where the time went- chloe price

the letter.

to my baby, rosemary,

your name... your face.... your everything... never fails to fill my heart with so much love, with so much joy and an abundance of hope- your smile brings so much light into my life, you are my best friend, the love of my life and my reason for living, my sweet, sweet rosemary.

i remember the day i found out i was going to have a beautiful baby girl i cried for hours, i was filled with so much pure joy but never in my whole life could i ever have imagined having a daughter as perfect as you. every second that i spend with you makes every painful second of my life worth it a thousand times over. you make my life worth living, my loving angel rosemary.

do you remember the day we went to the park together? to feed the ducks and their babies? the sweet little ducklings... they reminded me of you, so gentle, so pure, so sweet and beautiful. i remember you squealing in delight as they surrounded you and ate the bread you placed on the grass, they trusted you like their own mother. i knew in that moment that you were going to grow into a strong, beautiful, caring woman and i could not wait to see it happen and support you through every lesson and obstacle you face.

i know that life will be confusing and difficult for you. i know that you will feel that you have no one to come out to, no one who will understand you, no one who will want to listen... but please, rosemary. i am here, i am always here, no matter what happens. i am here for you, i am your mother, i love you so, so much. every hardship that you face will have a reason, it will have a lesson and you will only continue to grow into the strong woman you were born to be.

as much as i have always wanted to wrap you up into a blanket and swaddle you, protect you from this world... i know that there is going to come a day where you will need to venture out there on your own... you will come home and you will be very confused and hurt... i know that this is inevitable and it is one of the hardest parts about being a mother. i know that there will be a day where you feel like this is all your fault... but it's not, my sweet baby.

it never was.

it never has been.

and it never will be.

so i guess this is the part where i begin to explain myself? where i try and give you some answers for the things you have been experiencing lately? please... don't stop reading, don't be as stubborn as you want to be right now, my love... let me explain myself.

you are as innocent in this as i am... i did not make the choice for this to happen. i know you might blame me for it, you might tell me that i could have said no a thousand times over... but you know what your father is like... it's not worth the fight sometimes. maybe you might disagree, but at this point in my life... i am exhausted, there was no reason to fight. i know you didn't want a baby sister, god, trust me... i know how defiant you were against the idea, but the second i found out it was even a possibility to have another rosemary running around, my life was suddenly filled with a whole new sense of purpose.

i knew her and you would have loved her.

but, the moment that i knew i lost her, my heart was empty. i know i am so, so, so, beyond words lucky to have two beautiful children of my own who i will cherish and love for the rest of my life and beyond... but to know that i had the room in my heart for one more... and then to have that taken away from me forever, it is soul destroying. i was unconsolable... you might remember that i disappeared for a few days? well, i went to stay with your uncle tommy. as you know, your father isn't very good at dealing with this sort of stuff so i thought that i would make it easier for him if i just leave for a little while, until i was ready to come back... and i thought i was, i really thought i was, rosemary. but the moment i pulled back into our driveway everything came flooding back to me. the pain i was in, god, it was excruciating. i couldn't stop crying, i couldn't stop screaming, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat, i couldn't shower, i couldn't look after myself anymore, rosie.
god, now i am crying again!!

your father didn't know what to do, so he spoke to mr. prescott. do you remember him? apparently mrs. prescott had gone through the same thing before nathan and they used it to calm her down and bring her out of the horrible pain she was feeling. i was defiant, there was nothing worse that i could ever imagine happening to me. your father bought up the idea to me and i screamed at him, telling him that i couldn't do it to you kids, to my babies. but he fought with me, telling me he had already bought it all for me, spent his hard earned money while i was off holidaying with your uncle tommy... not sure that i would call grieving the loss of a baby 'holidaying'... but anyway, he told me it would help, it helped mrs. prescott and she's fine now... she's better, she is living again. i was still in disagreement with the whole thing, but to make your father happy, i told him i would do it... once, and only once. i knew the stuff was addictive... i just didn't know how addictive it was.

i'm sorry that this is hard for you to read, baby... i'm sorry my sweet angel. but i hope this can bring you some understanding.

i knew that i was becoming addicted by the fourth time he gave it to me, i knew that i felt better whilst it was in my body and i felt worse without it, excruciatingly worse. i knew that there would become a day where i wouldn't be able to hold you anymore because i would be too held up on getting my next fix, i'm terrified for that day my angel.

i've tried to tell him i'm addicted, i'm so scared. i feel so helpless, he just keeps telling me that it's not working, that i'm feeling too much and it's meant to be stronger than this. i think he's giving me more than he used to, everything feels worse than it should but i can't tell him that because he'll keep giving me more and more... and more.

frank is so angry at me, baby... he doesn't even look at me anymore... i don't know if it's the defiant teenage boy phase or if he genuinely hates me for what is happening to me, but it's killing me. it's breaking my heart to know that he hasn't hugged me in months, he ignores me when i try talk to him, even when i ask him about his friends he never responds anymore. he tries to take you away from me, he tries to convince you to go upstairs and play dolls with him, but you always say no, you always stay with me... i think somewhere in there you know that i am not going to be around forever if this keeps happening to me. i hope that these times where you are with me and we are holding each other warm in our arms... i hope these are the things that you remember, rosie... not the bad times, please don't think of me in the bad times that are inevitable... that's not me... that's not who i want to be.

i want to be your mother, i want to see you grow old, i want to see you fall in love i want to see you experience the things your meant to. i want to meet your partners and tell them all the embarrassingly sweet stories i have of you. i want to be your mother. it's what i was born to do.

your head is resting on my lap right now, you are so good... you are dreaming and i am high... i'm a terrible mother, i know i am. but for now i will hold you close to me every chance i get because i know there will come a day where i will never be able to hold you again.

i didn't want this to happen, i didn't think i would be writing this right now but... i know it is inevitable. so, i'm putting this into my will, it will go to joyce price... so that if something ever happens to me, you will remember the good and you will see this letter and maybe you will be reminded of it.

please, give my love to your brother frank, rosie... he needs it, even if he won't admit it. please don't loose each other throughout this. your bond is stronger than you know.

i love you far beyond words, rosemary annabelle bowers.
i don't know what's up there but i am with you everyday and i am so endlessly proud of you with every breath you take.
thank you for giving me so much joy, i wish i could be with you for longer but my time will come and you will be stronger without me.
i am so sorry for what i have put you through, please forgive me.

i miss you so, so, so much and love you three thousand times more.

all my love in the whole world,
your mommy,
annabelle.
02-04-2007.