OPIA

Chapter 6

I've got myself a character. I named him North.

Kakaiba siya sa lahat ng character na lalaki na naisulat ko. He's cheeky - always smiling, but worthy as a rival to anything. He loves to cook, close to cute things and light colors, and hates cold drinks 'cause it makes his troat itch. North is someone you could talk to every single night, kahit ano pa ang topic. He'll help you when you're in need but will tease you afterwards because of your stupidity. Mapagkakatiwalaan. Pero madalas, secretive.

I based him solely from a person I met last month, Eero Martin. Na ngayon ay pinipilit akong ipabasa sa kanya ang ilang scenes na naisulat ko weeks matapos ang break down ko sa harap niya.

Shit.

Sabihin pa nun, palagi ko siyang iniisip.

Shit ulit.

I'm not denying it. Palagi ko siyang iniisip kasi nga kailangan. Diba? If I don't observe him, think of his somewhat cute quirks, wala ngayon ang character na si North. After he dropped the question last month, kung ilang kwento na ba ang narinig ko, I realized I was too focused in my comfort zone. Kaya walang bago kasi natatakot akong isulat ang mga bagay na hindi ako komportable.

Like holding hands, and hugging, and kissing. It was fucking uncomfortable.

Nilalagay ko kasi sarili ko sa character imbes na hayaang gumalaw ang characters ayon sa personalities nila.

I'm not saying I became great after just a few weeks. May kulang pa rin sa akin - yung emotions. Noong ipinabasa ko kay Eero yung dati kong mga gawa, halata sa mukha niyang simula pa lang ay marami ng mali. Nawalan ako ng pag-asa na makapasa sa Project LucidDream. Na hindi ko na makakasama during set ang favorite director ko. Na hanggang panaginip na lang ang pangarap na pilit kong inaabot.

But then Eero told me a single sentence. Just a single sentence.

"You have a potential."

So I continue writing. Nagsulat lang ako, visualizing all the scenes I want to watch someday - wrapped up into one length. From time to time, nanunuod ako ng short films ni Indigo Tuvera na isinulat ni Sandra M. Those insecurities I had felt - I turned it into inspirations. I bended ideas, making it mine and mine alone. All of those times I did not adress my works - erasing sentence after sentence, those times I thought everything I do were off, made me realized that it was all just a phase. Isang bunga ng trauma at takot na naramdaman ko noong walang naniniwala sa akin kundi sarili ko lamang.

Noong una naisip ko na siguro dahil masyado akong nagtiwala sa sarili ko kaya ako naging tanga sa harap nila.

But I need to fucking grow up. I need to get used of criticism kasi in the corner of my head - that little voice I'm trying my hardest to shove out keeps saying na madaling makita ng ibang tao ang kung anong mali sayo. Which sounds so wrong. But then, being wrong feels nothing but being right. Iba-iba lang talaga paniniwala ng tao.

Eero helped me. A lot.

"Ano, anak. Makakauwi ka ba?"

"Seriosuly, Ma? Bakit araw-araw mo akong tinatanong? October pa lang kaya."

"Miss ka lang namin."

Napanguso ako. Ang epal talaga ni Mama minsan, nakakainis. Bigla na lang nagpapa-iyak. Huminga ako nang malalim para hindi mahalata ang panginginig sa aking boses. Basta talaga pamilya ang usapan, palagi akong nagiging emotional. "Miss ko na rin kayo."

"Ano kaya, anak, kung kami na lang nina Art ang lumuwas papunta dyan?" Naibaba ko ang kutsarang hawak dahil sa sinabi niya.

"Ho?"