Really Fucked Up Jokes

Adopted

"It's about time I told you something important," I said to my 15-year-old son.

"What is it, dad?" he asked.

"You were adopted," I said.

"That's impossible," He exclaimed. "We look the same!"

"Well," I replied, "That's because we're fucking Chinese."

Muslim
What did one Muslim say to the other Muslim in the mall?

Nothing very interesting, they are both completely ordinary members of society who should not be judged based on their ethnic background and skin colour.

And then the building exploded.

Photoshop
I got fired today for creating a Photoshop picture of the boss' 10-year-old daughter sucking on my 11 inch cock and emailing it to everyone in the department.

A few people thought it was funny, most were disgusted but I'm just confused.

What's Photoshop?

Lost Phone
A guy at work was jailed last week after the police found videos on his phone of a girl being raped.

Serves him right for stealing my phone.

"I miss mine"
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour rubbing his balls. It was something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her. "Why do you love doing that so much?" She replied,

"I really miss mine. . ."

Expiration Date
Wife: Honey. . . What are you looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for the past hour.

Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.

Hanging
A brunette and a blonde live together and the brunette comes home to see the blonde with a rope around her body and the brunette asks,

Brunette: Why is there a rope around your stomach?

Blonde: I tried to hang myself.

Brunette: The rope is supposed to go around your neck.

Blonde: I tried that but I couldn't breathe.

Pamper
I love to pamper my girlfriend when she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and the bubbles and time everything perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door,

the dishes are piled up, waiting for her.

Samsung Galaxy S4
My boss came to me at work today, properly pissed shouting, "I heard you have naked pictures on my daughter on your iPhone! Is that true?"

"Yes, but it's not what you think. . . "

"Oh, what is it then?"

"It's a Samsung Galaxy S4."

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

How is virginity like a soap bubble?

One prick and it is gone.

I added Paul Walker on Xbox. . .

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

How did the leper hockey game end?

There was a face off in the corner.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up.

Real men don't wear pink. . .

They eat it.

How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?

You're dead if the rubber breaks.

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

What does a pizza boy and a gynaecologist have in common?

They both smell it but they can't eat it.

What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Ken came in another box.

My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex. . .

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She gagged.

What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after 3 periods.

What does Donald Trump's hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

What is the best part of a blowjob?

Ten minutes of peace and quiet.

I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.

She said she didn't have time.

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket.

Say what you want about pedophiles. . .

But at least they drive slow through the school zones.

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

What do you call a little boy with no arms and no legs?

Names.

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?

My penis.