Safe Place ~ WayHaught

The Weights Of Living

"I'm stuck in a daydream, but life goes on for everyone else."

~~~~~

~Nicole POV~

It's quiet for a long time. I can tell that I'm sleeping, but I can't make myself wake up. So, I dream. I drift through my subconscious until I find a memory to latch onto, a memory that I can shape into something better.

It was the first day of tenth grade. I had just moved to Purgatory after my parents found out I'm gay. I had no friends and nobody to show me around school or the town. I was lonely and fumbling through the halls, messing with my schedule like an idiot. Then, I ran straight into two people.

One of them just huffed and walked off, but the other, well. . . I had knocked her to the floor. I tried to smile and cover up how nervous I was when I helped her up. Of course, when I tried to apologize, she just laughed and said it seemed like something she would do. And that laugh. . .

That laugh was the most amazing thing I'd ever experienced. It was infectious. She laughed in a way that showed everyone around her how real it was, and it was beautiful. Her smile extended past her mouth. It was covering her face completely. Her nose bunched up in the most joyful way you'd ever see and little crinkles formed by her eyes. It was so clear that this girl was pure light. That memory has been a picture in my head for so long, a wonderful picture, and every time I'm feeling sad or worried, that image chases away all of my negativity.

But I'm on my own now. That girl, that laugh, she isn't with me. She doesn't love me like she said she did. Maybe, at one point, she did love me. No, there's no maybe about it. She did love me. She loved me with everything she had and everything she wished for. I loved her too.

I still love her.

I love her more than what can be considered healthy, so I let her go. Maybe she's on her way back to me. Maybe she'll be with me when I wake up. I want that so much.

I'm awake now, I know I am, but I don't want to open my eyes because I know that the hand holding mine isn't hers. It isn't Waverly's. I remember what happened to me. I remember the shaking and the lack of control. I remember Wynonna holding me. That's probably who's with me now.

"Wynonna?" I ask my question even though I know the answer.

"Yeah, I'm here." She leans closer to me and squeezes my hand. "How you feeling?"

"Like I wanna know what that seizure was all about." I chuckle.

"I'll be right back, okay?" I nod and Wynonna leaves the room for a few minutes.

I assume she's getting the doctors for me, but I still don't want to be alone. Not right now. I can feel a wave of emotions rushing over me, hospitals bring back memories.

~flashback~

It's so cold. I'm scared and alone. There was too much blood, and screaming, too much screaming. I don't know how I managed to get down by the river, but part of me wishes I had just died with them. This canoe is keeping me safe, it's keeping me moving, but now I have to live knowing that all I could do was run. I couldn't save anyone.

It's been almost half a day now and I can see a small town through the trees. I want to get out, but I'm not sure if it's safe. The decision isn't mine though. It's his.