LOVING FIERCELY

4

I crawled into the couch by the window in my room. Holding my mug close, i allowed the warm vapor from the hot chocolate hit my chin. The rain was deaf to pleadings as it been raining for the past two day. The empty wet street made me remember my childhood clearly.
My friends would say, "Oh Felicia, your lucky.. your father was so well to do. No wonder you ended up so successful".
Those words pierced the remaining piece of my heart. No one knew the trouble my mother went through to meet the expectations people had. I went to the best school, wore the best clothes, had the best of everything that would make me stand out. I would wake up in the middle of the night and hear my mother crying. Although she tried to be silent, her sobbing heart called for a warm shoulder. Child support?......I would be lucky if i would say that those did not come after my mother challenged my father to court. He paid them alright but he did not pay without a fight with my mother, every month the money came with a lot heart breaking emotional struggle for my mother.
"I did not marry the right man...but i had the right kids".
I smiled at nothing in particular, i could her voice ringing through my ears like she was present.
"He would only break his account for those whores who would show him their pussy", she would say when mad. Maybe my past was the reason why i became this way? I remember how i felt all those nights when Jon wasn't home. Was he with another woman? Would my Tan go through what i went through? I made a promise to myself that no man would make money a big deal to niether my child or myself. After years of marriage without a day of argument, i still had some emotional trauma buried by time. I wanted a divorce. Was it that i didn't trust my self or Jon? Am i happy now?.....I knew the answer well and okay.
I looked down at my now empty mug, A tear fell down my cheek into the empty mug. Just like this mug, the emptiness was there. I don't need to be loved to fill that empty space. Sniffing, i wiped my cheek with my back hand. I felt too lazy to get up and make another cup. I dropped the mug, walking to my bed i pulled the blanket relaxing myself on the cold sheet.

Giana was pissed at me for months when i told her i was going to abort my pregnancy.
"Have you lost it Felicia". I can still remember the expression on her face. Her eyes were hard and steady with anger, worry, fear and love. Her voice was loud and sharp.
"I don't need a child now". I told her. Maybe that was the reason she invested her time in Tan's childhood. I told no one but her those crule words. Till this day I imagine letting Tan or Jon know this huge part of me. Would Tan understand?
I stirred around.
I remembered the same exact words.
"Abort that child". my father said. My mother was actually pregnant when i was younger. My father's eyes were different from Felicia's , his eyes sold hatred to mine and maybe the fetus too.
"What did i do to for you to have this much hatred for me?"
His expression did not change instead it hardened with anger.
"I would give you ten thousand dollars...abort it".
I remember stepping back slowly with fear.
"Keep your filthy money Eric!"
"I won't provide for any of those kids..if you have that child".
My mother held her belly with fear. She was contemplating. Now i can tell was going on in her mind then..."What if i didn't listen to him? What if I didn't listen to him and finish school would my kids have a better life?

Yes....my mother was only a college dropout. She was swayed by love. She listened to my father, who wanted to provide for her THEN. My mother did not abort that child but something happened. I remember it clearly. My mom took me to the shopping mall to get me a pink flowered dress for a school presentation. While we stopped at the ladies section, i watched my mother admire the cloths. Her eyes scanned them . Her egotistic mind called for it but her subconscious mind pulled the motherly instincts.
"You can admire all you want", I looked up to find who my mother called my father's mistress.
My mother smiled. She held her shoulder's up high, she did not feel intimidated due to her lack.
"I see you have no shame Bitch".
The woman slapped my mother. I remember how my mouth formed an oOO sound with suprise. Ha!, i was only a child to think my mother would back down.
If only she did...maybe my sibling would still be here.
"Bitch.....you called me a bitch? All you do is reproduce thoughtlessly".
My mother returned the favor with a slap.
"How dare you .. disrespect me in front of my child", she said pulling me close to her.
The woman launched at my mother, the fight began. The fight that made my mother bleed on the mall floor. Maybe that's the root of everything?

I could not sleep no matter how i tried. I pulled out my phone and dialed her number.
"Hey mama".
"To whom do i owe this call to?"
Kristine Simmons said laughing at the other end.
"Are you still on your trip?"
"Yeah".
"When you come back can we go see a movie together?"
"Is everything alright?"
"Nah...call me when you plan to return..I would pick you up from the airport".
"Bring flowers if you want to run that task".
I chuckled. Her intellectual are still no joke even at old age.

Thank you for reading this chapter,
Please leave a feedback..what do you think of this flashback?
this chapter pulled some strings in me...its more personal than anything that i have ever written (except from my personal poems).
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I am adding some music to the media part of the chapters...pls listen to the music it really helps you feel what i felt while writing the piece. ( i would like some feedback if you enjoyed the music too).
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Cheers! - N.Y POET