Forever, Never Lasts

Chapter 10 Needing You

 I got out of the hospital the next day, which I was so grateful about. The whole way home I was looking at my feet, the thought of a male other than Jason looking or being around me gave me chill's. I kept thinking of how far I've come with Jason and how much I could trust him but after everything that has happend I knew then I wasn't what he needed. I was really broken now, that could be the reason for him or any male in my life to leave me and actually have an excuse. I know Jason's heart, when we go somewhere public and someone is in need of help he help's them, I don't want to be that person that he has to help. Mom has already schedueled a week (her vacation week) off from work to be with me at home and the school let me finish out the semester in the comforts of my own home. Everyone was sacrificing for me the guilt was killing me. I tried to be normal to be unbroken but nothing was working I couldn't act like something that wasn't me. I knew what I had to do, so that everyone could be happy.

      Jason rode with me and mom along with Riley in my mom's little toyota but somehow we all made it work. I just couldn't wait to be at home I needed to relax. Occasionally I would see Jason stare at me, I wonder what he was thinking. I hate the awkward tension it was suffocating, like everyone was to afraid to speak. Finally we reached my house, never before would I had ever thought that I would miss a house this much, I felt as if I was at ease and that I could be comfortable. Jason came around to open my door but I had already opened it for myself, everyone was already doing to much. When he realized that I was already out of the car he came to a complete halt, with a questioning look. I just shook my head and reached for his hand. Walking into my house I just breathed in the familiar scent of peace, as strange as that may have sounded it was true I was at peace. 

      Me and Jason made our way up to my room, while mom and Riley made dinner. It wasn't the first time he's been in here before but nothing got out of hand. At the sight of my bed, I ran and jumped on it feeling the fabric under my fingers smelling the sweet scent of lavender on my sheets. As much as I hated to think about talking to Jason about what had happend I knew the talk was coming one way or another, so I might as well get it over with. "Look's like someone's glad to be home"  he smiled making his way beside me. "Yea, I never thought I'd miss this place so much" I stated with a laugh trying to ease the tension. I couldn't help but think that this was our goodbye, that he was really going to leave me now since I have nothing to offer. The thought of never being good enough for my dad for Aiden, no matter how hard I tried to please everyone I lost myself and now I was losing Jason because once again my fate that I was born with of never being good enough haunted me. "Tell me what your thinking, I know this is a very difficult topic but I need to know what's going on in that pretty little mind of your's" he said in start of the conversation, I couldn't imagine what he was going through I tried to put myself in his shoe's but the reality of it was I was never going to know how he was truly feeling. Just thinking of how to put this so he could try to understand my logic, "Watching people sacrificing they're life's to make sure I'm ok, even with you, you're doing to much for a girl like me" I sighed, he didn't say anything for a while he just kept looking at me with an intense gaze. "Don't push me away Ray, I thought I lost you last night and if I hadn't of walked in it could've been worse.." I flinched at the mention of him saying that I never thought of what would've of happened if Jason wouldn't have busted in, though he was to late thing's could be much worse. "I don't want to lose you Ray" he finished while looking down. It was hard to hold in the tears after he said that, but somehow I managed. I looked up at my ceiling trying to picture my life before all this happend and how happy I was after Jason came into my life. I rolled on my side, staring at his perfect face while he was on his back staring up at the ceiling with his arm's behind his head. I knew that this would hurt me to do this, but I couldn't have him I knew that from the start. "Jason, you don't need a girl like me, I knew that from the beginning yet I still tried to be that perfect girl that you deserved but after this I do now how to convince you now...I'm broken Jason I'll never be the same girl anymore and I'm not going to be selfish and put you through something like that" the tear's were streaming down my face by this point, so much for fighting them off. "No...No Ray I won't let you do this to us Ray I love you baby please don't do this" he cried out trying to pull me into him but I wasn't giving in he deserved better he deserved a happy ending but with me I knew I wasn't that. It was killing me to see that much hurt on his face, I wanted to just hold him and tell him that it was ok but I knew I couldn't. "Jason, you don't love me, you'll find a girl someday who will make your life happy and your heart full, but I'm not that girl" I whispered the last part silent tears streaming down my face. "Please Ray just get some rest and think about things please for me, I need you" he begged. I stayed quiet maybe I just needed to rest, I couldn't do this to him right now I'm not in a good state of mind at the moment. I just shook my head "yes" in response, his face looked relived almost immediatly, he leaned over and attacked my lip's causing me to flinch I was still very uncomfortable with even him touching me in that way in such sudden movement. Once he noticed my body tense he pulled away but pulled me into him and just held me, I felt safe from the world.

Jason left shortly after dinner he suggested to take Riley home since they didn't know how I would handle it if Daniel came. I thought alot that night of how I was going to handle everything ,but even though I was giving time to think about this, I knew I was right he deserves better then I could ever give him and he will see it one day. I didn't sleep much that night I kept tossing and turning, I kept having replay's in my head of the night I was attacked. It got so bad that my screams woke my mom up and she just stayed with me through the night. When I would wake up screaming she would rub my head and say soothing things like "it's ok babygirl mama's here. or it's over honey shh mamas got you" it reminded me of when I'd have nightmares as a little girl I knew that no matter what my mama would always be there when I needed her, even when she couldn't kiss the boo boo away.