LOVING FIERCELY

20

Felicia's POV

I mindlessly grabbed a jacket from the closet. Rushing to the car, I pulled the car door handle before I realizing i had not unlocked the car. The drive to the emergency room was dreadfully long and nerve racking. As usual, my mind began pulling in countless assumptions. I felt stupid and selfish for not thinking about my child. Again, I concluded that i was at fault. I was wrong to for ignoring my family -- again i didn't want burden them with my problems. I had to deal with my troubles alone without endangering them. Jon had boarded the next available flight to California as soon as the news reached. Guilty goosebumps buried my body. I recalled the conversation I had with Tanney the same night.

Parking the car in rush without even giving damn if it was bad parking, I run through the automatic sliding doors into the emergency room. As my foot touched the flooring of the hospital  a vivid image of my pregnant mother bleeding profusely flashed through my eyes.

"Felicia Simmons...I'm here for my son Tan... Tanney Kienosky". I said to the nurse on the reception desk.

"Give me a second ma'am", the nurse replied punching some buttons on the computer keyboard.

"Are Tanney Kienosky's guardian?"

"Yes.. I am his mother".

I followed the nurse into the ward. My hands and knee kept shaking as i tried to keep my balance. I couldn't manage a straight face neither can I keep a worried look. My expression had no words to describe it -- a mother's concern had no words to explain the whole fueling and explosion.

When i saw my son's face, he was unconscious -- the bandage around his head, his long lashes settled with his eyes closed. This my first time in weeks seeing him.

"Why....w-" I choked. I could not speak either. My whole system shut down with me witnessing it. I used to felt helpless, now i felt terrible -- I felt soulless.

"Why is he still unconscious??" I asked focusing on Tanney.

"We are still going to run some tests on him but the injury wasn't that deep thanks to his thick hair. We still can't figure out why he is still unconscious."

I bent down reaching for Tanney hands -- they seemed cold, absent and unfamiliar.

"Where is the doctor? I wanna speak to the doctor".

"He is busy right now with other patients, He should be with you soon Ma'am".
I watched the nurse walk away giving us some privacy.

I wanted happiness, right?? - What I  wanted was before my eyes yet I was search all this time. The saying 'You don't know what you have until you lose it' was forth playing before my sight. I wasn't in position to nag, scream or cry -- I wasn't in the position to hold his hands knowing I abandoned him even before he was born. I brushed his cheek with my thumb , I bit my lips so hard preventing myself from crying -- preventing the outburst because I wasn't in the shoes to. I deserved pain, pain, pain. Perish happiness -- Why am I selfish about it anyways ? I bit my lips so hard. Maybe if I feel the pain, all this might change right?

"Are you crying.... Mom talk to me, what's up?"
My mind recited Tanney's words -- his soft masculine voice was deeply rooted in my psyche . I looked around -- looking for clues that this might be a dream but the ache I felt on my lower lip brought me back to reality.

I went down on my knees, hanging head low. I didn't care what the nurses or patients thought about me. I placed my hands on the cold floor, my tears hit the ground bouncing with pain, regret, unhappiness, agony and pleading forgiveness.

"I can't hold it in any longer, I....I am so foolish, I was fool for even thinking of letting you go in the beginning. I was and still is a crazy woman for not appreciating you. For not being a mom. I was childlike....you were always the one having to deal with a naive mother. I shouldn't have thought about aborting you, i should spent your early childhood with you instead of submerging my self in some vain work, i should have attended your school plays.....games with Jon and Giana. I should have taken you on a trip and paid attention to your emotions . I shouldn't have had you if i knew my level incompetence. I shouldn't have burdened you with my horrible reality."

I cried but even if I tear enough to fill wells I would never be able to make up for my responsibilities and rue.

Its been twelve hours since I was called to the emergency room. Sitting beside my yet unconscious son I silently begged for a miracle. My eyes were now swollen and my nose bright stuffy. I looked worst than a monster from a comic book but I could care less. I sat stationed beside Tanney when my cellphone vibrated. Picking up the cell phone, I realized my batter only had fifteen percent left. I answered the call putting it on speaker.

"Hey", Jon greeted composedly.

"What did the cops say??"

"The kid has been arrested.....he was completely intoxicated but something else just came to light Fel".

I could tell that Jon was choosing his words carefully. I did not know what news he was going to break to me but I wanted him to let the cat out quickly.

"Lisa confessed something..."

"Lisa was the girl involved??"

"Hmmm.....she also had something to do with the gun found in Tanney's car".

"What does that have to do with the fact my child was badly injured.."

"The kids were tipped off by some cop... it seems like the cop had something against Tanney".

I immediately stood up in shock, letting go of tanney's hand.

"What's the cop's name?"

"That's it Fel. Lisa doesn't know and right now the boy isn't saying much about that incident."

I hung up on Jon. I was afraid. The jerk  targeted my child. As a woman there is only so many I can tolerate . I glanced at Tanney once more kissing his forehead. I turned off my cellphone throwing it into the garbage can. With the car keys in my hand and the determined rage bursting within I left my son with no words uttered.

Thank you for reading ❤❤❤❤