Ordered

Chapter 33: In Which Rey Regrets

Rated: T

Time passed slowly.

The rain continued, but the fierceness of the lightning ceased. The generator blinked on and off. Flickering for a few moments, the light shined, before struggling and returning the lovers to the waning hours of darkness.

With her body pulled next to his, Ren cooled. However, instead of feeling tired, restlessness raked his mind. He smoothed his fingers over her skin, listening to the sounds of the rain. It was madness, but he already wanted her again. He half wondered if he should broach the subject of their marriage and future children. He'd read women desired to discuss such things, to have a plan in mind. It seemed that now would especially be a good time, as Rey was relaxed and potentially open to listening. In her tranquil state, he might dare to tell her the truth about his feelings. Sentiment, compassion, no longer defined it. His emotions had transcended new territory. He couldn't live without her.

He loved her. He would always love her. She had to know.

He resolved to tell her. The time was right. Depending upon her reaction, he would decide the best way to please her again. They could sleep tomorrow. They could take another day off from training. He would show her all he could do.

He tightened his arms against her. His breath stayed low and heavy as he broke the silence between them, "You're warm now." The thought amused him for a moment as he remembered her chills. He pecked her ear and gathered the courage to admit, "You thrill me." He swallowed, struggling not to lose his nerve. "It's madness, but I want to please you again. Let me show you how much..." the words faltered on his lips. He had never told anyone before. Frustrated with himself, he changed tactics, "I wanted to ask you..." There seemed no easy way.

"You're not tired?" She didn't move.

"For you? No." His emotions billowed inside, "I've waited...and wanted...and it's so perfect...this feeling. And we're here...all alone."

The lights flickered and found the power to stay burning. The excess of light momentarily stunned the lovers. Ren covered his good eye, distracted, pausing his train of thought.

Rey watched him, but her mind staggered over the end of his labored sentence, highlighting their deserted state. No longer mystified by need, the present came into focus. She was sprawled against a magnificent hunk of male flesh. There was no doubt about his perfection. The reason she could never get his touch out of her head.

Yet, with her mind on the present, her worry drifted back to the insufferable days of Luke's absence. Remembering her missing creator, whom she was helpless to reach, she pulled herself up. The thought of Luke returning home, this moment, crossed her mind. What would her creator, his uncle, say if he found his two apprentices tangled together? Her, bare and satisfied, in his nephew's arms? Both of them throwing respect for the Jedi Code to the wind in the face of desire?

She imagined Luke's righteous anger. She could see his solid look of disappointment. The hurt. Fear prickled through her heart. Would he be disappointed enough to refuse to train them? To ever see them again? Was she just like her mother, guilty of ignoring Luke's wisdom?

Her mind envisioned Luke casting them out. She'd have nowhere to go. Jakku held nothing for her now. Alone and dying, Luke would try to take on the galaxy with his painful, blood-dripping cough. Against the clones and the Supreme Leader, he'd die without help. It'd be all her fault.

No, she couldn't let that happen.

What had she done?

A moment's pleasure and now, she already knew, Ben Solo was more in love with her than ever. He was sitting up beside her, ready to make love to her again. Poised and ready to go until dawn, he belonged to her now: body, mind, spirit, and soul. Some would have marveled at the power. A secret part of her wanted to adore his devotion and explore the possibility, the truth, that she did care about him. But, right now, she couldn't. Not without Luke's permission. Such emotions would unbalance her and distract away from their destiny.

She took Ben's hands in her own, stopping his profound attempt to re-excite her. She had to make him understand. Since they had no way of knowing Luke's opinion on the matter, they couldn't go on. Until Luke's return, this couldn't happen again. She had to follow his teachings, respect the ways of the Jedi.

Rey's throat caught. Ben was looking at her so tenderly. What took place, moments ago, it wasn't a mistake. She could never call it that...but she couldn't be with him again. Not, yet. Not ever, if it endangered the mission. The galaxy. Everything they had worked to save. The needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few.

She halted his kiss, and he sensed something was wrong.

"Have I done something? Have I hurt you?"

Rey's heart plummeted at the concern in his voice.

"No, nothing like that," she put his mind at ease. "I'm tired."

"Then let me hold you."

She would have to be firm.

"Remember our arrangement? You promised to sleep across the room."

"Sleep across the room...?" Confusion filled his voice, followed by logic. "We voided that promise when you agreed to be intimate with me. I told you, I won't leave you."

"Ben, it isn't proper. Luke could return at any moment..."

"Luke," he hissed.

Before she could think, Ben was moving away from her. He gritted his teeth.

"You're my wife. You just gave me your body. And now, you want me to sleep on the floor?

"We have an arrangement. This changes nothing."

"I feel your guilt. This is about him and his noble values isn't it?"

Disgusted, he lifted off the bed, his temper scowled across his once serene face, anger growing hotter by the moment.

Rey had to make him see.

"I promised to follow his teachings before I ever became entangled with you."

"Yes, before our wedding night! Your actions voided that, too. But let me guess, you were intoxicated, seduced." He clenched his fist over his heart. "It doesn't matter now. I know you want to be entangled with me! You don't even know what his teachings are! I am your Master now. Follow me. Care for me. Forget Skywalker's nonsense, and follow your feelings for once, Rey!"

She couldn't think what to say. Tonight, her focus had been elsewhere. Her guard had been down. She had wanted and needed him. Still wanted and needed him. But it wasn't that simple. She was human and had feelings, but their situation was unique. She knew he knew it was different. She couldn't follow the teachings of two masters, one with the wisdom of the past and knowledge of the universe, and the other, a man who loved her but walked a blurred line of conduct.

"It isn't that simple," she reminded him.

"Fine." His tone was low, controlled, but still angry. "Fine, then." He bowed his head and shoulders at her, his athletic body posed with distracting, masculine grace. "I enjoyed our evening together, my dear." The last words felt like poison. He turned away from her, towards the door. He meant to leave.

"Where are you going?"

He stopped, and half turned. His eyes were burning into her. She wished she could take it back. She wished he wouldn't hurt so. There wasn't anything she could do. She would have to deny her feelings. Rushing to him and trying to cover every wound he possessed would only end in more suffering.

His tone turned hurried and sorrowful.

"After all we've shared, it's clear I've been banished from your heart and your bed." He paused, and the words sank in. He stayed very still.

Rey waited, feeling he was debating something. Fighting over being calm or being cruel.

"Don't leave," she pleaded.

"I can feel it...I'll destroy the entire house if I don't. We'll train. Fight, again, at noon tomorrow. Rain or shine. Sleep well."

"That's absurd! You think I can sleep when you're angry at me?"

"Cheer up," his voice dripped with fury, "Perhaps Skywalker will return tonight. Then I can destroy him, so nothing will stand in our way."