Frozen Love (A Castle Fanfiction)

Troubles in Paradise

"I don't believe you!" Castle screamed at me under his breath as we stood in the breakroom. He'd dragged me in here almost immediately after I'd given the boys directions as to where they'd be looking as part of my mother's case. "You can not seriously be getting back into this, Kate. You're going to get yourself killed!"

"It's a miracle I'm not dead, Castle! It's a miracle that they haven't killed me and if you're asking me to stop looking into this, you're a fool!"

"You think I'm asking? Kate, I'm telling you that if you open this door up again, you're not only going to get yourself killed, but you'll be putting Brayden's life in peril. Is that what you want? Are you trying to get our son killed?!" He was furious. I could see it. But I could also see that he was too certain about his words.

I battled on. "Of course I don't want anything to happen to Brayden and how dare you even ask me that! I thought I made it clear that I was willing to die for him before he was even born."

"So, what, you'll die for him, but you won't stop working this case for him?"

"No! And you know why? Because I want to know that the man who nearly killed both him and me is gone. I want my son to grow up knowing that he's safe. I want him to be able to play soccer or football and be out in the open without having to look over my shoulder and wonder if every glare of sunlight off a window could be another rifle, this time aimed directly at him."

He confidently swore, "If you continue to look into this case, Kate, you're going to die. If you want to live long enough to watch Brayden take his first steps, you have to give up."

"Castle, I don't even understand why I'm still alive. They could have finished me off a million times already if they thought I was a threat. I've been waiting for that other shoe to drop since the moment I got out of the hospital and now- I have a chance to make sure that it never does. This is my only chance, Rick. This our only chance."

"To do what?!" Rick yelled above me.

So far I'd capped the desperation for an end decently well, praying that I didn't have to answer this question, but now- I had to. "To- put this behind us. To- make sure that our son is safe. Don't you think I know that by putting my neck out there, I'm risking my life? Trust me, Castle, I know I could get myself killed, but I- I can't escape the thought that Brayden could have brain damage or he could be killed because I was an absolute moron! I can't let go of the thought that my son-... our son is going to have to live in a world where any of us could be murdered at any moment. All I can think about anymore is making sure that B is safe and- my only chance of doing that is putting whoever the hell this is behind bars."

He stopped. Stared. I don't know how I'd done it, really, but somehow I'd broken through a barrier much deeper than I had intended to. At this point, all I wanted was for him to understand, but something else had revealed itself from behind the curtain. With searing wounds still fresh, evident through every micro fracture of his expression, he told me one word. "Smith."

I was instantaneously confused. "Smith?"

The name was clearer now. "Michael Smith. He's the thing keeping that other shoe from dropping. He- received a package after Montgomery died. The contents of that package held damaging evidence to the ring leader behind your mother's murder. Smith made a deal: The contents of that package would never see the light of day so long as you were protected. But they made a stipulation. You had to back off. That's why you're alive, Kate. That's why no one has come after you or me or Brayden. You backed down."

I was in awe. Complete and totally astounded, which quickly burned off into fury. Still, I gave him a chance to redeem himself. "How do you know this, Rick? Why wouldn't you tell me?"

"Someone had to make sure you backed off, and- I knew if I told you any of this, you'd go at it again, full force, to make this man pay."

Instant tears shot through my chest. "You didn't tell me because you thought that, even though we'd talked about it, even though I was pregnant, I'd make the idiotic mistake of putting myself and our unborn son in harm's way? Am I really that much of a monster to you, Rick?"

"No, Kate, I just- I know how passionate you get about this case, and- I know you don't always think rationally when you're working it. And- to be fair, you'd already worked it once without thinking about the baby. I never thought you were a monster, I just- I know how driven you are."

"Yeah," I answered, doing my best to control the welling tears from spilling onto my eyelids. "Yeah, Castle, I am passionate about this case, but not blinded by it! Do you have any idea how terrible I felt after I was shot?! How many months I hated myself for being so irresponsible?! I still come back from B's doctor's appointments feeling so ashamed of what I could have done to him, knowing what we could have found out while we were there, and all I can do to keep from toppling over in tears is hold him for an hour or longer. I am not some horrible woman who puts a trivial case before the life of her child and- if that's who you think I am then maybe you don't know me well enough at all."

"Are you serious?" he asked for the second time. "I know you better than anyone and all you'll show me is half of who you are! Yes, I thought that you might go back into looking at the case. Excuse me for forming an assumption based of past habits! I guess I'm the terrible person!"

"Castle-."

"No! Kate, you can't just pretend like you're doing this for some noble cause when you and I both know you're doing this because you don't know who you are if you don't! No, I don't think you'd put B in any kind of immediate danger, but I don't think you're thinking this all the way through! You're blinded to the consequences of your actions, Kate, and I don't think I can stick around and watch you throw your life away without a single thought as to who you are dragging down with you!"

"You can't stay?" I questioned as though is heard him incorrectly, but he confirmed this with a nod. "You are leaving?" This time he tried to speak, but I cut him off at the end of my first name. "Castle, if your commitment to me and to keeping our son safe is that flimsy, then please, by all means, leave. There is no reason you have to stay here. Brayden and I can manage at a hotel for the night. Lanie's brother has a bassinet he gave her to give to us and there are clothes in his diaper bag. If you don't want to stay, Castle, no one is forcing you to stay."

He puzzled and searched me for any sign that I was serious. I was. I don't know what had gotten into me, but I'd put it through my head that if he wasn't willing to stay then perhaps marriage wasn't the best option for us. Maybe we needed some time away from each other. Maybe we needed space.

However, the part of me that assumed he'd leave our son so easily was foolish. "Don't be ridiculous, Kate. I'm not asking you to move out for god sakes. I just- I don't want to see you or Brayden get hurt."

"We won't," I insisted.

He stated calmly, "You can't know that."

"Castle, I'm looking into this off the record on paper sources only. For right now, I can all but guarantee we're safe."

"Yes," he pointed, "For now."

"If I start getting out of hand, real me in," I simply suggested.

He scoffed. "Yeah, because it's that easy to real in Katherine Beckett, the cop prisoners fear and serial killers challenge and lose to."

"Castle, if I get out of hand, just leave and take B home. If I'm really off the reservation, I don't want him to be involved." He weighed the suggestion and then agreed. I didn't know what to say or how to react. All I could do was smile a look of hesitant dismay his way before he drew me in and gently laid a soft kiss along the top of my head.

He told me again, "I can't lose you, Kate."

I answered with a fatigued promise. "You won't." Looking back, I wish I could tell myself how much of a fool I was. Now I know, this wasn't the end.

-------------------------------

A.N: Despite my typical obsessive need for these fights to match up verbatim with the words they say in the show as much as possible, I wrote this without doing that simply because I missed that episode on TNT this past time it was on... Soooo, yeah... next chapter shouldn't take longer than a few days to upload. Hope you enjoyed!!! :)