Frozen Love (A Castle Fanfiction)

Sleep Deprived

It took only three days. Alexis and Martha and I stopped having our own troubles to keep us up at night and Brayden started to be the only reason we were up. Every hour. Every night. I couldn't drink coffee because I had to keep the caffeine out of my breast milk and once three days passed after that fight, I felt like a train had run me over. Castle couldn't do much but hold the baby when I needed to get something or I just couldn't lull Brayden anymore. Sitting on the couch for the moments while B was fussing and was apparently not hungry and didn't need changed, I could feel myself struggling to stay awake. But for him, I was aware enough to keep him in my arms, writhing, but held tightly.

With Alexis in school and Martha out at the theatre school, I was pretty much alone. Castle couldn't move himself with a broken wrist while he was in a wheel chair without struggling a bit and I didn't really want him to strain himself. Instead, all I asked was that he stay awake. All I asked was that he stay conscious while the baby was still awake so that he made sure I wasn't going to do something stupid like fall asleep sitting up with B in my arms.

"Kate, sweetheart, I promise you, you aren't going to let anything happen to Brayden," Castle swore to me for the millionth time. I didn't really respond and simply continued to try and settle our son down. As always, the minute Brayden was asleep, I put him in his bassinet and crashed on the couch. And as always, an hour and a half passed and he was screaming for me again.

I don't know if you've ever heard an infant's wail, but that piercing scream is one of the most painful sounds I've ever heard. Every time I heard it, he broke my heart a bit more. The moment I pulled Brayden from his crib, I brought him into my arms and did my best to sooth him. He threw his arms, kicked his feet and twisted his body around as he cried out for some kind of help. After a few moments of trying to figure out what he needed, I looked up at the clock and realized Brayden was probably hungry.

Luckily this was one of the easiest times to get him to calm down. While I nursed him, I sat on the couch and watched Rick sleep through hazy eyes. He looked peaceful for the moment, which was a guise he'd worn since he got home. Still, he didn't realize that on the rare occasion when he slept long enough to dream, he talked aloud about his troubling dreams of what could have happened in the crash. Twice I'd heard him mumble about losing Brayden and me.

I hadn't really considered the thought that he worried about losing us. He was injured much worse than I was and Brayden wasn't hurt in any way (as far as we know). The worst thing that happened was my rib and lung and I was fine now. I was fine before I ever saw him after the crash. Granted, bending too much and lifting things that were heavier than Brayden was a challenge and slightly painful, but I was in much better shape than him. He was in a wheel chair. His hand was in a cast. He was the one with the head injury. I was fine. Brayden was fine. We should be worrying about him, not the other way around.

Martha and Alexis both assured me that was just who he was, but I already knew that about him. I guess I just didn't realize how much he worried about others before himself. All I could do now was think about how many times I'd put my own life on the line over the last three years and watched Castle worry about it. Especially after Montgomery died before I was shot, I could still remember those few days with him.

The first two days, I remember being very quiet and simply meditating on his memory and trying to figure out how I was supposed to see him in my mind. I remember coming home at night and resting in Castle's arms, being too tired to move and wanting to know that I wasn't alone. He didn't say a word against any of it and just babied me, really. Don't get me wrong, I love Castle, but I hate being babied when I actually notice it.

That's why, after two weeks of being woken up by the baby and seeiing him look like a horror film star, I finally lulled B to sleep and turned to my sleep deprived lover to wake him. He turned over and looked at me through sleeping eyes. I finally asked, "Castle, what's wrong?" He didn't understand. He was too tired. I explained, "You keep talking in your sleep. You're calling out my name and Brayden's name. You're writhing in your sleep worse than Brayden is. What's wrong?"

He didn't know. It was obvious. He didn't know his dreams had boiled up to the surface. He stumbled over words and then told me, "Kate, I- it's just- a dream. That's all. It's nothing you need to worry about."

I looked at him with an unsure smile and answered, "Rick, you know I'm right here, right? You know that I am never going anywhere and that both Brayden and I are absolutely fine."

"I know," he cooed in a gentle doubt.

My eye brow raised as his head focused on the hands in his lap. Seeing his not-so-subtle display of continued disbelieve and discomfort, I crawled closer to him and sat down in front of him, placing my hands in his. This didn't truly get his attention, but he did embrace my hand with a simple stroke. He then looked up at me when I called him to attention by calling his name. "We've been through enough to know better than to shut each other out. I don't care if you're ready or willing to talk about it yet, Rick, but I'm right here for you. I will listen if and when you're ready to let me. But until then, do me a favor?" His eyes glinted in curiosity a moment before I told him, "Kiss me."

As usual, he followed my instructions and tentatively placed his lips against mine as though he were afraid he'd shatter me with this touch. Seconds went by and the comforting embrace split as I allowed him to pull me into his arms entirely. Guiding me down to the bed with one dominating arm, I rested against his chest and rested in his hold. For a while, he just kept me close to him in silence as we began to drift off. Just as my mind shut down and my body began to truly go slack, he told me, "I love you so much, Kate."

Fatigue clouding my voice in the same way it clouded his, I relayed the message by telling him, "I love you too, Rick. Always."