Futility [Completed]

Notes and Deaths Eleven: Note 1: The Agony of the Youth

I am now sitting in front of this unknown box, I open it and the first layer revealed as Yuan's stuff. A diary.

Gray...

My friend, I left this note inside my room, without knowing where and when will I die. I want you to promise that you will pursue your dream for me. I want you to be strong for yourself and for the others who trust you. Take care for Marcus and Karu for me. They are so precious little kid. Don't let them die with their youth and guide them. My youth is kinda crazy, a complicated but I still enjoy every moment I spent with you and to the others. I never thought I would make it to the age of 23. I thought when my brother leaves me will be the end for me. But you save me from that thoughts. You save me from death and thank you for that. I really don't blame youth for this. I blame myself for not wanting to live more and continue this journey. My dream as a musician continues within the music of the ocean wave.

- YUAN

I can't help but to cry on Yuan's letter. I saw some pictures of Yuan with Amy and his brother. Why is this happening to us? Why they do that? Why they left me? I continue to look inside the box and I found Marcus letter.

KARU.....

My friend, my enemy, my classmate and my FIRST LOVE. Yes I am an idiot to fall in love with you and I am a coward boy who decides to be a fool just to save our friendship. I know I am such a jerk to kiss you like that. I write this letter for you with a burden inside my heart. I lost my dream when my brother died and I try to continue when I saw how you struggle in life, how you support me. Knowing that, I am so thankful. I left you on this journey but I will wait till we meet again.

When I kissed you, I want to stop the time and just remain there. I will cherish that moment until I die. I email all of you. But this letter is my first and last love letter for you. My first love. I will never die inside your heart right? But forget me in your mind. Forget what I have done in your life. Forgive me that I left you. I left the whole group just to see my freedom.

Signing off MARCUS
"Why Gray keep this here? But why Marcus didn't gave me this letter?" Well I don't know if my question will be answer, after all this years. Marcus and Yuan is so precious. I try to continue to read those letters and I found Min's letter.

YOUTH...

You are a harsh world that my life give up. I saw how strong and weak myself is. My friends is important to me. They are the reason why I am still alive and fight to live and day by day I fought on my own thoughts of dying and just give up. Yourself is really your worst enemy. I was born under her but I was never born from her heart. My life as a youth is challenging I neglect myself to understand who I am but I failed to do it.

Water become my companion. I drown myself to experience different. Bathtub become my bed. I thought it is normal. I think twice and realize that there is no normal on my life, all is devastated and hard as a rock. I can't destroy that fact, I rather get fuck in life than to fight against the hard wall of moving on.

Once again I am not happy but, I want to be happy – Min

Yuan's Death

After I saw Gray's painting, I can't help but to get mad at myself. I really hate that I can't move on since Amy died on the fire. I still have them as my friends and second family but the worse scenario is when my brother left us without a word and as I was struggling to know why he did that? My parents was against to our dreams. My brother dream to become a theater actor and mine was to create music and they always say there's no money on that profession, they just simply call it trash. That's my parent's vision on our dreams. I think my brother can't handle my parents mind and attitude that's why he leave me with them.