Ordered

Chapter 37: In Which Rey Cannot Answer

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Ren's muscles tensed. Rey had never kissed him quite like this before. Long, and slow, and sweet. Deliberate. Savoring.

Pulled this close to his body, there was no way she'd not understand. She was quickly turning him on. The blood in his veins sizzled with the same crackling energy as his old lightsaber, now destroyed. Most likely in pieces at the bottom of the sea with the rest of the First Order. He would have to start over. He would have to press the reset button on his entire life. He was suddenly without a home. Without a cause. No idea or plan as to where he would go.

But, there would be time for that. Later.

Instantly, his mind traveled back to the magnificent night before, a storm of pure destiny. The unity and ecstasy between himself and Rey. In his daydreams, things were so simple. He could sweep her into his arms. After all, she was still his newly wedded bride. Then, he could carry her back to her bedroom, lay her down gently, and easily make love to her the rest of the day. She would finally throw away her hesitation. Stop denying her feelings. Allow him to love her.

If only things were so simple. His body suddenly resented his mind. How many endless days on this damned island had he longed for her attention? Craved her kiss? And, yet, he knew there was unfinished business between them. Her interest hot and cold, and now scorching him.

Was this her silent answer? Or merely her gratitude?

A word from her would settle everything.

Guiltily, he allowed himself to enjoy her embrace a few moments longer, considering this could be the last time. He wouldn't be toyed with. Not even by her. Either his vision would come to pass serendipitously, or he would be forced to let her go. He wouldn't beg. Never again would he grovel to anyone. For any reason.

He pulled away from her lips breathless and surprised to see cool, loving desire in her eyes.

Oh, how he'd dreamed of such a look from her. After each interrogation. Each rising challenge. After trying his best to be kind, and go gently into her wondrous mind, giving up his own thoughts and secrets in the process, always failing to intrigue her. She was never impressed by anything he offered. Instead of being insulted, he'd been entranced. Fascinated. Desperate for a new day, another chance, to pique her interest, to see if her bias would ebb. He'd tried in vain to hide such thoughts from Snoke, returning to his empty chamber each day dreaming of futile possibilities between himself and the scavenger who loathed him for preposterous reasons.

It was unthinkable that she would look at him this way now. When he couldn't be what she wanted him to be. She was deluding herself. He was no Resistance hero. He had never wanted a medal like his uncle's. Instead, he had become a Knight of Ren. He had chosen a side. A side that accepted his darkness and strived for order in the galaxy. Order that now wanted him dead.

Rey continued to look at him with adoration. "It's a relief to know that they're safe," she said graciously. "Thank you, Ben. It was very," she paused, searching herself and the depths of his eyes for the right word. "Courageous of you to do so."

Courage? Courage had nothing to do with it.

He had come very close to revealing his true feelings the night before. Would the truth change her opinion of him? Or would she exile him again?

Everything had changed. Everything had reset. Surely she would be kind and know he was genuine about spending his life with her.

"I love you." He might have thought the words, they were in the air so quickly.

For only a second he regretted his confession. Rey blinked and her brow furrowed. Otherwise, she didn't stir or pull from their embrace. However, the words were not the reply she'd expected.