Frozen Love (A Castle Fanfiction)

His Return

It took a total of two months for Ryan to get back to functioning in any kind of normal world. For the first two weeks, he was in a medically sustained coma with constant surgeries meant to repair his mutilated flesh. After he woke, his body was still frail. He wasn't allowed physical contact with anyone and it was asked that he try not to move. Three weeks passed after the incident before he was able to sit up and move around. Jenny hadn't had the chance to hold him for three weeks. After that, he spent another week in the hospital for rehabilitation, and then was allowed to attend bi-daily therapy session and was released.

The day he was allowed home, Rick and I stopped by after work. We had Alexis come by the pick up Brayden from the daycare and babysit while we did everything for him that he did for us when situations were reversed. He tried to claim, "You guys really didn't have to," but what else was family for?

After that night, our visits came in turns. Someone went by to be sure there was nothing either if them needed done every other night. Javi took half the visits himself and Rick and I switched off who would go during our nights. Lanie went a few times, but seeing as she wasn't quite as close with the other two, she took only a hand full of visits. Any heavy lifting was done by Castle and Javi for the first few weeks. Then the word heavy began to apply to fewer and fewer things. By the time his sixth and seventh week came about, we all eased up and let Ryan be honest about what he could and couldn't do.

The day he came back, Rick and I showed up at the precinct early. The case demanded our immediate attention, but our son had been up all night screaming. We were dead at the desk, and Brayden was snuggled into his father's arms, quiet for once in twelve hours. Then, Ryan walked through the door.

As was custom, everyone began to clap, and there was no exception to this display. Even Rick and I stood. I clapped, but Castle just used one hand to snap as though this was a poetry slam. At the sudden noise, however, the baby began to fuss and then wail. Castle took toward the nursery, welcoming Ryan on his way out.

Though it was an atypical response from me, when Ryan walked toward his desk, I headed in the same direction and pulled him into my arms. As I released him, Gates came out of her office, offering a, "Welcome back, Detective Ryan."

"Thank you, sir," Kevin replied, "It's good to be back."

Gates then laughed. "Well, good. Maybe this time you three will wait a while before making yourselves a team of two again."

Javi then laughed to himself, "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"Not sure why you're laughing. By natural order, you're next," said Ryan. Espo fell silent.

"It won't happen again, sir," I personally promised.

She smiled. "Good. Well why don't the two of you catch Detective Ryan up while I go get his badge."

"Yes, sir," we both said not quite in unison.

Ryan commented, "You and Castle are much better at that." No offense was taken.

Once we caught Ryan up and I delegated some ease-in work to him (with his approval), Castle finally made it back upstairs, praising God that our son had finally cried himself to sleep. Something must have gotten into the kid. He never cried this much. Never. But that problem slipped away for a while so that we could work the case. Finally, when the day came to a close, Castle asked if I would pick Brayden up while he talked with the boys. I didn't deny him his guy time, so I happily did as he asked.

When we got in the car, Castle voluntarily told me, "I told my bartender to let the boys drink as much as they wanted on the house, possible dates included. Figured we might be too tired to want to go out, but they should get to have some fun for the night. Ryan was calling Jenny just before I left."

"Good, Ryan needs a night out."

"Yeah..." Castle said, clearly holding something back.

I looked at him for a moment as he sat silently staring at his lap. I wasn't sure, but because was I pretty suspicious, I asked, "Castle, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," he lied. I continued to watch him, letting my eyes speak for me. "I just- I keep think about that night. I keep- thinking how close you came to being there. I keep- wondering if everything would have been the same if you would've been there. I mean, that could have been you. That- you- could have been killed."

"No," I plainly stated.

"No?"

"No, I- I wouldn't have called for backup. I- I wouldn't have waited. You know me, Rick. You know how I get on that case. There wouldn't have been time for Maddox to create a plan because I wouldn't have allowed for it. Ryan followed regulation, and because of it, he almost died. And I know it- it should have been me."

"Kate," he whispered, "this isn't your fault."

I smiled to myself, heart finally falling to pieces from it's shattered but otherwise uninterrupted form. "But isn't it? I mean, I pushed the case. I certainly didn't make them work it, but there is no part of me that's stupid enough to believe the boys wouldn't follow my lead everywhere I went if I was on a dangerous path. I- I may not have sent him in to that building or- set the fire, but- he only went in because of me. Everything they've done with that case was for me, and- I don't understand how they don't resent me for it."

Castle then turned more thoroughly my way. "They can't resent you, Kate. They're family. And if they were here, especially if Ryan was here, he'd tell you that he did this willingly. There was no rule saying he had to follow the case. He did it for you, not because you were his superior or because he felt an obligation. He did it because he loves you, Kate. As much as the boys are family to me, I can honestly say that the three of you have this tight, sibling-like bond. It's like- like you're their big sister who protects them from everything and they protect you. He didn't go into that building by force, Kate. Like I said, you didn't ask him to go in. He went in because he wanted to, and it's as plain and simple as that. It's not your fault."

"Then why can't I shake this feeling that it is?" I questioned to refute his valid argument.

"Because you take the responsibility on yourself for everything, Kate. I've seen it. You did it after your mom's death, you did it when your father started drinking, you did it after your shooting, and you definitely are doing it now. I think the only thing you haven't taken responsibility for as far as tragic instances go is the car crash. And trust me when I say, that wasn't your fault either. None of it was."

I sighed deeply, steadying myself, and starting, "Castle-."

"No. Kate, listen to me for just a moment, okay? You are not the cause of every problem in the world. You had nothing to do with your mother'a murder. You weren't a contributing factor in your father's drinking. It's not on you to make your father better, Kate, now or back then. You aren't at fault for the shooting or anything that has or will happen because of it. You didn't pull the trigger. You didn't give the order. You didn't knowingly put Brayden at risk then, just like you didn't put Ryan's life at risk now. None of this, not a single fraction of this had anything to do with you, alright? You're not to blame, Kate. I hope you know that you're not to blame."

Tears were officially dripping from my eye lids, even though I'd done my best to hold them in. I didn't understand how he knew me so well, but- somehow he hit that note perfectly. Those words were- exactly what I needed to hear. Somehow, he found the exact phrase to use to just- dig into my soul, bare my heart in his hands and speak directly to it as no one had before. With watery cheeks and blurred vision, I stared into his eyes, his kind, honest, sincere, adoring eyes just to see him. Then, swallowing hard on the lump in my throat, I moved from the drivers seat and gently floated into his arms, taking hold of him and never wanting to let go.

For a short while, we remained holding each other until the tears cleared away and I was left only with the remaining stains on my cheek. Once we parted, though I had to drive, my hand never left his as it rested on the armrest between us. When we got home, seemingly out of no where, he lightly reminded me, "I love you."

I returned gently, "I love you too," and left a small peck of a kiss on his forehead before heading to bed with our son in my arms.