LOVING FIERCELY

9

I am still adjusting to the two most important words that summarise our universe, balance and appreciation. Its been a week after my conversation with Jon. I came to the conclusion that i had some issues, those psychological, emotional issues were holding back from appreciating people, circumstances and life as a whole around me. I have been lying to myself, "everything is fine, its just the way life is........this is me". I have been trying to find temporary happiness, i have an expensive car, live in a rich neighborhood, make a good living, swaying a young man into a relationship i am not serious about". 

"What made you let go of all your denials ?" Sandra Onis said. Sitting on the purple couch, she crossed her long legs with a notebook on her laps. Her eyes looked into mine asking me for all the openiness and sincerity there is. Her small face tilted to the left a little, her auburn black hair pulled into a pony tail.
"Those denials were like ropes holding me back way too long." i paused, interwining my fingers stopping them form shaking. "I actually spoke to my ex husband a week ago..and...and i found out that i was holding on to my past way too much and it is affecting my present."
"Was it what he said or you just came to that realization?"
"Both..i think i knew i was in pain but i failed to acknowledge it".
Sandra handed me a box containing napkins.
"Am sorry..i shouldn't be crying".
"No...don't apologize for feeling how you feel".
I sniffed wiping my nose.
"Tell about your childhood..anything..tell me anything you can think of".
"I had a pretty decent childhood..thanks to my momma.....I guess i was traumatized at the thought of marriage..maybe i thought that all marriage or men should be toxic and i expected that from my ex husband. I expected negativity instead..instead i got the opposite. I felt like for me to be a wife i would have to be a burden..thats why i wanted..wanted freedom". i became silent, staring into empty space.
"How did you expect negativity?"
"I was delusional....i felt that all men cheat..or maybe that they had the right after marriage. I felt-t like struggle was something that comes with marriage".
"And you still got married with all those beliefs resting somewhere subconsciously?"
I nodded.
"Lift your head..i am not judging you".
She gave a few seconds to recuperate.
"Do you have a child?"
"Yeah..thankfully i do".
"Why emphasis on thankfully?" Her eyes felt welcoming amd safe, it made me comfortable enough to spill anything out.
"I almost aborted him......i could have lost that blessing."
"Did you experience any physical violence as a kid?"
"I watched my mother's emotional struggle...waking up and cry at midnight..fighting to get what rightfully belongs to me, childsupport..putting two and two together to send me out to the world and exceed peoples expectations. But in highschool...i was almost got raped...something no one knows".
"You kept it to yourself?"
"I did..i didn't want to bother my mother who was saving every nickle and penny....14 years old wanted to handle it."
"What did you do?"
"I reported him..he was selling drugs...some illegal drugs...I reported him and provided evidence."
"Take a deep breathe..lets stop here today".
I inhaled and exhaled allowing my lungs to expand. 

I arrived home, putting the steering on parking i remained in the car. I wanted a fresh start, shading off all the mistakes and burdens from the old me. I felt obligated to end one more thing, my relationship with Ashton. I no longer wanted to seek joy from external influence.
"I would generate joy from within...i would be my own love..find my own inner freedom....something i have been craving."
I took a long deep breathe again. Feeling slightly nervous, i dialed Ashton.
"Hey,,Fel", the other end said picking up after the third ring.
"Ashton..how have you been?"
"Good..how was your thanksgiving?"
"Yeah..you haven't heard from me in a long time huh?"
"Yeah".
"Yeah..so you want to meet up today?"
Checking the time, It was 5:20 pm.
"How about i buy you dinner?"
"No..lets have dinner....not you buyin' me one".
"Sure".
"Cool...i would be out at 6:00 pm....I'mma call you anyways".
"Okay".
I disconnected the call.
About to head inside my cell phone rang. Looking at the caller ID,  i picked up.
"Hi momma".
"Hey sugar plum......how are you?..are you okay?" her voice revealed concern.
I stared at the phone one more time.
"Do you have some hidden camera installed in my car?" i joked.
"I felt it..is something troubling you?"
Mother has always had some psychic abilities. I have never opened up to her about how i felt but she knew and was waiting for me to talk about it.
"Am doing just fine".
"You are lying ain't you?"
"Nope..i feel better than i have felt all the forty something years of my life".
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not over the phone tho".
"You sure??"
"Yeah....when are you coming home?"
"A week after new year".
"I miss you woman", i chuckled.
"Now watch your mouth young lady..i miss you more".
I laughed, feeling uplifted after talking her.

I watched Ashton take his last bite. Nervously, i sipped the water sitting beside me. I was searching my brain for a better way to explain how i felt about the both of us.
"That was a nice meal..especially after a long day and with you here".
I gave him a small smile.
"Are you done?"
"Yeah..why??...you look uncomfortable..are you okay??"
"I am fine just a little tired."
"You want to rest in the bedroom?" he said about to go into his room. I held his hands before he could leave.
"Its okay".
"Its a little messy..i  get you a blanket if you want."
"I am good..don't worry".
He reseated himself.
"I looked around..where is your roomate?"
His face changed. He suddenly looked sensitive.
"Not here today i guess...i should do the dishes."
"No..i want us to have a small talk..if you don't mind."
"Okay..i am all ears".
"What do you think of me Ashton?"
He was quiet for a moment.
He reached out holding my hands in his.
"You are the most beautiful person to be around."
I pulled out my right hand placing it on top of his.
"I had a pleasant time with you....you pampered me to the fullest".
Ashton still didn't get the message.
I closed my eyes letting those cruel painful words roll out.
"Lets stop seeing eachother ".
He immediately pushed my hands away from his.
"Wh-hy..are you going somewhere?" he asked. His body was still, his eyes were cold-- filled with hate. His ears turned red.
"No". i replied calmly.
"Are you seeing someone new..perhaps your ex?" he spilled out disgusted.
"No", i said with a little uncertainity.
"Look..i am a grown woman....i want find myself, heal me and love me while i can still do it. I did not mean to start anything serious but it just happened."
"Happened...this just happened. The sex just happened......Ha!" He said with a no expression on his face.  I realized i just added salt to a sore wound, instantly regretting it.
"Was i the only one who felt something?"
"No you weren't".
"Then why you doing this?"
"I want to heal me..thats why..believe it or not i got my own issues. I have seperate myself---"
He stood up immediately.
"Can you leave before...b-efforre i do something?"
"Ashton".
"LEAVE...you disgusting bitch...you all are alike...all of you". The veins on his neck and forehead popped out. He gripped his hair, gritting his teeth.
"Ashton,,please-"
"I would make you come back........I would make you regret it...Remember you just dug your grave",  He pushed all the items on the kitchen island down.
I was frightened as i watched the plates hit the ground, shatter before my eyes.

Thanks for reading another chapter..please comment your thoughts, vote and share. Thank you for your support.
- N.Y POET.