Jeff x Ben-Dirty Mind

•27

I'm doing it again.

I have this thing where...

So I guess I was sort of a player. I used girls for their bodies, and once in a while, would do the same with guys, but I would always be thinking of Devon. With Ben it's different. All I think about is him, his body, his reactions, not Devon. Devon was the reason I only went for girls.

I love sex, and would really lie all the time just for some pussy. So when a girl I'd be hooking up with wanted to start to go on dates, I would suck in a breath and go along with it. I didn't care. I never cared about any girls I was with.

Girls.

s

It was never just one with me. That wasn't enough. It never was.

I would do the whole date thing just to satisfy them. I would always be cheating, pretty much every night. They would become suspicious and the whole relationship would be built on lies. I would lie and lie until they broke down. I would break these perfectly fine girls, I would ruin them, and for what?

I mean. I didn't care about them then and for sure as hell don't now, because I never really loved any of them. But Ben makes me feel guilty. Not on purpose, but his good heart would rub off on me and make me feel just a little bit of guilt for the things I did.

And right about now... I'm in a bad place. I'm started to get the feeling of being weighed down by commitment. This was my problem when I would at least try to commit and change. I'm starting to feel like Ben is in control of my actions and I don't like it. It's making me grow distant. I do of course love him, he's my second love. But I'm getting the familiar feeling. Like, I'll find myself scrolling through my contacts in the middle of the night, just looking for a quick fuck, just to get the idea of commitment out of my head, but then...

I remember Ben. The man sleeping next to me. I remember how much I care about him, love him, need him. I remember that the last time I cheated on him, (the last time he knows about) he forgave me because he loves me.

Now I've been loved many times before, and all I did was break girls hearts over and over. I built this reputation and shell around me and grew this large ego. I've always been like this, and just when Ben made me feel normal like I was in a regular relationship, I would get these thoughts about not being faithful to him, and I hate it.

So what do I do? Naturally, I drink away these thoughts until I become numb. Numb enough to do anything for Ben. I just wanted him to be happy.

I just want to be happy.

I slowly opened up my tired, grey eyes. They feel less blue these days. They have a gray cover that shields out light and color. My mind is blank and all I can think about is if I should leave Ben now so that it will hurt him less than if I stayed and broke his heart.

"Jeff," Ben said in his rare, tired, sleepy voice. It had a slight rasp and was cute since his voice wasn't that low.

"Yeah?" I asked as I turned to him. I saw the saddened look on his face.

"Are you drinking again?" He asked as his little innocent eyes looked up at me.

No, stop. Don't look at me like that, you'll just make me feel guilty.

"What? No, get off my back." I said dismissingly as I rolled over.

I was lying. He knew I was. He's not as easy to lie to as my past relationships had been.

"Remember? I cleared out the pile of shit in here from before, and there's not one bottle laying around." I explained as the lies just piled up like my beer bottles tended to do.