LOVING FIERCELY

14

How far you've come in life can be determined by the count of steps you've climbed. Like deja vu, you find yourself repeating the past with the same feeling, mistakes and maybe a different mindset. You find out that the door changed but the key didn't. Regrets conflicted with hope, your body might have wrinkled but mind is still that of an ignorant teenager. I want to get everything over with. But would ending my life make a difference without a fight?

I stared down at the dark semi quiet street from the large office window. My body was ready to retire for the day but my mind still had alot of energy going. I stretched adjusting my comfortable boot leg jeans. My cellphone vibrated calling my attention.
"Unknown number".
I hesitated before swiping the green button across.
"Hello", I said.
The other end was silent for a second.
"Hi Sweety". The cocky masculine voice sounded a little tipsy. I could sense the mocky smirk accompanying his reply.
"Who is this?" I murmured gripping the office chair for support.
"Fel..Fel..don't act innocent. You just as filthy as any almost menopausal bitch out there. Don't pretend, you were a good cock sucker...just as obedient as any whore", he hissed angrily. The sound of the shattering glass at the other end startled me.
My tongue trembled as I tried to speak. I bit my tongue hard causing it to bleed. The taste of blood filled my mouth but it didn't stop me from wavering.
"Ash.....ashton..you sent me..sent me those pictures..didn't you?"
"Ahhh..i just wanted to shake a little....just to let you know someone's watching."
I threw my cellphone to ground, away from my ears. Throwing with all the force in me, I wished I could throw away the choice I had made like nothing happened. Like I never met Ashton,  I never had some immature fun, I never bought him dinner. Still full of fear, anger and pain I picked up my car keys abandoning my office with the lights on, the uncompleted work on the computer screen, the broken cellphone on the floor, I left everything the way it was.
I couldn't wait for the elevator, so I took the stairs. I opened the door to the stairs on the fifth floor with every energy i had left. Running down the stairs, I held the cold steel railing.
There was someone following me, I kept hearing footsteps behind me.
"I am just being delusional".
I looked up at the ceiling corners for any kind of cctv. It was my first time taking the stairs since I moved to this business complex.
When I realised there were no cameras, i felt the world reducing in size. Whatever that was going to happen, would happen with myself being the only witness. I stumbled on the last stair, tumbling to the floor. I tried to regain equilibrium but my ankle seemed broken. I began to remove the black wedge boots i was wearing enduring the discomfort.
"Felicia...Fel are you okay?"
I glanced up find Jon running towards me.
"Jesus...Why were you so scared?"
He immediately scrutinized my ankle.
Drenched in sweat of agony, my hair looked like it would make a good bird nest.
"Yo..u...are...her?" I whispered grabbing his arm closing. "You are here??" I cried. My heart leaped into my stomach due to dismay. My head felt light. Only now i could feel my tongue ache, my legs felt separate from my whole body.
"Thank you ", I sobbed. I felt robbed of all my senses. All could do was cry, cry and cry harder. Jon pulled me in to warm hug.
"It's okay.....its fine".
The more he uttered those words, instead of comfort i felt deceived and lied to. The words made me feel worst, it was like they were arrows and I was the target. The more I heard them, the more the pierced me with greater affliction.

I sat in the passenger seat of the SUV, I knocked my head back on car head rest watching the cars stream by us on the freeway. I tried to close my eyes but I was afraid to recall what had just happened. I turned to Jon who felt the need to quiet because he knew i wasn't in the mood to discuss anything.
"How did you know I took the stairs?"
He gazed at me with concern.
"Is your tongue still bleeding?"
I shook my head.
"I saw you, when the elevator door opened...i saw you before the door closed behind you. I followed you but you ran. I dialled your number but it went into voice mail.."
He made eye contact before he continued.
"Remember we were suppose to meet today.... you said you had something to say to me".
I nodded my head recalling i had called him earlier today.
"I yelled your name but you ignored me....why did you run ??"
I looked away ashamed.
"I was terrified".
Jon pulled up in front my house. I sat in the passenger seat eyeing the bungalow that no longer seemed safe.
"Jon....can Tanney stay with you for the time being ??"
Jon remained silent, getting out of the car he opened the passenger door carrying me out.
"Say something....please?" I said wrapping my hands around his neck.
"Do you have your key?"
I shook my head. He rang the doorbell instead.
The front door opened.
"Da--". Tanney paused scanning me with his child eyes. Jon pushed pass him, making his way up the stairs.
"Let your mom rest a bit".

Jon laid me down on the bed making sure the blanket covered every part of me needed.
"Jon", I whispered.
"You might have a fever tonight.....i would call my personal doctor to come over". He said avoiding my eyes.
"Jon", I held his hand calling his name again.
"How am I suppose to leave you like this....you refuse to explain anything to me....now you want Tanney to stay with me leaving you alone". He ranted calmly.
"You don't have the right to be concerned", I choked.
"Are you serious right now Felicia??"
His eyes looked teary, he wanted his words come out angry but didn't send the message he wanted. He was the same doting Jon i was unhelpfully attached to.
"Please....Jon..i need my own space. I don't want my child to see me like this
I don't want you to see me like this either," I pleaded.
Jon got up leaving the bedroom.

Tanney's POV

It's one thing to be nosy and another thing to be concerned. I placed my ear on the bedroom savoring everything mom said. I intuitively knew something was up every since the incident on new year's morning.

"Please....Jon..i need my own space. I don't want my child to see me like this . I don't want you to see me like this either."
My heart broke at those words. I couldn't --- i didn't want to leave her laying helplessly like that. The bedroom door snapped open hitting my right ear. Dad stared at me sympathetically. I could tell he was hurting too although he pretended to be fine.
"Mom when would you grow up?"

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Cheers - N.Y POET