Jeff x Ben-Dirty Mind

•21

That night did turn out to be an adventure.

I decided for once not to get up and get a drink. I wanted to be on alert for when Slenderman decides to tell me what was wrong, or what happened to Smile Dog. I patted the bed and Smile jumped on and laid in the small space between me and my sheets. I smiled as I scratched his fluffy head lovingly. He yawned and smacked his lips as he placed his head beside mine. We were making eye contact while he sleepily licked my nose.

I laughed a little and scratched his neck as he slowly stopped and started to breathe at a steady pace as he fell into the realm of sleep.

*sigh* I can't get my mind off of this.

I didn't know what to do. I feel disgusted with myself. I basically manipulated Ben into staying. He's probably been in toxic relationships before and maybe I even gave him some PTSD when he saw the hickeys. I could tell by the look in his eyes. The way he was shocked as if this had happened a million times before, and hurt, even more, this time because he trusted me the most.

Even though we were now 'lovers' I was still supposed to be there for him. As his friend. And by doing that it's like I stabbed my closeted friend in the back.

I want to one day find out what kind of relationships Ben has had. I want to know more about his romantic back-round and sex life. Did he know he was gay from the start? Has he always known he was gay? Has he ever had intercourse with a woman? These are things I was very curious about.

But I bit my tongue when the question felt like it would come up, for his sake. I wanted to find the right time and wait a little while longer. I wanted to wait until Ben could completely trust me again and feel like he could share those things with me.

Which was definitely not now.

He acted normal at first but maybe that was just in the moment. I mean he was normal but he also really wasn't. He still was a nervous lil mochi but he was now distant. He didn't talk as much or hang out with me as much and that made me sad.

And now all he fucking does is leave me on fucking READ I miss him like crazy!

He's playing hard to get and it's not my favorite. It's probably to teach me a lesson because I'm dumb for cheating on him but now every time I'm in the mood he brushes me off or says he's too tired to do anything tonight. Which is every fucking night.

I've grown so needy.

I was going through my phone with a blank face and found myself scrolling through my contacts, and landed on Devon's. My eyes went from blank to normal as I blinked at his contact information. It feels so weird to think about Devon while being completely sober.

Don't do it. Don't do it. You don't want to.

I bit my lip. I knew Devon would be easy but then I'd be proving him right. I'd be just one of his chest pieces falling right into place and I didn't want that. I didn't want to be a part of his sick game. Sure, I miss him. I know deep down I really want to see him show up at my doorstep just so I could see him, talk to him. Sure, I'd scream at him to leave but deep down I'd be begging him to stay or come back again.

Ben doesn't seem interested in sex at the moment though. Devon is always in the mood.

You'll regret it. You'll just hurt him. Devon will just hurt you. He'll leave. Ben will leave.

They'll all leave you.

I sighed heavily as I shut off my phone quickly.

Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it.