time didn't mean anything, it never did in moments when all that surrounded you was nothing but yourself. and sometimes, you had someone else in those moments.
i made sanha look up straight as he kept wanting to look down. this anxiety attack was far longer than i wanted it to be.
not knowing what else to do, i remembered how kids are always consoled when they are crying.
i quickly hug him, wrapping my arms around his back and caressing him slowly, even though he doesn't return the hug.
"Shh, it's okay. It's gonna be okay."
i begin humming, pressing my head against his own and his breathing starts to go back to normal, very slowly, too slow.
his head falls onto the crook of my neck, as his hands wrap around me, hands clinging onto my shirt for dear life. his sniffles let me know he is still crying which worries me.
why is he crying still? why did he have an anxiety attack all of the sudden?
all his anxiety, his worries, his fears, his doubts and a sudden big emotion of self hate began transmitting itself through me, spreading like a wildfire as my own eyes began tearing up to put out the flames.
my dear, what's wrong?
"Sanha it's okay. I'm here with you."
he quickly pulled away and shook his head, as he attempted to wipe the tears away.
"I-I'm sorry. I d-din't mean t-to cause a scene a-at the restaurant. I-I didn't m-mean to."
"Hey it's okay—"
"It's not!"
he sniffled and brought both his hands to his face, sleeves being tear stained, snot filled most likely.
i finally mustered up some confidence and grabbed onto his elbows, pulling his arms down.
that tear stained face, those glistening eyes, that wobbly bottom lip— it had me at my tipping point.
"It is okay. Who cares that we got kicked out? We were just living life man!"
he shook his head and pointed at his chest, digging his finger through his layers.
"That wasn't me. I-I-I'm not like t-that. I don't h-have the co-courage to do stu-stuff like that. It's because... because I didn't take my pills."
i shook my head and grabbed onto his face. making him face me instead of the ground.
"Look at me Sanha. You forgot. Perfectly normal to forget things. You causing a food fight? Sure it ticked me off a bit, but it was damn funny how that tomato landed on that old lady's soup. It is you. You have the courage to do anything. Want to know why?"
he sniffed before slowly nodding.
"Because you're the guy that kept calling himself my boyfriend before we even went on a date. You're the guy that kept being flirty and cocky on our first meetings. You're the guy that even with the cutest dorky face, could make me blush and all flustered in seconds. You do have the courage. And that's what makes me want to be your girlfriend every day."
sanha sniffled his last tear before wiping his face with the sleeves of his coat.
"Is that t-the only reason you are with me? Don't you... pity me?"
i shook my head, smiling as i took his face onto my hands again.
"Sanha I... I am with you for everything that is you. Not because I pity you. I admire you. Your optimism, your view of life, the way you take in everything around you, the way you listen, your stories, your virtues..."
the words formed themselves in my head and they traveled down to my mouth. this time i had power over them as they became too heavy to swallow back up.
"They all are the reason why I love you."
sanha's eyes only blinked, probably in disbelief. he looked down at his hands and shook his head.
"Nari... you can't love me..."
"I know it may be too soon I just..."
he shook his head again and smiled as he looked up at me. he sniffled and placed his forehead against mine.
"You can't love me before I say I love you first."
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