The Wielder and the Source

Chapter 5

Could one really atone for their sins? The thought weighed on Aldeheid's mind as he dropped a handful of ether stones into the basket beside him. Was it possible to be forgiven after committing multiple atrocities, after causing death and hurt?

Aldeheid wondered if all the people he'd done wrong were cursing him from the other side. All those capes, Wenry. He deserved no less. Even though he tried to move forward, his past still had him chained, still pulled him back. He still woke up shaking, feeling as though he hadn't slept at all. Perhaps this was his punishment.

He looked up at Kitaya, wondering what stupidity had possessed her to want him as her magician. What was it that made her think him worthy of having her as his cape, on his shoulders, until death? She was strong, fearless, capable, everything a magician could want in a cape. Everything he wanted in a cape.

But what did he have to offer her? Nothing. She could make it just fine without him. She had done so for a long time. And he'd killed so many of her kind that he'd convinced himself, he didn't deserve a cape.

Kitaya had been the first to come out of a trial unscathed with him. He should've been leaping with joy. Yet he felt disgusted with himself for not turning her down. She deserved so much better.

"You look tired," Kitaya said, cutting into his thoughts. She sat across the table from him, with several books lined off in front of her, along with ink and parchment. Her brow was furrowed as her dark eyes scanned the pages.

They were sat in the living room of her quaint island home, surrounded the wicker furniture and the scent of honeysuckle. Only a rug separated his butt from the wood floor, and his legs were growing stiff from being folded for too long.

"Do you need a break?" She glanced up at him, one eyebrow arched.

"N-no, it's fine." Aldeheid sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than her. He distracted himself by picking at the bandages that covered his burnt hand.

"Then go again."

He had almost forgotten they'd been practicing his magic leeching. Though he didn't know what for. They hadn't seen any improvements in half a century. Sometimes, he got it right other times wrong. It seemed he'd hit a hurdle that he just couldn't get over. Either that or he'd peaked.

Aldeheid held up his marked hand and took a breath, reaching out with his will. The magic emanating from the ether stones tickled the edge of his awareness, but he did his best to ignore it. He stretched his will towards Kitaya, feeling for her magic instead, yet it seemed just out of his reach.

"This isn't working." He planted his elbows on the table and put his face in his hands. The beginnings of a headache tingled the back of his skull, and his body was heavy with exhaustion.

"You did it just fine a minute ago," Kitaya said.

He heard the rustle of paper as she turned the page of a book, the scratch of her quill as she scribbled something down. The sounds were loud, too loud, in his head. "I can't." And wasn't only talking about the training. He was wound up so tight, he'd probably implode at a moment's notice.

"You can. Just—"

"I can't!" he screamed, slamming his fists on the table. "This isn't going to work, Kitaya!"

"Aldeheid, calm—"

"Why?!" His fists were ball so tightly that his nails were digging into his skin. "Why would you want me as your magician? I'm a mess. I've been nothing but a burden to you and everyone else. Taking and taking but never giving anything back. That's all I ever do!" He fisted his hands in his hair and fought the tears that stung his eyes. "You could do so much better than me. I don't understand..." He exhaled a breath but it did nothing to quell the fire in his chest.