Ordered

Chapter 41: In Which Rey Admits Her Feelings

(Rated: T)

(Warning for brief description of Ben's dysfunctional childhood with Han and Leia.)

"Ben!" Rey yelled down the stone stairs trying to catch him. She felt his anguish; he was going to an extreme. He planned to take Luke's X-wing and flee Ahch-To. His heart was so overwhelmed he thought escaping physically would block out his pain.

She needed to tell him the truth she had stored away in her heart. The confession was long overdue. She wouldn't allow herself to believe it was too late. He would listen. He always had.

She called out again, and he abruptly halted. His shoulders tensed. Turning to face her, his gaze flashed an endless pool of agony, before he exhaled and built an icy wall around himself, desperate to mask his anger and self-contempt until he was alone in the deep reaches of space.

"Ben, please come back," Rey caught her breath.

"Trust me, it's better that I don't." He maintained a blank expression. However, his intense gaze followed her movement down the stairs, which seemed to take him back to the memory of her accident. With gentle urgency, he reminded her, "You shouldn't rush down the stairs."

"I need to speak to you alone! " She insisted.

Trying to mask his curiosity with indifference, he straightened. After a brief pause, he added cooly, "If you wish."

She peered back at the house. She wasn't exactly ready to have the conversation in the open air. Not within possible earshot of Luke and Leia. Her next thought was the Temple; her favorite hiding place. With the evening rapidly approaching, and it was unlikely that Luke or Leia would visit the Temple, having just arrived after a long journey. She suspected that Ben had no reservations about entering the hallowed place now, not after he had forced himself inside to find her lightsaber.

"Come to the Temple with me," she decided.

Ben frowned but nodded in silent agreement, and followed a respectful stride behind her the rest of the way.

Once inside, Rey felt her anxiety soar. It had been years since she told anyone she loved them, and then, she had only spoken the phrase in reply to her mother and Raeh. She was no good at sharing her innermost secrets. For so long, she'd rarely had anyone to listen.

She hadn't thought of how she would tell Ben, so much as, she had decided to tell him. Needing a moment to calm her nerves, she began lighting all the candles, even though the ones in the center of the room were sufficient for a simple conversation.

She stole tiny glances at him as she brought each candle to life. He stood tall and strong in the center of the room, waiting patiently on her to speak. His posture commanding, not unlike his mother. But his eyes, she could tell, even in the low light, held the same sensitive concentration like his father. Kylo Ren had tried to mask the similarities between himself and Han Solo. But Rey knew he had been unable to mask his heart; a heart that had compassion for her from the very beginning.

She told herself she had no regrets. If not for the faith Luke had in her, concerning Ben, she would make all the same choices, again.

After she lit the candles in front of the statue of the first Jedi master, she watched faint shadows dance across Ben's face and chest. He was frequently shirtless. Rey knew, after caring for his wounds, she should have been accustom to the sight. Nevertheless, his handsome masculine features unraveled a desire to embrace him. She wished, almost, that Ben would hold her the way he had the day he'd realized the truth about Snoke. It would be so easy to tell him listening to the steady rhythm of his heart.