetic jacket from his closet. And i promised him to send him a special bunny plushie that he really liked. 

"Yeah...he did."

"Don't worry he'll still give it to you, my lil' bro always keeps his promises."

"Thank you so much, if only I the chance to say 'i love you' one last time."

"Paul, he already knows you love him."

We talked for awhile, I told his brother how much he loved me to the point, that he even offered to marry me in the future...haha. If only there was a possibility that it could happen, its sad to say that there's no possibility at all. He made me feel like the happiest little boy ever. If i would write more about how we loved each other, I could write an ACTUAL NOVEL. Those 4 months loving him him felt like 4 years. If ever I had the time to write more about him, I'll try my best to tell you funny stories about him this time. I'm sorry if today's 'diary input' was kinda sad haha but for now I'll take the time to say this:

Kimho, if you're reading this (well obviously you're not cause you're dead) I want you to know that I LOVE YOU, and I would take a bullet for you<3 you mean so much to me and I miss you so much. Have fun in gay heaven sweetie<3

-Love Paul :)

side note: I would recommend Kimho's favorite song, it's a song that I shred with him and he dedicated that song to the both of us...the song is "Without You by Moira dela Torre and AJ Rafael" its a song that i think you guys (the people who actually read my diary) would really like! So yeah that ends this chapter for my diary. I promise that I'll spill some happy tea next time :)