where the time went- chloe price

the funeral.

chloe's usual attire of black clothing was different today. it was finished off with a frown, and not her usual frustrated with the world frown. this one was entirely different and i had never seen it on her before. of course i had seen it before, on my uncle at my mother's funeral, on my grandma at her funeral and on frank too. but chloe's broke my heart in an entirely different way, because i knew how she was feeling, her frown was mirrored onto my face too and i would never want her to feel the despair and grief that was running through my body right now.

i tried to stabilise my legs as i stood on the uneven ground, the grass tickling my heels as it blew in the wind softly that danced around us in front of rachel's grave.

       the ground was open still.
  her casket in front of us.
    her body in that box.
  her whole life in that box.
       that could have been me.
   that should have been me.

chloe's hand soon found its way to mine, her fingers running across my palm before they slipped themselves between my fingers, my heart immediately stopped beating so sharply upon my rib cage. i looked up at her under the sunlight and leant her a soft smile, she returned it to me quickly before exhaling shakily, i tightened my grip on her hand for a second to reassure her that i was there, her thumb soon started to rub against my skin softly and the funeral then started.

james amber was the first to speak, reminiscing the first time he took rachel to an acting class, speaking about how her eyes lit up every time she pretended she was someone she wasn't, wishing that she would have had the opportunity to come to the realisation that she was everything she needed to be, she was perfect. then he started to sob softly, his wife held onto his hand as he finished his eulogy, promising to live everyday of his life for his daughter who's life was cut short. rose didn't say anything, i don't think she could have, her cheeks were damp under her sunglasses and her bottom lip was trembling a great amount. chloe sniffed from beside me and i stared intently at the glades of grass i was standing behind, concentrating on them hard enough that the tears forgot to slip from my eyes.

soon after, a priest spoke, i'm sure his words were comforting to some, but not to me. he seemed to just be repeating the same words he spoke at my mother's funeral. and there was no way you could compare the possible afterlife for them both. i hoped they would end up in the same place. i remember praying that my mother would go to heaven when she first passed away, hoping that she was 'good enough' to land a spot in there. but there was no need to pray like that when we found out about rachel, i knew she would be there. of course she would be. she was already an angel here on earth. she would have had a room reserved for her.

chloe was asked to speak at the funeral when they first found her body but there was no way she would have been able to put their relationship into words. chloe adored rachel. and rachel adored chloe. i don't know what happened when i was gone but i was so relieved that they had each other, they needed each other and it gave me peace of mind that they were together when i wasn't around.
chloe never told me if she planned to speak at the funeral but i assumed she denied their requests, and soon enough that was proven correct when the funeral ended. everyone paying their respects to rachel and making their way back to the carpark. chloe and i stayed there, the grass continuing to kiss my ankles and the wind blowing through my hair as my hand was wrapped with chloe's, her soft sniffles filling my ears, along with rachel's parents and a few other stragglers.
i fought with myself not to cry, god i needed to but i couldn't... rachel would kill me if i cried at her funeral. so i continued to stare intently at the blades of grass under me, inhaling and exhaling slowly, trying to stabilise myself.
"thank you for coming, girls," rachel's mom, rose spoke, her voice weak and cracking but her smile apparent as she looked at us through her sunglasses. as soon as i glanced at her i felt my nose tingle with tears but i swallowed them and gave her a tight smile and a soft nod, chloe wiped her eyes before opening her mouth to speak,
"i'm sorry i didn't-," rose shook her head, cutting her off,
"rachel knew what she meant to you," she said, "you being here was enough for her," she gave chloe a gentle smile with a trembling lip, chloe nodded, her hand still attached to mine, squeezing tightly. "it's nice to see you, rosie," she spoke, her attention now landing on me, "i wish it were under better circumstances but..." she spoke and suddenly i felt a wave of guilt crash through my body.